Hi Jrod, 

Just reaching out, I lost my mum on the 9th August to metastatic breast cancer. The deterioration in her was the hardest thing I've ever had to watch in my life. 

Please just be there as much as you can. Hold her hand. Talk to her. Get anything off your chest that you need to, because believe me, once she is gone, you don't want any regrets. 

I send so much love your way, stay strong xx

Hi 

i had to reply to you as I’m a mum and grandma 

who has incurable cancer I have had cancer 4 times in the past 6 years - bowel bladder and now in pelvis recurrence after a year of chemo/ radiotherapy 

as a mum I am reaching out  to say I am scared of the pain that might come in the future-I have a fair bit now-

but I’m not scared of dying I just want to know my kids and grandkids are ok -I know I’ll miss many happy times with them but I’m grateful that they’ve got loving partners

and good relationships with their kids ( my grandchildren)

 I sometimes wallow in self pity but I’m glad my children are where they are in their life and I see children with cancer and feel grateful to have had 60 + years of life

im sure you’re mum feels the same way and will just appreciate any time with you and the family 

i know I do

she will be proud of you and want you to hold her hand through this awful time -just keep loving her that’s what I would want 

I hope her pain doesn’t get too bad xx

Hi I’m going through the same at the min my Mam as bowel cancer we found out in jan but now she’s just got weeks she’s so thin and frail not eating and it is so horrible to see she can stand but can’t walk my dad just told me tonight she can only stand on one leg now she can’t move the other but I know exactly how u feel it’s so bad to watch take care xxx

Hi Jrod,

So sorry to hear you are going through this awful time. My dad recently passed away after a very short time after diagnosed and watchinghis deterioation was awful. The only strength I could find from it was knowing that I was there with him and helping him in the time when he needed me the most. Somehow you will find the strength to keep going through this. Although it may feel hard to feel grateful right now, one day you will be able to look back and appreciate the time you have had. It is unfair and it is cruel, there is no getting around that. Take each day slowly as it comes and feel what you need to feel.

It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate being so pregnant at this time as well. Make sure you are looking after yourself; even though that is so incredibly difficult to do in these times of hardship. Although it is difficult that your Dad is not as involved as he could be, we all deal with these things in different ways and maybe it is just too much for him at the moment. At least your mum has you and your sister though.

It is a very isolating time, as much as other people try to understand and be comforting there really is no way for them to understand unless they have been through it themselves. That's why this forum is so special, please do post more here if you feel you need the support. I don't know what advice you have been given but our local hospice was incredibly supportive and they often offer support and counselling for the family members during and after the process.

Best Wishes, C xxx

Jrod1,

I have read these chat pages at different times over the last 2.5  years as they have helped me to feel I am not alone as like you, although I have supportive husband, family and friends there been times of complete isolation and despair. This is the first time I have shared my story.

Late January 2017, my mom started to be poorly. She picked up abit although GP put her through tests. They diagnosed bowel cancer. We were all pretty positive as my mom had done the last couple of screenings so we felt this was early diagnosis. Then the scan results showed spread to liver. She has been through bowel surgery, about 30 chemo sessions, liver resection, 2 operations for Brain bleeds, and chemo injections into her liver as main chemo stopped working. We have had 2.5 years with hope which was finally killed when she got an infection from no where a couple of weeks ago and now she is too week for treatment and it’s pallative care only.

I am struggling to cope with the feelings of sadness of a loss that feels to great. My mom been my best friend as well as mom. The first person I talk to who always has my back. I have spoken to her daily. She has been so strong through this journey and has never felt sorry for herself. Something I will feel grateful for as it helped us cope as a family her get up and go.

2017 was made even tougher by me being diagnosed with cancer myself although stage 1 and was treatable through surgery. 2 years clear now. This was a confusing time as I played down due to protecting my family. This put our plans of a family on hold. Finally earlier this year I got pregnant through IVF and it bought happiness to our family. I am now due anytime and struggling that what should be one of the happiest times of my life is combined with the sadness of loosing my mom. To know she would have been a fun, loving and hands on grandparent makes me feel my mom’s loss even more and fear of how I will cope in the coming weeks with these two life changing events. I also live over 150 miles from my mom so I feel torn knowing I can’t travel at the moment due to the baby and fear logistics of being able to do this post the birth.

I feel better for writing this as I know that i need to come to terms with what’s happening and also remain strong for my mom, dad, brother and my future baby. Easy said than done.

This disease is terrible and it cares little for the destruction it creates.

