Hi Denise. I'm so sorry you have joined the awful club of having to go through this horrific painful experience. I can relate to a lot of what you said, my mom was 79 and I'm 41.

I'm sorry the doctor used the T word. My mothers oncologist didn't tell her that. He simply said that because the cancer had spread, that they could no longer cure it. But they gave her a bit of hope that with some treatment she might have more time. But we didn't ask and weren't told how long she had. Of course we thought we had more time. It turned out to be only 3 months. 

I was crushed after that diagnosis. But I stayed strong for my mom. She was amazing. She said "well, at least this is happening at my age, and not in my 40's. That would have been devastating". I cried every day for a month. But after a long awaited vacation I felt better. We never talked about her diagnosis again. She believed it could be treated with radiation. I wasn't in touch with the doctors so I really didn't know. So we just continued on like everything was normal. 

I think it was important for my mom to feel normal. It stressed her out thinking and talking about her health issues. So we talked about politics, and what was going on in my life. 

You are really lucky to have such a wonderful mother, who is still alive. We never know how long anyone has. Sometimes when we know time is limited we tend to be kinder to each other, and to appreciate each others company a bit more. 

I can relate to what you said about your husband. My boyfriend of 17 years is much the same. Likes to fix things. Telling him my problems usually results in him getting mad at me because I don't like his mr. fixit solutions. When my mother was diagnosed, I cried alone. 

However, when my mom died 3 weeks ago there was absolutely no way I could hold back the tears. And she had a health crisis a few weeks earlier that left us with uncertainty, and on a roller coaster from hell. One day she seemed like she'd pull through, the next day not. So I cried a lot during that time, and I couldn't control it. But you know what? You can't fix tears. When he saw how much pain I was in, there was nothing at all that he could do other than be there beside me.

Maybe you could try to let your husband in too? If he sees your pain, he'll want to help you. Not by trying to fix it, but by being a loving supportive person. You really need his support. It's so hard to go through this alone. 

Keep up the writing. I wish I had kept more journals while my mom was still alive, so I could look back at our conversations. At what we laughed about. Her little stories about the crazy people in the hospital!

I hope you find some support on this forum. It's helped me a lot.

All the best

Hi Denise,

I am right there with you.  This past month has been like a truck slammed right into me.  My mother was just diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer.  Previous to this, she was do healthy with no issues.  Shes only 65 and I'm 39.  I just don't know how to de with this all.  I'm trying to be strong. But it's so hard.  Many times I just feel like running away so I don't have to deal with it.  I am in so much pain and sadness, and I don't want to let it show so many times I just hold it to myself.  

There are no words that I can write which will make your situation any easier to deal with. Your lovely Mum is blessed with you and all the support you have given her. Just know you are not alone. I’m sending you a huge hug and lots of love. 

I really feel for you I’m in such a similar situation. I’m 31 my mum is 58. I have 2 boys aged 6 & 2 who adore my mum & they adore her. We are so involved in each other’s daily lives that I struggle to even think past tomorrow. X

This is exactly how I feel now. My mum is my life. I am 35 and she is 72 and I have a 3 year old who loves her to bits. Every decision I make I run by her. Told today there's nothing more they can do. Devastated and heart broken 

My Mum has just been diagnosed with cancer stage 3, no treatment offer. Only months to live. I feel your pain So very sad. Don't know what to do.

Hi my Mum is also 65 and has been given 3-6months. She has metastatic breast cancer in her lungs and brain. She is v upbeat and brave. On a lot of steroids so is keeping really busy.  She was v fit before playing tennis etc. I'm devastated as I'm having my first baby in 5 months and don't know how I'll cope without her there. I have a great family. Very worried about my Dad as he is 71 and doesn't talk about his feelings so scared he might get depression without mum. My mum also has soo many friends that everytime I go around she has someone else coming! And then I feel left out like I am not getting any time with her. But I know it's great for her to carry on as much as possible. 

