Hi there and welcome ... so sorry you had to go on your journey alone many times ... although I've got an amazing family, they helped but on here, everyone can relate to different things ... on here they know what it feels like ... sometimes I couldn't tell family how I felt as we've got a lot going on in the family so I hold a lot in ... but here wer all like pieces of a jig saw we just all fit together ...

And we can talk about all sorts, not just cancer ... so I really hope you stay awhile on here... there are so many threads started by people for the first time ... just wanting someone to listen ... and sometimes we can't get to them all and they fall through the net ... so any you can answer will be, i feel like giving something back for just being here ... so long may you stay ... big hug Chrissie  x

Hi Sheila 

what a very thoughtful offer .... Ive been in a similar position - that is feeling entirely alone (& dont have a lovely hubby either) - but i was too in shock to articulate how i was feeling & shied away from websites & so on. my diagnosis for breast cancer was in Jan of this year and Ive been really struggling since then  

However - i am now feeling more able to articulate how i feel & posted today on this site 'feeling disfigured' as that is where I am just now 

I wonder how you are 5 years on ? ... i feel if i get to the end of each day ive succeeded - so well done you. Really lovely to hear from a surviver.

Do read my post - any thoughts would be so very welcome

very best Krissi 

Hi Krissi_cat

I read your post, and I felt the same way.  When I first decided to have the double mastectomy with immedate reconstruction, I thought, I'll wake up to two nice firm boobies, no problem.  Ha, well the left    side that originally had the lumectomy and radiation had less skin to work with, before the surgery, my doc and I discussed the sizes to be put in.  he had three choices, very close in size, I said I would want the smaller of the three as I was never very big, between an A and B, but when I woke up, he had put the largest in, the right side was fine, but the left side with the less skin to work with was so tight and had turned black where it was stretched to be sewn together. As I try to explain it, try putting a twin size sheet on a queen size bed and force it together!  I was furious with the doctor for even going with the largest implant!  Why didn't he use the smallest one? Well this side kept getting infected and tearing open, after several infections and tearing open I finally said enough, got really infected that my whole left side was beet red, he had to remove the implant the very next day.  Many meds later (3 months) to get ride of the infection.  I am a teacher, I don't like missing work, had already missed 4 days cause of this, So I was a Uni-boob for the next 7 months, I hated the looks and stares I got at work, I hated looking into the mirror, being a little over weight, I actually had a indent where the implant used to be, the skin was very tight and stuck to my rib cage.  I tried to cover the area by wearing scarves everyday and lots of vests.  My only option was reconstructive surgery with the lattisimus dorsi flap, where they take your lat. muscle from your back, cut it off your spine and bring it around to the front with a piece of healthy skin attached and insert it into where the radiation skin is to create a new breast.  Now I look like a puzzel piece shaped like a football.  the muscle seems to be under my armpit as I cannot lay my arm completely to my side.  Feels like I am holding a small pillow under my arm at all times, My New boob is more under the arm and near the arm than the other one that is on the front of my chest where it should be...  This surgery was just on June 1st this summer.  Still having difficulty looking at myself in the mirror...If I put a sports bra on, I also place a small pad (from an old swimsuit) on the left side to balance it, as this side is much smaller.  I can't yet where a bra with an underwire,cause of all the flesh under my arm, it's not in the right place for the underwire so it just pokes into it and hurts more... movement in the left side is still stiff and sore, have been going to physical therapy to help with this.  has really helped. 

Sorry about my rambling, what I am trying to say is I know what you are going through and you are not alone.  It does get better with time, scars eventually fade and with lots of time, things will get better...if anything else happens, I will probably find a new doctor, cause all he cares about it what they look like squished together!!  He does it at every appointment, and I tell him, I am only worried about not getting infected again!  As I have twice this summer already...anyway... if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.  I will be thinking of you, I am here if you need to chat.

Your new survivor friend,

Sheila

Hi Sheila,

Thank you for your post. I have just registered and found it and I am grateful that you have mentioned that you were alone. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in July and I had surgery mid August and was given a very postive prognosis and ways of seeing things moving on by my surgeon.

I am also alone, I have my husband and two young kids and no family or many friends close by that can help or visit etc. I feel that I am putting all the weight of my worries on my husband who has been so supportive but also has to look after the children.

Today, I was told that they might not have got all the bad tissue out and I might have to go in, I was also told that cancer is grade 3 and HER2 positive which means chemo + radio + hormonal therapy but she also mentioned that althought the lymph nodes were clear (only some protein found in one sentinel lymph node she said and therefore it is considered clear) the cancer has learnt to spread and she doesnt know whether there is some cancer cells in my body and chemo will get rid of them. 

That sentence is stuck in my head, I am so so scared, I am trying to keep positive and I feel at times that I can let cancer rule my life, my conversations with my husband seem to evolve around it and I feel so sorry for him, I wish I could take the burden away and now that I have found this site I think I can.

Thank you for your message. Thank you for your offer and thank you for being there.

Olga