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Can’t live without my Mum

4 Nov 2018 11:59

I lost my Mum nearly 3 weeks ago and had her funeral yesterday where I brought her home to be buried with my Nan and Granddad. It’s not any easier in fact I think I’m getting worse. I feel like I have nothing to live for now. She was my best friend and I talked to her 3 times a day when I was away working and spent so much time with her when I wasn’t. I feel the same about things she will never get to enjoy anymore, I don’t want to enjoy them either. I felt mistakes were made and she could have been around longer. I don’t know if I want to carry on, I feel like there no’s point. People say but she would want you to do this and that but they have no idea of the pain I’m in. I have no partner or children just a career that I don’t care about anymore. I don’t know what to do.

Can’t live without my Mum

4 Nov 2018 12:44 in response to MW101010

Hello MW101010 and welcome.  So sorry you are feeling so rough.  I know from losing both my own parents (some time ago now) that the period between the death and the funeral sort of carried you along with things to do and visitors but - after the funeral - you suddenly find yourself trying to get along the best you can and it ain't easy.    Please be assured that what you are feeling is natural; although we know in theory that our parents are likely to die before we do nothing prepares you for when it happens.    If you read through some of the posts on this forum you will find quite a few people having similar thoughts and pain to those you describe.  You might like to respond to some of their posts and discuss what you are going through.   The funeral was only yesterday, don't expect too much from yourself and don't take too much notice of people giving you good advice; they mean well but I know it can be difficult to smile and be pleasant.    Just take things one day at a time; there is no set timescale for grieving or the manner of grieving; you have to do what feels right for you .  I still "talk" to my mum both in my mind and sometimes out loud and I have bits and pieces (my parents wedding photo and other things) which keep my parents memory alive in my home.    Please feel you can come here at any time just to say how you are feeling and thinking about.  Once a little time has passed you may think it a good idea to change your job (not knowing anything about your situation I accept I cannot really comment) to something that will stimulate you.  Best wishes.  Annie

Can’t live without my Mum

4 Nov 2018 13:17 in response to MW101010

Hiya I completely understand where you are coming from I lost my mum suddenly in August and feel absolutely cheated! She was my best friend I was always doing stuff with her and enjoyed it! I welcomed my first born daughter in June and she was there to witness the birth everything in my life was great she helped throughout my whole pregnancy. Then suddenly about mid July she started to get a cough and became really tired we all thought it was a chest infection well come early August she was admitted to hospital and a couple of days later died. I cannot believe it or understand this awful timing she was so excited to be a first time nan and then feel god just whipped her away from us both. I have to carry on for my baby and to be fair I want to for her because she needs her mum but everyday I wake up angry at the situation I am in this was not in the plan and feel I will be gutted about it for the rest of my life I really search for answers that one day we will be able to meet again. 

Can’t live without my Mum

13 Nov 2018 10:15 in response to MW101010

Oh annie liz it is so traumatic to lose your mum. I lost my mum 4 years ago and miss her just as much but manage to get on with life. Your grief is so new and raw just now and it is absolutely normal to feel how you do. Your mum would want you to be happy and eventually you will emerge a stronger person and she will always be with you in your heart and mind. Let yourself grieve and slowly very slowly the world will start turning again. Take care of yourself.

Can’t live without my Mum

14 Nov 2018 16:46 in response to MW101010

Hi MW I am genuinely sorry to read your post and believe although I cannot start to fully understand exactly your own feelings I hope you dont mind me telling you that I felt deeply that life wouldnt be worth living without my mum.  It is a little over 3 years since my mum died and there are still days when i feel it is all too much. But I remeber all she taught me and how precious life is and i manage to carry on. I even laugh at the fun times we shared. I never thought I would smile again. I wanted to shut myself away and indeed I did taking 9months off work and refusing to have people to my home or go out. My brother is ill now and Im finding it hard to cope but when I think of all he is having to go through, on top of his terminal diagnosis it makes me want to be strong for him, he amazes me daily. Inside Im terrified and want to bury my head in the sand but he is facing his mortality head on and I admire him. He inspires me. I havent posted much on here but I think sometimes just being able to express your emotions anonymously and without judgement helps in some small way. It is so very true you must literally take things hour by hour and then day by day. I too still talk to mum. Kind Regards. 

Can’t live without my Mum

15 Nov 2018 17:51 in response to MW101010

Hi. 

I feel exactly the same. 

Today is a month since my dads funeral. 

He was doing so well. Through treatment. And we didn’t expect him to go so soon. 

Like you I’m feeling like I can’t carry on without himm

he was my best friend. 

I have the rest of my family. My wife. Etc but I talked to my dad in ways I can’t talk to others. 

Hope you get through this. 

I am trying to get through each day. One step at a time. 