Jenny

Hi

I can’t face the reality of losing my mum, she is 70 and is my rock and my whole world. I can’t bring myself to speak to her about it and keep closing my thoughts so i don’t have to face reality. It hurts so much, but I can’t allow myself to give into it, as I’m scared I won’t stop crying and crumble. I need to stay strong for my family. We don’t know how long she has left. She’s got cancer in her throat and lung, they can’t offer treatments as she’s severe COPD and any intervention will kill her. So we are all on tender hooks and this bloody rollercoaster to hell. I have no one to talk to as only small family. I feel like burying my head and running away as I don’t and can’t face reality. 

I broke down again reading these replies as i relate to them all. Im 41, mum is 67, dad 75.

They used the T word with my mum. Ever since I can remember shes been my best friend. And shes terrified of dying, her brain still works, her heart is strong but her lungs are giving out. She doesnt have cancer, she has COPD stage 4 - this is just the only place on the internet i could find where people are going through the same thing as me, sorry if thats not allowed. 

They wont say how long - I guess they cant. Theyve speculated that she may make it to Christmas.

I keep throwing up and crying uncontrollably. Shes not ready to die.

All my life ive been the one people come to, friends, family. I help them cope. But now the shoe is on my foot, no amount of logic or being sensible is helping. Im not angry, I dont want to lash out. Im just broken. I feel like a truck has been driven into my stomach. And I feel awful as its not about me, its about my mum, and my poor dad who is in a touch of denial and terrified of how he'll cope.

I put a brave face on to mum obviously and hold her hand as much as I can. I know ive been a good son, we tell each other how much we love each other and how proud we are of each other all the time. When she does pass I wont have regrets. But I cant get over this sick feeling, this trauma. I have two 3 week trips coming up to the USA and im terrified to take them in case she goes when im away; even though its hard to think why she would as today she seems fine, albeit on oxygen 24/7.

Sorry if ive made anyone feel bad. I read through the responses above and through my tears I kept saying "yes thats me too". So youre not alone in this horrendous limbo.

We'll all cope because we have to I suppose. x

Reading all of the above, I am sorry to read about all these devastating cases. Even if your parent doesnt have cancer and its another disease you are still going through the same emotions, thoughts etc as all of us so don't be sorry.

My mum has been diagnosed with stage 4 womb cancer, she is 66 :( . Mum has always been good with her body and knowing when things aren't right and telling the doctors so I always thought if something like the Evil C came around it would be caught early on. Clearly not the case and the Evil C is aggressive. She was diagnosed June this year, and we were told this won't be cureable. All the doctors could do is help treat the symptoms and try and prolong her life with radiotherapy and some chemotherapy. Unfortunately due to her platelets constantly dropping she has only had one and half cycle of chemotherapy and with further scans doctors have said the cancer is still spreading and the chemo/ radiotherapy doesnt look to have helped so they are stopping all treatment. 

To be honest, I am angry at the system, her symptoms started in March and she told the doctors on the day it started but we didnt get a diagnosis until June. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions and my mum is my priority but I cant help but think this could have been caught earlier/ prevented and I would have longer with her. There are other previous things that have happened which i wont go into on here but feel there were multiple opportunites to have this picked up.

I am 32, not married and it breaks my heart that whenever that does happen, whenever I do start a family my mum won't be there to experience this with me. I can't say this to people i know, because i will just break down into uncontrollable tears i don't actually know if I will be able to stop them. 

I am worried for my dad, I have seen him cry for the first time in my life and can see him trying to hold it together. My mum is the glue and I need her here. I don't know how to deal with this, I am crying one minute, putting on a front the next but completeing breaking inside. I am angry then I am in denial. This is just messed up. 

Sorry I know that may have sounded like a venting essay, but I just don't know what to do with all of this in my head. I am trying to keep it together, she doesn't have very long and I am trying to be strong for her but the thought of birthday's, christmas's, new years or any life milestone she won't be here to see it. I am just broken.