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Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

14 May 2018 12:16 in response to Jolamine
Hi Jolamine, Thank you very much for always enlightening us and making us deeply understand what cancer patients go through. It seems that my bf started to feel depressed after finding out about the melanoma. He didn't even want to show me his face after the surgery. He sent a couple of pictures when he had biopsy, and I must say, the skin was badly scraped. About the financials, I guess he's more worried, now that he has to spend a lot for the treatment. When I visited him in the US, I saw a big box full of IV treatment/syringes in his house, which according to him are very expensive. I guess at this point, he can't handle anyone else but himself. I'm not sure if his family even know about his health condition, and to make the situation difficult, they are all 3 hrs drive away from each other. What if something happens to him when he's alone? He's also very impatient with the people around him. He kept telling me about his superior who's hard to deal with, which adds stress to his job. I'm not sure if he has thought of taking anti-depressant. He probably wants to just deal with everything on his own. Although we broke up, we remained civil to each other. I sent him a message greeting his mom a happy mother's day, and he replied the same. But you're right, I should not get my hopes up. I will still be here for him whenever he needs someone to talk to. He's a very loving person and I feel I can't just walk away from him even if he wants me to. Hi Mayari, I hope you're coping up with the situation that we both have. Let's be strong for our loved ones, although it's easier said than done. As for me, venting out in this forum helps me to cope up, understand, and accept rejection from someone dealing with cancer. Hugs from across the world.

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

15 May 2018 01:36 in response to Quicksilver1980

 

Hi Quicksilver,

It is difficult to give an accurate picture of how we all react to our cancer journeys, as we all act in different ways. However, financial matters can become paramount, when one is not well enough to work, without the added burden of having to pay for ongoing treatment. It sounds as if your boyfriend is now back at work and I am sorry to hear that his boss is giving him a hard time. He could do without the additional stress just now.

A cancer diagnosis brings with it a whole raft of emotions from anger, depression, denial, fear, tears, impatience and many other feelings. Many people don’t want to take any more medication than necessary, but sometimes we just have to succumb for a short while and, anti-depressants have certainly lifted many of us out of a dark place, even when we didn’t want to take them in the first instance.

It is a pity that his own family are all living a distance away from him too. I am glad to hear that you can both be civil to one another. By all means continue to phone him to see how he’s doing. I am sure that he will soon let you know if he doesn’t want to hear from you, although I suspect that he may secretly be quite glad that you care enough about his health to stay in touch.

Stay positive and, I hope that things work out for you both in the end.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

20 May 2018 14:24 in response to Jolamine

Hi Jolamine, 

Thank you for the advice. I'll stay in touch with him by sending him good thoughts. I don't want him to feel pressured or stressed, so I guess he only needs kind words at this point. I really hope and pray that he will live a happy life for many more years. I have been researching for quite some time on how to take care of a loved one with cancer, and assessed myself if I'm willing to go through all the hardships. It's truly difficult, from emotional to financial stress, but I believe I can do it because I love him with all my heart. I believe I can fight cancer with him. I really hope one day he will let me take care of him. 

 

Sincerely,

Quicksilver

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

20 May 2018 17:44 in response to Quicksilver1980

 

Hi Quicksilver,

By taking a step back for a while, your boyfriend may come to realize that he does need you.

I am glad to hear that you have no illusions about what is involved if you do get to take care of him. There ae so many different sources of stress involved and we see quite a number of marriages breaking apart because one partner or the other cannot cope with all that this entails.

I do hope that things work out for you both, but you will need to be patient.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

 

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

21 May 2018 15:25 in response to Jolamine

Dear Jolamine, I read your very intimate post. Thank you for sharing your innermost feelings and struggles. My husband is dealing with his third remission of lung cancer small cell. We met in July 2015 and and he moved in with me in August. We didn't know but then or shortly after he was out of remission Dec 2015. Ct scans every 3 months. He got treatment but 2016 was very rough. He's in remission about 1.5yrs now. It's hard to know how he's feeling. Second 3rd mth scan where dr wants a PET scan. He lost it finally after it felt he was very cold to me that day of the oncology visit. He finally confided he was scared, he's over it and just wants to go to sleep and never wake up. So I'm not sure if he feels that way always. I don't know how to be...normal, caring, inquisitive. I try to make sure he eats. I think like you said he feels I'm overbearing on caregiving. I called the VA social worker to speak with her because I didn't know what to do. Sometimes she said he doesn't want to talk about it because it makes it real. Sometimes he's short with me. Then I ask if he's in a lot of pain. Steroids for 3 months in 2016 have given him AVN and his hip bones are dying. He walks with a walker, crutches and he uses a wheelchair when needed or for outings and appts. He's playing an online game he use to play now so much and I felt he was shutting me out.. Finally last night we watched several movies together and I felt connected again. It's rough for everyone, the cancer patient and their significant other.

 

I hope that your cancer is tackled. I know it's so hard. Praying for you and your family.

 

Phoenix and the other ladies, you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. We really beat ourselves up but just trying and being there is all we can do to support our loved ones. Praying for you all too and your bfs. 

 

Sincerely

Thereselynn

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

23 May 2018 02:06 in response to thereselynn

 

Hello Thereselynn,

It sounds as you and your husband are going through a rough time at the moment. I am very sorry to hear this, especially when you have only been together for a few years.

