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Can’t live without my Mum

21 Sep 2019 08:02 in response to MW101010

Hi there.

I just wanted to say I feel exactly the same as you do after losing my wonderful mum in June. Honestly, reading your posts are as though Ive written them myself.

I no longer seek enjoyment from anything I do and just don't see the point in anything anymore. I have two young children and even doing things with them seems pointless without being able to share it with mum. I don't bother taking photos anymore because I have no one to send them to. I can't go anywhere where I went with mum, people said it would give me comfort but it doesn't. Nothing does. I too started counselling but I'm getting nothing from it. I just want to run away most days, it takes everything I have some nights not to get in my car and drive away. I can't explain how mentally draining it is. I just want to be with my mum.

 

Can’t live without my Mum

21 Sep 2019 11:12 in response to MW101010

Hi thanks for your reply,

it may sound silly but just knowing I’m not alone and there are other people feeling the same helps, even if just a little bit. 

I think I will also make some complaints. I know it won’t bring my mum back but maybe it will prevent another family having to go through this pain and suffering, although I know it probably won’t amount to anything as the NHS is so good at covering it’s tracks. Did you get anywhere with your complaints?

i do have other family. And they are amazing, but the thing is my granda actually had a stroke when my mum died, they found a blood clot in his brain and he had to go and stay in the same ward in the hospital my mum died in. He was so overwhelmed with stress and exhaustion and I don’t really want to chance him getting ill again as thankfully he’s recovering at home now. 

My aunties are amazing and always there to help and I also have a partner & 2 year old daughter but I feel so lost without my mum when it has always been us against the world. 

I think I will take your advice and join some sort of therapy or group as I’m always feeling so alone. I hope you start feeling a little better soon   

Thank you so much xx

Can’t live without my Mum

21 Sep 2019 11:24 in response to Ems1818

Hi Em,

thank you for your reply & your honesty. I agree that it doesn’t matter what age you lose your mum it will always be hard and you will always be unprepared. I find myself jealous of people who are older than me and still have their mum’and I feel horrible even thinking that. I’m angry at the world for only giving me 27 years with such an amazing woman. I need more time with her. It just wasn’t enough. 

I feel everything you are writing so I know your being honest. I do feel guilty a lot of the time if I smile or laugh. Will that feeling ever go away? I know my mum never would want me to be upset but it’s expected at this point. Everyone is always telling me to be strong but how? My mum was the one who made me strong without her I don’t know who I am. 

I just feel so lost and I’m not sure where to turn 

 

xx

Can’t live without my Mum

21 Sep 2019 11:28 in response to C1971

Hi,

this post just made me need to reply. The feeling the original poster had I now share. 

Im so sorry to hear about your mum and I’m shocked we found each other when it was similar circumstances. 

How are you feeling now? 

We didn’t get a post morterm as the dr had come in and told us the bleed was so bad and inoperable that they could only give her end of life palliative care, within 30 mins she was gone. Did you have one for your mum? Did it help any? 

Xx

 

 

Can’t live without my Mum

21 Sep 2019 11:45 in response to Gemm

Gemm,

 

My mum had a medical procedure on the 13th june to clear a blocked artery in her neck to reduce the risk of getting a future stroke. It was done under local anaesthetic but 15 minutes later in the recovery room mum told the doctors she felt funny down her left side and she then became unconscious.

They rushed her in for a bran scan and found a massive bleed on her brain. We were also told that it was inoperable and that she would die quickly. The tests to check brain activity weren't done until 6pm on the 14th june and that it when we decided to turn her life support off. 

Although we knew that a brain hemorrhage had killed her, the coroner insisted on a post mortem to ensure that there had been no medical negligence during her op.

Thankfully the PM ruled out any link between the op and the brain bleed. The op had actually gone really well and we are still none the wiser why mum had suffered a bleed on that day. I guess the blockage in the vein had weakened a vessel in her brain over time.

We were told that if she hadnt had the bleed in the hospital it would have happened at home, round the shops, on the bus etc and been very traumatic.

It doesn't help with the loss but I am grateful that neither my daughter or I had to suffer finding her dead or dying at home.

Can I please be cheeky and comment on something you are being told by your family/friends?

You DO NOT have to be strong at this awful time for you or for anybody. Being 'strong' will just suppress your pain and lead to a potential breakdown in the future. I havent been strong at all. I have cried for 3 months solid in front of he gardener, the postman and in Tesco's!

My sister urged me to be strong for my 12 year old and 'try just to cry at night when she is in bed'.

What rubbish! Letting out emotions is the way to deal with grief which is natures response to trauma and loss.

I finally feel like I may be about to start turning the corner at 14 weeks and I truly believe its because I've allowed myself to cry, scream, grieve and be a wreck

Can’t live without my Mum

21 Sep 2019 11:55 in response to Gemm

Gemm,

 

By the way, I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack when I was 27 and he was 53. 

Being 48 now and having lost my mum too I can honestly say that it doesnt get better by being older, although I am lucky enough to have had my mum for another 20 years and it's very painful that I missed out so much of my dad.

In an ideal world we would lose our parents when we were in our 60s and they were at least 90.

 

Cheryl x

Can’t live without my Mum

21 Sep 2019 21:51 in response to C1971

I’m so sorry to hear that. What an awful thing to have to go through. 

I don’t think there was any negligence involved with my mum when she had the stroke although I do think events leading up to it could have been handled better and while she was in their care. She either had a stroke in bed and fell out and hit her head or she fell out of bed hit her head which caused the stroke although I believe the stroke came first due to the medical certificate we got when she died as it mentioned hypertension rather than brain trauma. They did not even suggest a PM as I assume they didn’t think they needed to do one. She was not on life support unlike your mum and was kind of an inigma as she was conscious and talking even remebered everything about her life for eg passwords, names, birthdays etc. She went into hospital on the Saturday and I didnt get there’s until the Monday as I live in England and she lived in Ireland. The drs had said she would be in there probably until Christmas recovering but by the next day we were told she would die. It seemed they knew this all along but never told my family that she’s wouldn’t make it. I feel a lot of anger for this as I could have got home sooner if I knew the severity of it from the start rather than 3 hours after I arrived. She slipped into a coma while I was there holding her hand.

