I'm sorry to anyone who reads this because I'm so desperately sad that I don't know what to do other than rant and let it out. I'm shaking even as I type. I'm just beginning to feel that I'm going insane with grief. My poor, poor mum is so ill and, we've been told, in her last few weeks. As well as being in her bones and lungs, The cancer has spread through the membrane between her skull and brain ( which apparently is unusual) and has affected her face, her ears and now her sight. She has always been such a bright, intelligent, warm wonderful woman and now she can barely hear and her sight is fading. It's all happening so fast and I'm railing at the world today. I'm usually a really positive person and I've been trying to cope just day to day and stay really positive for mum but I feel like I've hit a brick wall. My energy is gone. I'm so angry with everyone and everything and I hate, hate HATE feeling this way. I'm not particularly religious or anything but I have my own spiritual beliefs and I just can't reconcile anything I believe with what is happening to my mum. It's so unfair and cruel. She's being so incredibly brave and stoic but for the first time today she began to cry. She didn't make a fuss, I just looked and the tears were rolling down her cheeks. It tore me apart. All I could do was hold her and cuddle her and tell her that it was ok to cry and that I loved her. I don't know how much more we can all stand. I've never known pain like this. I don't want her to feel like this. I know it's often said but she truly has never done anything to hurt anybody and doesn't deserve this. All I do when I'm alone in the car is cry. My children don't know the extent of things so I have to hold it together for them and although my lovely husband is supportive, he runs his own business and is so busy and stressed I don't like to burden him too much. My dad is in denial, I think, and is not the most caring of people which does not make things any easier. How do I cope?? I don't want to go to pieces because mum needs me. I'm sorry, I'm rambling and ranting but it's preferable to screaming out loud which is what I feel like doing. If anyone reads this, I promise I'm not as crazy as I must sound.
I am so sorry you have had to come on to this site but it is a tremendous place to come and chat when you have to experience the heart ache that you are feeling right now. I can relate to everything you are feeling at present, as I lost my lovely husband to this bl....dy awful disease we were married for 45 years he was the love of my life.
You have every right to be angry you have so many responsibilities at present, your hubby has his own business to run that is a stress in itself these days, and dad in denial dosent help your situation.
The feeling of helplessness and seeing your lovely mum suffer is horrendous I felt just
like you did when my lovely David was so ill and suffering I wanted to scream and scream It was absolute hell so I know how you are feeling.
I'm sorry I can't give you any answers my love at this sad time but what I will say is don't beat yourself up, make sure you eat something look after your lovely children and most of all never stop,telling your mum how much you love her
Thinking of you
Take care and I send you a great big hug
First of all I am so sorry that your Mum and all of you are having to through this. There is nothing fair about it, it is just awful. Just so you know, you are not in the least bit crazy, its the worst pain in the world to have to watch someone have to go through all that your Mum is going through - for me it was my Dad, and Oesophageal Cancer, but I can relate to how you are feeling. It is a particularly cruel thing that your Mum is losing her hearing and sight - this ****** disease knows no boundaries. Anyway, there are some lovely people on this site who understand what you are going through - I found this site shortly after I lost my Dad and found a lot of help and support here - I also found it very helpful to write my feelings down as otherwise they just kept circling round and round in my head. I also think that if you feel like screaming out loud, this can help too - I did a bit of this in the car (on my own!) when Dad was in his last few weeks - it got it out of my system. And let your husband support you a bit more if you can - he'll cope - you sound like you could use a few extra hugs just now, Katielouie x
The pain you are feeling shows so much in what you have written. I think it is one of the worst things I have ever had to deal with when my mother was in a similar condition. It is so painful to watch someone you love dearly suffering like your mother is. The trouble is it makes us feel so inadequate as there is nothing we as individuals can do to stop this evil disease taking the ones we love from us. You are not rambling nor are you crazy Allie, you are just a loving and caring daughter trying to cope with the most painful thing. Don't ever be afraid to cry Allie, for it is natures safety valve and allows us to release some on the pent fears and emotion that build up inside of us at times like this. Similarly, writing your feelings down on this site is also a big stress reliever and people on here now and understand just what you are going through, for many of us have been through something similar. But you cant and shouldn't deal with this all on your own. You do need to talk openly and honestly to your husband so he knows how your feeling. Please don't exclude him for marriage is about sharing both the good and bad things in our lives. I would not like it if my wife didnt share her feelings with me.