Despite this and despite the fact that you sensed that he was cold to you after his oncology visit, try to be there for him, as he will need you throughout his cancer journey. This is not always easy when you feel shut out. You are bound to feel upset and resentful at times. Don’t let this worry you unduly. This is something that happens to many of us cancer patients at times and your reaction is perfectly normal.

I suspect that your social worker is right and he doesn’t really want to talk about how he feels because this makes it real. He is naturally scared of what lies ahead and, possibly worries for you when you are left alone and how you’ll cope without him.


A cancer diagnosis affects all of the family and not just the person who has it. It totally changes our outlook on life, but each day is precious and, if he is still well enough to get around, try to spend the time making precious memories, rather than worrying about what is to come. Three remissions of small cell lung cancer is a lot to deal with. I’m not at all surprised to hear that he has had difficulty coming to terms with this. I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer and know how I felt after the second.

The one thing I wanted my husband to do for me was to treat me as normal. Instead he tried to shield me from the world and wrap me in cotton wool. Instead of appreciating this and making the most of it, I felt angry that he wasn’t doing what I wanted – not fair I know, but that was how I felt. It took some plain talking between the two of us before we compromised. By all means ensure that your hubby eats well and keeps his stamina up, but try to do this without being too overbearing – not an easy task, I know.

Hiding himself in his online game sounds like a good way for him to lose himself for a while and maybe helps him to forget his worries for a time? I can understand why you feel shut out, but am glad to hear that you managed to relax and watch a few films the other night.

I hope that the closeness you felt continues. Good communication is the key to preventing these pent up feelings between you. You will probably find that by gently nudging him to open up and confide his innermost feelings to you, he will eventually discover that this is the best way forward for both of you, but don’t push it. If he’s not ready just leave him. He will talk when he is ready.

Thinking of you both and wishing you the strength to deal with this.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

19 Jul 2018 09:31 in response to Jolamine

Hi jolamine,

So he did have his surgery. The tumors were located in his nasal passages which apparently is very rare but it does happen. He got them completely removed & he didnt have to get any chemo which is great. I'm happy that he's getting better. He has been through alot during that month. His 15 month old recently passed away suddenly. Which was very hard for anyone who knew him. This time around though he let me be by his side & help him through this difficult time. It's been hard but I feel like we are getting to a place where we can talk & just be there for each other now. Its still a journey but it's getting better.

Xx

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

19 Jul 2018 10:06 in response to Phoenix91

Hi there Phoenix. .

Hope you don't mind me popping back, but I stepped back for awhile, as you had the best advice any one could have from jolomine ... I know, coz she took me under her wing when I was on my scary early days .. she doesn't realise just how wonderfull she is ...

But just wanted to say, glad it's getting a bit better on communicating... this cancer has a way of isolating us as everyone can imagine what we go through, but only when you have it, do we fully understand ... so just sending you a big vertual hug on learning how to walk this journey, holding on together ... hope it gets better and better ... chrissie ❤

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

20 Jul 2018 17:27 in response to Chriss

Hi Chriss,

Yes she has been a big part of me getting through this and I really do appreciate her. It's been a struggle but I'm glad things are getting better and I'm glad that I was able to stay strong for him and be there. 

Thank you that means alot to me.

Hugsxx

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

13 Sep 2019 20:10 in response to Mayari

I so hope someone can tell me this is normal. 

My boyfriend of a year has had spine cancer it had gone but come bad bad.  One day ago he was told this. Texted me saying he did not want to see me anymore wanted to be single to get over this on his own did not need any stress etc.  

Iv never felt so useless. I love him so much but only told him today. Why is he doing this to me 

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

13 Sep 2019 20:46 in response to Perry123

Whenever I’m scared or confused I push away the closest people to me. I’m not saying I can relate to your boyfriend in what he’s going through, but just that he must be going through a large number of emotions right now. I’ve personally been extremely worried about my own health for the past 2 weeks or so and only told my family 3 days ago. For me, it’s because I don’t want to face it and everyone who’s close to me knowing can make things feel more real in a way. Just don’t push him and just let him know you’re there for when he needs you. I’m sure there’s a good possibility he’ll come around. Sorry if this didn’t help. 

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

13 Sep 2019 20:50 in response to Gus4597

Tk you so much for replying how kind of you.  I'm sure he is very scared. He finds it hard to talk and show his feelings so this must be hard for him.. He knows I'm here and I do care so much.  

 

 

Boyfriend has cancer pushing me away

14 Sep 2019 12:16 in response to Perry123

 

Hi.Perry,

I am so sorry to hear of the situation between you and your boyfriend. Unfortunately, this is something that happens with a lot of people at this stage.

Bear in mind that he is probably.more aware of his own mortality now and he possibly doesn't want to drag loved ones into this vortex that he finds himself in. I' m sure that he is likely to be afraid of what lies ahead and is trying to protect you. Sadly, pushing all away doesn't hdlp his sotiation.

It is so much easier if he can talk openly to someone about how he feels concerning all aspects of this diksease. Many people start off by denying the existance of cancer even to themselves. This doesn't help us and acceptance gradually arrives.

When we accept the inevitable, we start to open up about our emotions and treatment options and this is when he is likely to need you. 

If you go to the search bar at the top of this page, click on the search engine on the blue banner and insert 'boyfriend pushing me away'..and then click. This will bring up previous posts on this topic, which you may find helpful.

Cancer puts a nig strain on a lot of relationships, but I hope that, with patience, you will get back on track again

 

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on.We ate always here for you.

Kimd regards,

Jolamine xx