Can’t live without my Mum

7 Dec 2018 05:34 in response to demisam

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I’m still very much in grief and think daily about taking my own life just so I can be with her again. I miss her so much it literally takes my breath away and I wish every day that I would not wake up. I have so many regrets even though gh I spent more time with her than most people do with their Mums. I feel like I can’t do anything  that my Mum would enjoy because it makes me sad and feel guilty that she can’t anymore. I don’t know what I’m going to do or why I should even try. I’m so sorry for your loss and for what your brother is going through. Xo

Can’t live without my Mum

7 Dec 2018 11:25 in response to MW101010

Hello again MW101010.  It is still relatively early days and you have a lot of grieving to get through - just take it as feels right to you.  Do not even think about taking your own life (please) - what would your mum  have to say about that?  (No, seriously, what would she say?)  The telephone number for the Samaritans is Freefone 116123; when you are feeling at your lowest give them a ring and they will help you.  Also of course come back here at any time if you just want to discuss your feelings.  You might like to also consider visiting your GP who may feel you would benefit from anti-depressants.   I think most of us have regrets when we lose a parent; I know I do.  We  (or "I" to be specific) take them for granted and when we become mums ourselves we realise just how much they did and sacrificed for us.  But mums love unconditionally.  Please keep in touch.  Annie

Can’t live without my Mum

7 Dec 2018 20:42 in response to MW101010

Hi MW101010,

I am very sorry for your loss, I know how awful you feel having lost my mum in September. It just isn't fair and the grief you feel can be as though somebody has ripped your heart out; to be so close and then not having her there is traumatic, I do understand. My mums funeral didn't really bring any closure just bought home how final it all was. 

It is obvious from your post how much you loved your mum, it won't feel like it now and the truth is, you'll never get over it but I do believe that you do reach a stage of acceptance and you will slowly start to not feel guilty about enjoying something that perhaps you shared together before and the memories won't be filled with sadness.

I try and think what my mum would say to me, I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad, it would break her heart, her faith was so strong and she had no fear of death, she used to have this saying..."not to worry"

There is a lady on the forum who says, the person is not gone, they're safely in your heart....I know my mum isn't here for me to hold but she's in my heart and I'm trying to be strong, I know she's here in spirit. Shane63 is right, day at a time.

Please take care of yourself,

x

Can’t live without my Mum

8 Dec 2018 04:31 in response to Annieliz

Thanks Annie. I’m trying, I really am but I feel I have no one anymore. I have quite a big career as a celebrity makeup artist that made my Mum really proud but now I don’t care about it anymore. I walked out in the road today without looking hoping a car would kill me. I think my friends are already fed up with my misery. My doctor wouldn’t give me anti depressants as he said they take a while to kick in but it’s been nearly 2 months now and I feel worse. I keep re reading her texts and emails to me and she seems still alive and then it hits me again that she’s gone and I can’t bear it

Can’t live without my Mum

8 Dec 2018 04:32 in response to Linda63

Thank you for your kind words, Im really trying to hold on xo

Can’t live without my Mum

8 Dec 2018 04:41 in response to annastasia

I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel the same, hoping I’ll meet her again someday and that we will be together. I hope your Mum is watching over you and your baby. I wish I had a baby to love too. 

Can’t live without my Mum

8 Dec 2018 10:24 in response to MW101010

None of us here on the forum are fed up with your misery and your friends will feel the same, I know it is difficult for my friends sometimes to know what to say but they mean well. My doctor gave me anti depressants but I didnt take them, I used Kalms Lavender tablets and they seemed to help, maybe try those, all natural which I preferred.

I watch videos of my mum, sometimes I feel comforted, other times as you say, the reality kicks in.

Your posts are late in the day, I couldnt sleep at first, sorry not for me to dictate at all, but please try and get some rest, it will help.

We're behind keyboards, strangers, but thinking of you, in my thoughts and prayers. x

 

Can’t live without my Mum

8 Dec 2018 13:02 in response to MW101010

I am not very impressed by your GP; if he had given you something when you asked you might be coping a bit better now and not playing chicken with the cars on the road.  Good friends will talk and listen until the cows come home so don't worry about that.  You will know who your real friends are by now.  I know you don't actually know us here but we too will listen and chat too if it helps you at all.  Unfortunately  it is horrendous and there is no shame in getting help from any source.    After my mum's death I still talked to her as though she was here (and still do sometimes) - I like doing it and it doesn't do any harm to anyone so go along with anything that helps you. "Mam" I say "What do you think about so-and-so".  I know what her advice would be - "as long as you don't cause problems for anyone else and behave reasonably and lawfully, then go ahead."  Can you see another doctor - is it a surgery with several doctors?  I should ask again and explain what you have been thinking.     Your mum will always be alive in your head and heart no matter how many years go by.  Be a bit kind to yourself - you won't stop loving your mum and the love will still be there.  Keep in touch.  Annie

