Hi there ...

I can only say what is my opinion .. and as with cancer everyone is different ..

When we get that diagnosis, we change ... life is never the same again ... you seem to be yearning for what you both had ... and keep looking back instead of forward ... it's like a grief for what you had .. your wife has been through one of the biggest traumas anyone goes through ... yes she will change ...

So you no longer live abroad in the sun and that life that comes with it ... but on the other side , you still have your wife .. life can be what we make it ... you can hate the cancer and what it brought you .. or you can be thankful for all those wonderfull years you had healthy .. you can be thankful for all those memories you did get ... a lot of people never get to know what that's like ...

You can want her to be the same as before , or you can adore the lady that has come through this trauma ... I'm 20 months post masectomy. . I could have hated what it did .. but l look on the other side .. it made me aprieciate every day ... l look at things with childlike eyes and see the good in those around me, that supported everything l did ... gave unconditional love .. let me change, knew I couldn't do what l used too .. and they've held my hand weather it's a sad or happy day ...

For better or worse are those vows people take .. if you start looking what you've got instead of what you wish you still had, you may find in feeling o.k with that, you'll slowly get your lovely wife back ... maybe not the same .. but if you support her it maybe an even better though different relationship. . It's amazing by changing your attitude to life, how much better things look ... it's not about waiting for the storm to pass ... it's about learning to dance in the rain ...

Chrissie ...

Chrissie - that is a lovely post. I hope JW gets some comfort from your words and it helps him re evaluate his future x

Thanks Chriss, upwards and onwards, another day today and thank you for your thoughts, I shall constntly bear them in mind x

Hi JW,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story which I’m sure will sound familiar to many people on here.

The impact of cancer is almost always far wider than physical. There are psychological, financial and psycho-sexual impacts too and these affect a wide circle of people as well as the person who has the cancer.

My guess is that your wife feels guilty about the impact has had on your life.

Citalopram is usually prescribed for depression, your wife is right - citalopram won’t fix this. You are both down because of the *** situation not because of depression - though you may both have developed depression because of the life changes.

You might want to check out whether MacMillan or any local cancer support groups can offer any counselling or other support. It isn’t for everyone but some people get a lot out of it. 

I’m living with cancer and almost lost my wife to a brain haemmorhage not long after I was diagnosed - we were both 55 at the time. The impact was not dissimilar to the situation you are now in. Somehow you both need to grieve for the life you have lost and once you’ve reached acceptance start to build a new life together.

This will probably be the hardest thing you have ever had to do as a couple, especially as we all grieve at different rates. 

Meanwhile, listen to your wife, give her time and space to herself and remind yourself every morning that you are lucky she is still alive. It isn’t perfect, but it works for me.

Good luck

Dave

Chriss....what a beautiful reply....xxxxxx

Hi JW,

Dave & Chriss have written beautifully about the impact cancer has on lives and how to navigate the 'new normal' which is thrust upon you without any option. Depression medication isn't the way to deal with it but trying to talk, perhaps through counselling, does help. Don't live in the past, find a new 'normal' together now & the future will get brighter, believe me.

Angie (melanoma patient)

Hi, I went through the same thing with my fiancé aged 23 who had prostate cancer. He was recently declared cancer free just last month. 

Last year when I finished my last year of studying I had so many dreams of us after University to work abroad and travel and I had even got a job offer in Europe when I found out he had cancer and our whole life was put on hold.

At first he felt guilty of burdening me with a relationship with someone who was so sick but eventually after reassuring him that I was here to stay everything was fine.

when he got more sick, vomiting, body paints, chronic stomach aches, migraines, I used to get so worried and the more worried I’d get the more he’d push away. Say everything is fine. It’s nothing. Some days he would skip medication because medication made him feel sicker. He stopped sharing his problems with me even when he was in pain he’d pretend that he was not. He had lost so much weight from not eating.

Many people go through the same thing when in a relationship with someone who has cancer. Cancer is such a traumatic and life changing illness. You can’t expect things to be the same or ever get back to normal after being cured. 

Cancer patients tend to pull away and get withdrawn from the people they love. It’s a mix of depression, fear of death and not wanting to be a “burden” who has to rely on other people. A lot of cancer patients also don’t want to be pitied or treated differently so they push people away and try to pretend everything is okay.

You may sometimes feel like they are being selfish or don’t care about you anymore or you may feel like they don’t want to share their suffering with you but that’s because they can never share their suffering. We can never understand what they go through and they can’t even explain it to us.

The only thing you can do is be patient with her, encourage her to take her medication. Live in the moment. Don’t talk about dreams and future that she may feel she won’t  be able to share with you. That would make her more depressed. Live daily, talk about your day. Give her entertainment at home, like movie dates at home and romantic dinners at home. Don’t expect her to exert herself doing things you dreamed of doing now. She just needs to feel like her life is still going forward but in a realistic way. 

Her health is more important than your dreams to live abroad. Show her that you’re happy living your life anywhere as long as it’s with her. Focus on her treatment. Give her space. Give her time to focus on herself. Let her know every once in a while that you’re there’s if she wants to talk.

Continuing to nag about your life dreams and building a better future could be making her depressed because she feels like she is the reason that can’t happen and that there is a chance that it would never happen.

Live daily and live a wholesome life as much as you can with her right now without pushing some exciting life idea.

Have patience and all the best! 

Davek, only just seen your reply. Many thanks. 

I found out I had liver cancer which spread to the bones is stage 4 and poss terminal between 2-20years who knows 

i spend a lot of time in hospital 

my partner of almost 25 years cannot cope and asks me questions even though I speak to consultants cannot answer 

when he visits in hospital he set about 20 mins and talks about how bad his life is we do not live together as he looks after his Greek mum and has never told he he is gay so I am a secret but since I was diagnosed I just want to get on

i have just taken early retirement so need to sort out financial matters cope with illness and his moods and mine when I get angry at the cancer.

it is killing our relationship and there is no warmth there and I am to blame

cancer distroys everything thing and I fear my realionship is slowly going 

Why do you think you are to blame - did you choose to develop cancer? Nope, no more than you chose to fall in love with this closet-living, self-obsessed Mummy’s boy!

Cancer will never break down a relationship, but it does expose all the inherent weaknesses.

By all means feel free to be angry. Having cancer sucks and scares the cr@p out of us all. Just don’t turn that anger onto yourself - you deserve better :-) 

Best wishes

Dave