Do take care, sending best wishes and kind thoughts you way, Brian
You poor thing. Life is so unfair to some people including yourself. I lost my own father to COPD nearly 9 years ago very suddenly. There were no warning signs the last few days. He was waiting to be admitted to a ward and then his heart gave out. He never suffered from heart problems all his life and was only 61 when he died. I lost my father-in-law to bowel cancer two years ago after it spread to his lungs and stomach and I miss the both of them terribly.
Don't try to cope with all this on your own Allie. Confide in your husband more and let him know how you feel. Your father may not be able to show his emotions and this is his way of dealing with it all.
Men cope differently to women.
You are not crazy Allie you are a loving supportive caring daughter whose mum means the world to her.
Take care and sending this with hugs
I am so so sorry you and your Mum are going through this, your pain is evident from your post. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain, but I know that is impossible; however I do understand some of your pain having lost my Mum and Dad within 5 months to cancer last year. To watch somebody we love deteriorate and die is the most undescribable pain and I think it is only if you have been through this that you can truly appreciate the depth of that pain. You sound like you are doing everything you can for your Mum and I think it is so lovely that you are able to tell her that you love her. This is something that was left kind of unsaid between my parents and me; although we were very close they were never very vocal and so I always felt I couldn't be either. Of course I know they knew how much I loved them but it is so much better that you are able to tell your Mum.
I understand that you don't wish to burden your husband but honestly if there was ever a time to share your feelings with him it is now. I am sure he wouldn't want you to be bottling everything up and you will need his continued support as the bereavement and grief process is a bumpy ride. Likewise I understand that you feel that you need to hold it together in front of your children, however I think this depends a lot on their age. When my parents died my sons were 19 and 16 and they were a tower of strength for me; I have cried so much in front of them and I think it is important for children of all ages to realise that it is OK to cry. Try and be kind to yourself, take every bit of support you can and cry whenever you need to, it helps somehow. This site was a great support to me during my darkest days, I found that it really helped to write things down and found that people on here truly understood more than most. So we're all here for you; I'm wishing you strength and please post me whenever you need to. Hope23 x
Firstly, I apologise to all of you who took the trouble to read and reply to my post. You are all such lovely caring people and it truly warms my heart that you should take the time to reach out to someone when you are all going through your own difficulties and heartaches. I have had every intention of thanking you all but my days are so full of caring for mum whilst also trying to work when I can and look after my family that the time is just disappearing.
I feel like a burden again because I am still so very low and just need to vent once more. I just can't seem to find my way through this pain. I feel absolutely broken. My children now know that nanny is not going to get better so I do not have such a pressure to hide every emotion but I still can't let them see the depth of my despair. I think it would scare them. I feel in a constant fog. My poor mum has almost totally lost her hearing and her vision is incredibly poor. It's so, so cruel. She has always been so strong, caring, capable and supportive of everyone around her and now she is virtually helpless. I sit on her bed rubbing her hand and talking to her and she looks at me like a helpless child because she cannot hear me. She is still mentally aware so the fact that she cannot hear is very, very upsetting for her and she begins to cry. That's not my mum. I just kiss and cuddle her and tell her it's ok. I don't know what else to do. My dad is hopeless. He just shouts and is frustrated that she can't hear. He is handling it badly.
One minute I wonder how much longer can I bear to see her suffering this, but then the alternative is too awful to think about. At least she is still with me now and I can hold her and tell her I love her. I'm so confused. We have a lovely Macmillan nurse who always asks how I'm doing but when she comes my dad is usually there and I can't open up the way I want to in front of him. Though I guess there's not a lot she could say really to help me.