Can’t live without my Mum

9 Dec 2018 00:45 in response to Linda63

Thanks Linda, my posts are late because I’m now back in LA where I currently live but now hate it. My Mum used to visit me often. I will try the lavender calms thank you. Xo

Can’t live without my Mum

9 Dec 2018 00:51 in response to Annieliz

Thanks Anne, I asked him twice and he wouldn’t give me them and he’s the nicest one in the surgery. I’m now back in LA so may go to a therapist here and try and get some from them. I’m truly afraid of what I might do otherwise. I think about driving my car off a cliff, or taking loads of pills but scared in case it doesn’t work and makes things even worse. I think I have complicated grief that never goes away. I have friends and other family but I feel so alone. Also my uncle now has terminal stomach cancer so we have that to deal with and as selfish as it sounds it’s taking the focus off of my Mum who they were in denial about so didn’t rally round as much as they are for him. It’s like she was the test case and it makes me angry. Thank you for taking the time to listen xxx

Can’t live without my Mum

9 Dec 2018 10:13 in response to MW101010

Hello MW101010,

Anne has given you excellent advice and I agree now you are back in LA it may be a good idea to go and see a therapist as soon as you can as it sounds like you really need help. You've done the right thing also in joining the forum and you will meet others here who have also lost a loved one to cancer and I hope you will draw strength from one another during this difficult time.

As you will see reading our page on Coping with Grief, grief is a very complex process and everyone grieves differently so it is important you seek the support you need at the moment and chase those dark thoughts. I am so sorry to hear about your uncle having terminal stomach cancer too. I hope you have some good friends around and family and that you are not alone. Don't forget also that there are helplines available whenever you feel really down and they are only a phone call away. It can really help sometimes to talk to someone. Samaritans USA is a good example and you can find their  contact details here do give them a call when it all gets too much. There is also this website which also has a contact number you can ring if you are experiencing emotional distress.

We are all here for you so keep strong. I am sure you will make lots of forum friends here who will help you get through this difficult time.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Can’t live without my Mum

1 Feb 2019 19:58 in response to Moderator Lucie

It’s been 3 1/2 months now and I feel I’m getting worse. Have been trying to keep busy with work and seeing friends but I’m just going through the motions. I don’t want to do anything that my Mum loved or would have enjoyed as she can’t do it. Everything reminds me of her and I email her all the time telling her I just want to join her. I wish I could just die in my sleep. Nothing is worth living for. 

Can’t live without my Mum

1 Feb 2019 21:09 in response to MW101010

I came onto the forum today, it helps me on the 'god-awful' days when I still can't accept that my mum is gone, when I would do anything just to see her one more time, tell her how much I love her and that seeing dad, how much he misses her, breaks me.

I understand when you say you feel you're getting worse, it's the longest time we've been without our mum's, it's just not right or fair. I 'talk' to mum everyday and ask her to help me cope.

Seeing a counsellor to help me get to a stage of acceptance, had 2 sessions, not sure if it's helping but she listens when I speak about mum, I think other people think I should have 'moved on'.

My mum gave me a precious gift, life....it is the hardest time to live without her but she loved me unconditionally and I know she would understand my sadness but she wouldn't want me to carry it with me forever.

I'm sure you're mum would want you to find happiness again, enjoy life as you have done before....it is very hard and I am so sorry that you're going through this horrible journey. A day at a time is sometimes all we can do, but that's ok, we're all individual, as is our grief.

Lucie gave some good links, I hope you will able to find help and people on this forum will always understand and try and help. I liked this verse:-

The river of grief is deep and wide

But happiness awaits you on the other side

And the love of those around you, will take you there.

 

 

 

Can’t live without my Mum

1 Feb 2019 21:23 in response to MW101010

Hello

I came across your post and I feel for you. I am actually concerned to read how distraught you feel. As a mother myself, I would say think about what your mother wanted for you. She would not have wanted you to die or to be so stricken with grief. You need to live your life not just for yourself but for your mother for you are her legacy in this world. Please seek counselling support, also look for bereavement support groups in your area and consider changes to life and career that would help you cope with such a big loss.

