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Boyfriend has stopped communication

Sunnie
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Hi

my boyfriend was diagnosed with bladder cancer 3 months ago, he has been receiving treatment and started feeling more and more depressed. 
 

At first he told me everything, included me and  told me daily was was going on. still calling me pet names and being loving. 
 

this started to stop slowly, he told me Valentine's Day he wasn't feeling very romantic right now but thanked me for my loving words ect..he still read all my messages but doesn't want to see me face to face. Responses became slower too, he said he is very depressed and not sure if he is going to make it even. 
 

he had to go into hospital a few weeks ago, a week after the first one, he answered that it isn't going very well, doesn't want to talk about it, needs peace and quiet, but it's nothing personal, sorry... 

 

I replied I will respect his wishes, and sent some positive and loving words with it, he read it but no reply, since then I have sent a few messages of a pic of a sketch with some words attached a few times, I'm an artist, and wanted him to know I am still thinking of him but understand his need for peace. He is reading these soon after I send them but still no response. 
 

we are both musicians and use the same sites to play, he has logged on invisible but I know he is there, I don't know if he talks to anyone else and it's just me he is ignoring.. 

we were/are very close and loving normally, I am hurting and at a loss as to what to do..

does anyone have any idea if I am just being silly to keep contact from me to him to try support him or am I being a fool, and it's better for us both if stop messaging him altogether.

I woke up one morning and was told my boyfriend has cancer, it was a shock and scary and very upsetting, I didn't expect this kind of silence, I know he is scared, and hurting and in pain, it makes me cry myself to sleep, I want to help him but not sure how anymore , I love him with all my heart, and will stand by him through it all it no matter what .. I just don't know what to do anymore.. 

any advice or ideas would be most appreciated. 
 

thank you and god bless you all xxx

  • Offline

    Hi Sunnie,

    Does your boyfriend live with anyone else, maybe a friend or relative who can assist you to see him face to face so you can talk. Tell him you would like to see him so you can share some of your feelings  (and say some of what you've shared here about how you much you feel about and care for him).

    Ask if you can give him a gentle hug or hold his hand. Ask him if there is anything you can do practically to help or would he like something like playing some music together, or doing some art. If he's not up to it, how about yoga, massage, aromatherapy or someone (not necessarily you) to talk to.  Allow space for him to talk to you about what he needs or someone else to open up if possible and tell you what he needs or would like. 

    If he is adamant that he doesn't want to see you, then write a letter & post it through his door, as letters can be more in depth and carefully thought through, than just texting or social media posts and he is the only one who gets to see it. 

    Whilst things can feel heavy at times, try to share a few lighter things that may be of interest or may lift his mood, or send him a cd of music you know he would like.

    Maybe you could visit him with some lunch prepared of food he likes to eat, but check with him as Chemo or Cancer treatments can affect taste buds. My friend went off onions, so I made dishes for him without onions in it.

    Finally, don't take his rejection personally, but keep lines of communication open with letters or a card or send him a CD of music or just a text. Maybe a phone call to talk.  Don't go on for ages and ages, but keep conversation short if he's tired. Keep in touch regularly.

    If he makes it clear it's too much or he doesn't want to talk to you or see you at all, respect his wishes and back off, but tell him you're there if he needs you as a friend and not his lover. Send the occasional card as a reminder, but do not go over the top if he really doesn't want to be in a close partner relationship with you.

    Just be his friend if he wants it.

    Best of luck

  • Offline in reply to Anita1

    Hi 

    Thank yuu so much for your reply, it really means a lot to me.

    I've been dealing with this alone, it's much harder and sad for him of course, and my thoughts and prayers are for him first always. 
    but has changed my life in a way that just hurts, so yuur repky brought me a little comfort xx

    i appreciate your advice so very much, I'll try all the things you mentioned, very kind and very helpful of you, thank you so much.

    I wish you the very best too xx

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