I'm sorry that I'm waffling on. I know there's nothing to be done but I can't bear it. My mum is my best friend and the best mum and the best nanny. I can't believe this is happening to her. :,(
Everybody on here understands the limited time you have when you are dealing with the situation you are in so no need to apologise for a joint reply. Vent all you need to, whatever helps you through this terrible time. It is so cruel to have to watch somebody we love go through this and my heart really does go out to you. I used to almost wish it were over just to end the suffering, as it seemed like everyday was just prolonging the inevitable. People used to tell me to make the most of the time you have left but how can you when you are watching somebody deteriorate and know they are not the person they were. Having said that I wish that I had just one day back to spend with my parents even though it was so hard - however I know that is just selfish because I wouldn't wish them to be here suffering just because I miss them so much. Allie there is no easy way through this, just go with your heart and do whatever you feel you should. We are all here when you need to let it out. Hope x
Thank you Hope, ( is that your real name by the way? It's lovely,)
I'm so sorry you had to go through this twice in such a short time. I honestly cannot begin to imagine how you coped with such a blow. It sometimes beggars belief how things happen doesn't it? Why is life so unfair? I feel a little calmer today, I think because I actually had a few more hours sleep last night. I'd not slept for days and had cried so much that I think my body was just completely exhausted. I have talked more to my husband recently. The trouble is that he then gets incredibly upset because he is having to work such long days that he doesn't get to see mum. He's always been very close to her too. We are childhood sweethearts and have been together for 28 years and my mum has always loved him to bits and is more demonstrative with him than his own mum. I guess nothing about this situation is going to be easy though is it. My children are 10 and 5 so that's why I don't like to get too upset in front of them, I think it would worry them. I really appreciate you answering me. I hope that I will be able to find the strength that you show. Thanks again Hope,
I was glad to read that you feel a little calmer, you will probably find your emotions will be different daily, even hourly sometimes - it is a turmoil to go through watching loved one's suffer. I'm glad you have spoken to your husband more, I'm sure it is also difficult for him as you say he is very close to your Mum, but hopefully you can lean on each other. Families are complicated and many people have issues within them, I think you can only do what you feel is right and in my experience it is important to follow your heart
I don't know how we cope with the things that life throws at us but somehow we do, mostly because we have no choice. Although I did feel it was unfair that I had to go through it twice so quickly, I am now trying to look at it differently and think that I was so lucky to have my wonderful parents for so long and that my Mum wasn't without my Dad for very long. Grief is a strange thing, something we have to go through but hopefully something we eventually come to terms with so that we can continue our lives. I'm not really that strong Allie, I just try to cope the best I can so that I can continue my life - I'm sure you will do the same too. By the way Hope is my user name; when I joined this site it was my darkest day, I felt that I needed hope and hence the name, now I like it! Thinking of you and let me know how you are. Hope xx
I am honestly so sorry to read what you are going through. It is heartbreaking to read and I am sending you virtual hugs and support to you and family. Words will not ease your pain but I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am and if you need to chat, i am here.
I know so well the pain you are going through and you are not crazy. I just discovered this site and I think that can help you so much to feel you are no alone and you can write down your feelings. I wish I had that as you do feel very lonely in this journey. No wonder your energy is gone, it is exhausting mentally and physically. Do try to get some rest if you can.
I lost myself my mum of liver cancer last october. Like you, she was my best friend, and a strong, caring woman and this b***dy disease completly weakened her (she was 40kg) and by the end of it, i just knew it was my mum but couldnt recognise her and it killed me. She was conscious of it all but couldnt talk much by the end as it spread to her brain, but I saw the pain to put us (her children) through this in her eyes and it was just cruel. I was also the only woman dealing with it and my dad and brothers were of course there but men have a different way of coping. It is awful about your mum's s hearing and sight.
The only thing I can say is that your mum knows you are with her and it would mean the world to her (even if hard for her to put you through this). The love you have for each other will never die and what you are doing is a beautiful thing which will comfort you just to know you could be there to show your love. Nothing much you can do unfortunately,just hold your mum as every minutes spent with her, even if sad, are also precious.
I would tell you to rely and confide to your husband... I didnt do it on a daily basis with my boyfriend as I was at mums (different city) and couldnt open up on phone...I became slightly ressentful after that I couldnt confide to him and felt lonely. It is a very difficuly and painful journey, and you do need moral support or maybe just cuddles or even scream if that helps!
Anyway I am thinking of you. Take care xx
Hello Allie and Knox. Sorry you Knox are going through this at present. It is 35 years since my Mum died of liver cancer; she was 70 which was no real age at all. I can still see here clearly in the hospital bed but as Allie says the pain is no longer anything like so bad. I find as I get older that I can still recall the intensity of the bad times and also the good times but they are not so bound up in my immediate existence. I am thankful for my loving parents and the upbringing they gave me. Over the years I have lost more loved ones and their existence has contributed to the person I am today. Don't know what it all means vis-a-vis our lives but I do know that they have all contributed to the good bits of me (I will take my own responsibility for the not-so-good bits). This is a very hard time for you and it doesn't pass quickly but gradually you will be able to pick up some of the life you were living before - but of course minus the person of your loving mum. Her memory will live on with you forever though. Best wishes.