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 06:27 in response to Sahla

Thank you for replying. It helps to know people care. I have had counseling but it hasn’t helped. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 06:29 in response to Linda63

I’m really trying to be ok but I just feel like nothing matters anymore. We had a very strong bond, even had the same birthday. Everything I did was for her. I can’t believe she left me

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 08:22 in response to MW101010

I am so sad to read your message

My mother is in the last stages of her life and I came on this site to seek support 

When I read your message, it brought a massive reality to what is about to happen to me

My mother is at end of life and yesterday she took a sudden downfall in her ability, I spent the day with her and the reailty that she will soon be gone is immense and overwhelming

I lost my father eight years ago and remember feeling completely numb for a long time afterwards. I had my mother to look after and she also gave me support whilst dealing with her own grief. This time however, there will be noone to cuddle me and tell me that it will be alright. At that time I lost my father, someone gave me a sense of belief and it did turn out to be really helpful and I shall use it again during these times ahead and moving forward from a wonderful bond which has been 'spoiled through death'
You have lost your mother, who has been part of your life from the moment you took your first breath ! It is understandable that you don't feel you have any future; food does not appear to taste the same, you probably feel that nothing will ever make you laugh again, skies seem dark and the sun will never shine for you. One day you will eat a meal and afterwards think - I can taste the ingredients in that food, you will watch television or see somthing funny and laugh (and probably cry after you have realised that you have laughed !) and you will look up at the sky and think what a lovely day ?! you will be sitting looking out from a window and the sun will almost blind you and the warmth will return to your cheeks

You have a long journey ahead without your mother and mine is coming very soon, and I so wish that I could stop this inevitability, I am also frightened because I know that I shall also feel the same way you are feeling right now - especially after a funeral when good intensions from  people, who promise continued support but in fairness have their own lives and leave you alone with your own feelings 

I feel certain that your taste for life, for sustenance, for blue sunny skies and stepping foward in the memory of your mother, will slowly give you back a life, without your loved one but with cherished memories and the ability to continue; with great memories and the confidence that the life your mother gave you is very much worth living x 

This is the view from my window as I write this message to you - stay strong x

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 16:12 in response to getmb

I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum. I was in denial even when she was at that stage and it  was actually sudden, the doctors knew it was going to happen soon but even they didn’t expect it the day it happened. What’s worse is an hour before she kept repeating to me ‘let me go’ and didn’t say she loved me although I know she did and still does. I lost my Dad 8 years ago too but we weren’t close so it didn’t affect me like this has. It was always just me and my Mum and I feel lost and broken. I wish I could give you more support because I really feel for you for what you are about to go through. I’m crying so much right now as I write this. Spend as much time as you can with her. Xo

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 17:05 in response to MW101010

Hello.  I lost My Mum just over 8 weeks ago and i can relate to several of your circumstances and feelings. The loss of our Mothers is like nothing else; it is so exructiatingly painful.  As you say, people say that our Mothers' wouldn't want us to be unhappy; they would want us to get some pleasure and enjoyment out of life. I know this is true; my Mum would so want that. But, as you know, it is not that easy.

I, like you, do not have a partner or children but I have some friends and family who are very supportive. It is the time on my own which is especially difficult.

I am waiting to get some counselling and I am putting quite a lot of hope in this. I see it had not helped you. Do you feel there is any particular reason why?

 

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 17:34 in response to brewis1gard

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is the time we’re on our own that is the worst and even though I live in LA and my Mum lived in London we spent a lot of time together and spoke 3 times a day on the phone. I never felt alone like I do now. I do have good friends and some family but it’s not the same as having someone who loves you unconditionally and always has your back. Counseling didn’t help me as they just listened to me talking and didn’t offer any ways to cope with my feelings. I talk to friends anyway so it made me resentful paying them to just listen. I think I may go to a psychiatrist or a support group or both as I’m truly fearful that in a really down time I may take my own life. 

I hope counseling helps you, I really do. People on here help more though in my opinion.

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 17:59 in response to MW101010

Thank you for responding.  I thought I had felt alone and lonely in the past but this is on a completely higher level.  Me and My Mum were extremely close. There were only a handful of days when we didn't see each other - the last one over 6 years ago.  What you say about friends and other family members is so true - no one cares for you like your Mother. She is there for  you 100% of the time. 

here in the Uk there are some bereavement counselling services available fror free and they do have some good reviews. One is provided by our NHS and they are due to ring me next week.

Sorry your couselling wasn't helpful but maybe a psychiatrist and support groups will be - worth a try.  But please don't harm yourself.

Be good to keep in touch and see how we are getting on.

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 21:47 in response to brewis1gard

I’m from the UK and will be back soon. The hospital gave me some counseling after but that wasn’t helpful either she was more concerned that I wasn’t going to kill myself whilst I was seeing her and just kept saying ‘that must have been hard’ to everything I said. I’m truly sorry for your loss and would like to keep in touch. My name is Melissa, what’s yours? 

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 21:55 in response to MW101010

Thank you Melissa.  I am sincerely sorry for your loss also.  Pleased you would like to  keep  in touch.  My name is Lewis. Speak soon.

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Feb 2019 01:53 in response to brewis1gard

Thanks Lewis. Definitely keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing.