I feel a bit of a fraud as all of you have lost someone recently and mine started years ago, but it was the anniversary of my mums death on the 27th May & I am suddenly grieving as I don’t think I have before. 

I have  always tried to be strong & not show my feelings as my brother died at 21, I was 18 and I saw how much mum & dad were hurting so I locked it away. Fast forward to being 30 & I’m annoyed (wasn’t at the time as you don’t think) my mum was never ill, the doctor (not there normal GP he was away unfortunately) kept saying she was fine, after the fourth visit my mum said “do you not think my stomach looks swollen” (she was a slim lady) doc said yes looks a bit fat try and loose a bit of weight! Mum and dad were due to go on holiday, mum didn’t really want to go but it was a lot of money if they just cancelled. The doctor reassured her & said “ go on holiday and when you get back in 3 weeks, if your not better we will do some tests.” She collapsed at the airport, was rushed straight to hospital, luckily through dad’s work they had private health care (not that the NHS is bad, it came with his job) they got her into theatre that night & I will never forget his words. She had ovarian cancer, but it was too far gone and spread to all her organs. He explained it as the cancer cells were sand in your hand and you gentle blew it, it would be everywhere and impossible to get it all. She could have chemo, which would prolong the inevitable. She had chemo every week for 2 years. She was a fighter, she never moaned, said it was unfair at all. She probably did to dad, but to me she was the same mum, who got tired. She taught my dad how to use the washing machine ( he was good at most things, but cooking proper meals & washing no. She showed him how to cook, when I got home I just cried. I knew she had bad days as dad would answer the phone, he never normally, he said Elaine, if your mum decides no more Chemo you have to except it, she’s tired and really had enough. I knew that was hard for him as she was his world, he may have been this strong businessman to all but to her and me he was a softie. Anyway,  she didn’t have to say no to chemo, she got taken in as temp high and doctor said I think you should get yourself ready. Dad rang and told me to come down (I didn’t live near) he said not to bring the kids as mum never wanted them to see her like this. My husband drove me down, I went in and she was very irritable, not my mum. She said to leave. I was so upset. I went back with dad home(no matter how old I was it’s home) & we got a call to come back she wanted dad. When we got there she was sleeping (or morphined up) dad had to leave the room he was too upset. I sat and the nurse said she will hear you if you talk. I held her hand and said how lucky I was to have her as my mum, you see I was adopted at 6 weeks, she always said I was speacial, but I said she was and I don’t know how I was going to cope without her. She squeezed my hand and the tears flowed. She died later that night. I don’t think I grieved as I promised I would look after dad for her and he wasn’t coping. He tried for the first year, he would come up once a week on my day off and we would talk. Our relationship changed, I always loved him and talked but not proper talked like I had with mum, now I was and it was nice. My husband worked weekends so the kids and I would go down and stay with my dad. My son would cook him full on proper meals, he was 11 and wanted to be a chef like his dad. My dad was so impressed. My daughter was his princess & could do no wrong, but when they were in bed his tears would flow. Saying he didn’t want to live, etc. I tried to be harsh hoping it would work saying I needed him and the kids need their Grandad. We had had two other deaths in the family that year my cousin who was my age and my auntie. This just made it harder for him. I could see he was getting ill & my dad would NEVER go to a doctors, my mum used to secretly ring and they would come to the house. He had had prostate cancer a few years earlier but had got the all clear. He refused to come and live with me, said he wasn’t going to be a burden. I said I don’t know what relationship he had with his parents but he WOULD not be a burden. But no he would not come. So he got worse I had to work all week then fri nights I would go down, he refused to see anyone of his friends, I said you should go to the golf club even for a drink if you can’t play but no. My friend is the only one he would see, she did some shopping and cleaning for him, then in the end I said this isn’t good enough I had told work I was taking time off to see to him I knew he was dying. He agreed in the end to see his GP but he would not go into hospital. I promised I wouldn’t let them. The gp came and said due to the swelling in his stomach it was some sort of carcinoma, he managed to do some tests, but he would not go to hospital to have more  tests, but he knew my dad. He agreed he would sort some nurses & a fabulous place that relied on donations who sent carers to wash him and this would give me half hour to nip out for shopping. My dad had signed a DNR he really didn’t want to live, I was selfish and said what about me, he said all your mum and I wanted was to see you happy, you have your own little family who love you and we’re so proud. The district nurse came and warned me that things would get hard. He could end up  saying nasty things, & get quite aggressive. He had heard us in the kitchen and started saying I was plotting to get him into hospital I told him this wasn’t true he became very paranoid. The doctor came and he said to me, I would get your husband down as your going to need him, I said when he said tonight. He was coming after work.  Dad was drifting in and out of sleeep then suddenly he sat up tried pulling drip out, said I was keeping him hear and he had work to go to. Shouting at me. He eventually calmed down.  My husband came and was shocked how bad dad had got in a few days. I had a bEd next to dad in the lounge. The next morning I woke about 6am I went to dad and held his hand and asked if he was ok and his grip got tighter he hadn’t done this all week. I started saying what am I going to do without you and mum and my brother. I said I feel like an orphan how’s that posssible in my 30’s I just said I loved him and I needed him. Then I swear a tear rolled down his cheek and his grip slackened. I was scared to check but I knew. I checked and there was no pulse. I ran up to my husband he came down and said he’s gone. I cried and then I couldn’t I said I need to ring the doctors I waited til 8am so our own GP would come. He asked if I wanted a post Mortem? I said he hated hospitals so I wouldn’t do that to him now. Doctor agreed and said from bloods etc and the pain he was in in that area it looked like liver. Without post mortem couldn’t be 100%. Can’t remember what he wrote on death certificate but I knew it said something carcinoma. My dad had beaten prostrate cancer. Why couldn’t he beat this and my husband said didnt matter what cancer he had he died of a broken heart. That was so true, he loved my mum so much and he knew I had a good husband and kids. But I get annoyed because he knew I was annoyed at my brother as he committed suicide at 21 & he’s missed out on being an uncle, my kids have missed out on having one. Now here they were at 14 & 16 with no grandparents, who they adored. Then I tell myself off and think my mum used to tell me on the phone if she had a bad day but didn’t go into detail she just wanted to hear about her “wee grandchildren” but my dad was there, he saw the pain and why she went through, loosing her hair etc. She was a proud women, she got her wig before her hair fell out so it looked like her own. She never let anyone see her without it not even my dad. So I do appreciate it that he didn’t want to suffer as mum had. I must be a horrible person because I want them here so much. I see my friends, my school friends as We moved into mum and dad’s I felt closer and I was ill and I knew I had friends who would help my husband. I see my friends with their mum and dad , they come for a BBQ or we go to theirs and I get so jealous. It should be my mum and dad there. One friend even has her grandma still here, fabulous I know, but my heart is breaking. Why has this disease taking two of the kindest, loving people. They adopted me as a baby and it takes special people to do that and love that child as their own & boy did they. 

So why 12 years on my mums anniversary am I in floods of tears and cannot get over it. I’ve stayed in my bedroom for the past 2 days. I can’t watch tv, read I just don’t want to do anything. My daughter I can see is worried, I’ve told her I’m having a relapse of my illness. I want to be with my family enjoy time with them but I can’t seem to. I just want to see my mum and dad, just for a day will do. I want them to see how well the kids are doing. I want a cuddle of my mum. I’m in a mess. Sorry probably wrong place to tell my life story, I just started and couldn’t stop.