Sending love, Claire x

Hi Claire,

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news it just absolutely heartbreaking to here what your going through, my mum has just been told 3 days ago she has terminal pancreatic cancer after only finishing chemo may this year and being told the cancer had gone.

Here's my mums story,

She started getting pain April 18 she was back and Forth the the gp they treated  her for various different things from constipation to suspected gallstones so a scan was booked to check before the appointment i get a phone call at 6am from her screaming in pain (dad had gone to work by then) i rushed round and an ambulance was called after a few days in hospital and a scan they discovered her bileduct had collapsed due to a tumour they fitted a stent on the Thursday after a week stay she came home Friday as she was going abroad on the Saturday consultant was happy she could but was waiting for results from biopsy off she went on her holiday she said it was much fun as she was in pain and had to take her codeine the whole time, she could back  2 weeks later on a Monday to my Nan her mum at the end of her life and she sadly passed away on the Tuesday,  i feel like she waited for my mum to get back as well as going with my dad she went with one of her sisters and i feel like she waited for them which i am so grateful, anyway it was a month later her consultant said she needed to have the whipple procedure as the tumour could be cancerous the biopsy results didnt come back with anything, she was booked in another month later end Sept and had it done it was 12 hours long she spent  3 days in intensive care then a week on a ward after. She come home had 6 weeks recovery then started chemo December as the results come back as cancer, she had 6 months of chemo she did really well just couple of times made her really bad, chemo finished in may she got to ring the bell for the all clear,  she saw her consultant few weeks later he said scans looked good but there was a red flag on her notes cause of something with her liver they suspected was either cysts or scar tissue as she had half removed,  she then spent the next 3 months back and forth to the doctors in pain with her stomach they again treated her for constipation sent her for xray for arthritis on her back then constipation again. Then a few days ago she  couldn't handle the pain anymore (she described it as labour pain) my dad rang 999 and she was rushed in, after a CT and MRI they've diagnosed her with secondary pancreatic cancer thats spread , im heartbroken and angry that's she being taken away from her family.

Shes also my very best friend im her only daughter rang her everyday asked her advice on anything from cooking to washing to illnesses! then theres my brother's and she has many young grandchildren who adore her. Shes never smoked or really drinked maybe a glass of wine a year!

I'm not sure what to say but just wanted to share my story with you.

Thats lovely your now expecting but must be very difficult in the circumstances.

Stay strong and message any time.

Xx

Hi Elizabeth,

Thank you for your message and sharing your story. It helps not feeling alone in this rough journey. I was so sorry to hear your mum’s and your story.  I send you love and strength.

I sometimes think I am in a dream and I wake up and all will be ok. I know I am lucky to have the Mom I have had so caring and loving and I know not everyone is so lucky but it feels like Cancer will take her 10-15 years early than old age. It’s hard to watch everyone else carry on with life as normal and especially now I have people asking how excited my mom is about the baby the 1st grandchild and the important of getting help in the early days of the baby. They don’t know my story and the pain as I nod and move on the topic. I only have a couple of friends who have lost parents and can truely understand. I would not want others to understand the true impact as I would not wish anyone to have to put themselves in the cancer bubble. My mom has told me not to worry about her and concentrate on the baby. My dad has told me the baby is my priority. I am struggling with this as pre pregnancy I would be now with my mom and dad helping out. Although the fear of this being the last time you talk or see each other feels draining as there have been many points over the last 2.5 years that I have thought this is it.  Its the reality that it is now really getting close. Its the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to make this better. My mom said she knows this feeling well as her mom died of Cancer the same age she is now. She is so brave.

If you want to message again please do as I think putting feeling down helps to release some pain.

Take care,

Claire x

Claire, I am so sorry to read your story which sounds so much like my own sadly. It's strange as we think there can be no way in the world that life can be so cruel as to have other people in this same horrific situation. I understand exactly what you are going through, some days I am so furious that me and my baby are being robbed of the support and experience that I know my mum would have provided as a grandmother had she been able. Everyone keeps saying your mum is still here now, and whilst that's true, I'm grieving what would have been. I can't help it. I'm getting the same advice as you, which is to look after myself and focus on the baby but they just don't understand that's impossible. I'm also feeling guilty for my baby for not feeling as excited as I know I would have been had my mum not been sick. Some days it's all I can do just to force myself to get out of bed. I've started seeing a grief counsellor, because im definitely already grieving, and also visiting our local Maggie's centre to talk to the cancer specialists there. I sometimes think it helps then the debilitating sadness comes back. Please feel free to message me anytime, whether it's pregnancy related or about your poor mom, I really do feel I may be one of the few people who can say to you that I understand what you're going through and really mean it. Please take care.