Please don’t not think you are cheeky I’m here for honest opinions and advice and that’s exatly what you are giving me and I apreciate it as you are going through the loss of your mum also. I have been trying not to hide my emotions anymore but sometimes I feel so numb and that’s what scares me the most. 

I agree no matter your age it must be horrible and heartbreaking to lose any parent. I hope you are finding things a little bit easier now. 

 

Xx

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Oct 2019 20:28 in response to Bobs

I too could have written your posts myself, I lost my beautiful mum in July and I don't think I will ever get over it. I am just existing until I see her again. I find no pleasure in any aspect of my life, I cannot go anywhere that I went with my mum as it hurts too much. I feel there were many mistakes made and my mum should not have died. My mum did not pass from cancer but a sudden and unexpected event, I have many regrets of things I should have done and I cannot forgive myself for not seeking help sooner. I pray every night that I will die in my sleep so I can be with her again. I used to speak to her everyday and we used to do loads of things together, I miss her so so much. 

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Oct 2019 21:23 in response to beaut

I read this and I cried for you. I know exactly how you feel. I’m not sure if you read all the comments on this but my mum died a month ago today, from a sudden and unexpected event that I, like you, believe mistakes were made it could have been avoided and she shouldn’t have died. I also have a lot of regrets, but one thing I do know is my mum wouldn’t want me to have any, and you say you were close with your mum so I’m pretty sure she would feel the same as mine. It’s a massive hole in my existence as it is yours and a lot of the one I feel like no one really understands at all, until I read your comment. You get it 100% it’s a pain that will never go away. I don’t know how to help you or how it gets better or if it ever does but I am here if you ever want to talk. At least we know we aren’t alone in feeling this way. 

 

Sending you lots lots of love and strength xx

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Oct 2019 22:17 in response to Gemm

Thank you for your kind words they are very much appreciated. I feel my friends and family are losing patience with me now and people have stopped asking if I'm ok, to be honest this doesn't bother me too much as I don't really care about anything anymore. I feel I am living a lie at the moment, outwardly  I am going about my daily life, although I have not yet returned to work, I am saying and acting what people want to hear whilst inside I am screaming. I stumbled upon this forum whilst I was googling whether you go to heaven if you commit suicide. I just feel as if I will never feel any pleasure again and what's the point of anything. I go to my mums house and it's just as if she's gone to the shops, everything is as she left it, my mum died very quickly, less than 24hrs from the first symptoms. She was shopping in the morning and then she was gone. 

 

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 07:34 in response to beaut

Hi beaut,

So sorry for the loss of your mum. It's so hard isn't it?

I dont think any if us will be the same again and I have cried every day for nearly 16 weeks. I'm a shadow of my former self and like you, obtain no pleasure from anything that I do.

However, I know that our mums were loved and that they knew they were. They would be devastated to know how we are all feeling and how this has impacted our lives. Your mum would be heartbroken to know you were googling suicide or hoping you wouldn't wake up in the morning. Dont get me wrong, I have never been so down in my life and have no idea how I'm going to get through the rest of my life. I no longer dream of reaching my 80s or 90s.im just taking each day as it comes and trying to get some sort of life back for my mum.

Cheryl x

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 08:05 in response to C1971

Thank you Cheryl, To truly find someone who knows how I feel is a relief. I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. I know that what you have said is true, my mum would be horrified if she knew my thoughts. My friends and family would be too, I'm a brilliant actor though so I doubt they ever will. Although I google these terrible things I would not put my children through this pain deliberately and that is what stops me, they cannot lose their mum too. I am starting to take steps to get better, I have started counselling and I am hopeful that this will help me. 

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 08:39 in response to beaut

It sounds like we are all feeling the same, it is comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling like this.

My mum would also be really mad at me if she knew what I was thinking at times. I hear her telling me off! She wouldn't want me to be the person I have become. But I don't want to be who I was, in fact I can't be that person without my mum. I too am plodding along for the sake of my children. Mum always put her grandchildren first, fiercely protective over them and I have to keep going to protect them like my mum did. I'm doing it for her.

Every day is foggy in my head, no clear thoughts. This week the pain of losing her has debilitated me, I haven't wanted to leave the house. I've been reading all my text messages from her crying buckets.

Sorry this is all over the place...

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 08:41 in response to beaut

That's good. I have my second counselling session tomorrow and I start back at work on Monday which is a big deal for me.

I get very sad that we are having to endure all this and I think to myself, 4 months ago everything was fine. Mum lived with us and we had a nice life. Mum would walk my daughter to the bus stop and come home and put her feet up. My partner and I were busy working and we all had dinner together. How could we not have known what was around the corner? Were where the signs that mum was so close to death? I thought we would watch mum slowly deteriorate over the next 10 to 15 years and die in her late 80s. To go bang at 74 has been the biggest shock for us all.

It seems that you experienced something similar.

Cheryl x

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 08:45 in response to Bobs

Bobs,

 

I've had a terrible week as well. Perhaps the arrival of the cold weather hasnt helped. Putting on the heating for the first time yesterday and feeling the radiators in mums living room and bedroom heat up really upset me.

Everything just seems pointless and like you I'm carrying on for my 12 year old.  My mums death has devastated her and she cannot lose me too.

Somehow we will all get through this.its nouce to have found a group who all feel the same.

 

Cheryl x