Hi,

Can I just say how proud your mum would be of you right now! A happy and successful marriage and two children that you love and no doubt support as much as your mum supported you.

I get it, you feel totally let down by your father and that if he had been anything like your mum, you life would be happier but let me tell you this, you’ve taken what love and support you had from your mum and repeated that towards your own family.

This is a gift in itself because some people who’ve suffered at the hands of others tend to mirror that behaviour in later life. You haven’t, you’ve not become a victim of your past and have gone on to find love and happiness in making a family of your own. Cherish that fact along side the love you have for your mum, we only get one life and to live it under a blanket of sadness is a shame. You can’t change what’s happened but you can change how you feel towards it. Your mum sadly might not be here but she’s still in your corner.

Thank you so much for your kind reply.

My family are everything to me . I want my children to be able to grow up happy and to be able make their own choices and know that I was there for them 100%.

I just think that my mums death all those years ago has affected me more than i actually know (if that makes any sense). It dawned on me recently that, as stupid as it might sound, I never cried over her death. I loved her so much but I dont think I've ever properly grieved over her.

My father has since gone on to meet a new partner. And I find that really difficult to deal with, mainly because he treats this woman so differently to how he was with my mum. He takes her out for meals, takes her on holidays and shopping trips etc etc. While my mum always used to find herself stuck indoors and would dare spend a penny on herself.

My wife and I struggle for every penny and and are in massive debt through trying to support our family. All the while my Dad lives in luxury with his new partner and my younger brother works his dream job as a farmer, on the farm my dad has handed him.

I've tried counselling a few times, but I never know how to express myself (perhaps that comes across with these posts) so I always came away from those sessions without feeling any results.

I apologise if this forum isnt the right place to vent but I'm out of ideas.

It’s wonderful that you’ve been able to see further than your own past to create a loving environment for your own children. It shows that despite your struggles in school and social life, you’ve anchored your beliefs from those of your mum.

Grief doesn’t come in a ‘one fits all’ size and can’t be marked the same as another’s. What has probably happened with you is that you’ve tried to get on with life thinking you’ve done your bereaving but it’s only when faced with certain situations such as your brother being handed the farm and your father moving on with someone else whom he treats better than he ever treated your mum, that grief has come back to the surface. 16 years ago you probably did grieve in your own way but that’s not to say you can’t go through it again.

Unless you actually stand up to your dad and point out the error of his ways, he isn’t going to address it. Even still, would you really want to go through all the hassle of doing so when you could turn the other cheek and get on with your life, and would in all honesty, your dad actually come to his senses and agree with you?. I don’t begin for a second to imagine what your are going through but I get the idea that you’re a wonderful husband and brilliant dad and that counts for a lot. Plough your efforts towards those who deserve your time and love and not towards those who don’t. 

You shouldn’t apologise for coming on here to vent, it’s what the forum is for. It might be more beneficial for you to come on here than it would for counselling (as you’ve said you’ve obtained no results from that route) as you’re not having to speak to someone directly so any inability to  express yourself may be lifted as it not as awkward as you may find with speaking to someone on a one to one basis.