Hello Phoenix91 and welcome to our forum.

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend, what a difficult situation this must be for the both of you!

Sadly, this pushing away is something that many here on Cancer Chat will understand as they've been through a similar experience with their loved ones affected by cancer. I hope some of our members who can relate to what you are going through at the moment will be along shortly to share their experiences with you and offer support, as talking does seem to help, but in the meantime feel free to post as much as you need. There is always someone here to listen and you don't have to go through this alone.

Best wishes to you and your boyfriend,

Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi there ... so sorry your in such a sad situation ... sometimes it's harder being on the outside ... 

But not knowing how your b f is really feeling, it could be (only my guess) he's either trying to protect you as it's so painfull seeing people we love hurting because of our cancer journey... and we need to protect them sometimes coz it's so hard for our own heads to get around, and worrying about others has to take second place for awhile...  or the more harder one to hear, is he wants to end the relationship ... I'm sorry, but you need to understand it may just be that too ...

By doing what you have, and saying your there if he needs you , will give him the space to know you still care, but just standing back a pace or two ... if he really does care, he may just contact you at some point, but at least then you'll know how he feels ... and at least you can keep a discreet eye on how he's doing on face book ... hope others come here with their thoughts ... take care ... Chrissie  x

Hi Phoemix,

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering this upset on top of your boyfriend’s diagnosis.

I just wanted to let you know that many of us feel like this in the early days of diagnosis. I have had two bouts of breast cancer now, but I reacted very badly to my initial diagnosis, which was nearly 8 years ago. I constantly argued with my husband of 46 years. A kinder and a more mild mannered man you would never meet, yet I still tried to rile him at every turn. Although I knew that I was doing this, I couldn’t stop myself from persevering. I even had the gall to feel annoyed when he wouldn’t fight back!

I also complained so much about my symptoms that I drove my one and only daughter away and I was absolutely heartbroken when she refused to speak to me, or allow me in her house. I could understand this stance if we weren’t a very close family, but we have always been extremely close. This continued for several months and became all-consuming for me, as I was terrified that I would die before we could put things right again. In that time, I worried more about the break down in our relationship than I did about my cancer. Fortunately, we are now back on track, but this was an extremely upsetting time for both of us.

I also found that my head was all over the place at first. I could have several different emotions in a short space of time. I surprized myself by how angry I felt at first, I also felt desolate, worry for my family, fear, anxiousness, scared, cried frequently and all sorts of other mixed emotions. I might add that all of this was totally out of character for me. I have run my own business for 48 years and have always been a very independent soul.

One thing that I really hated was how much care my husband gave to me. I know that I sound very ungrateful. I’m not. It’s just that I felt suffocated by it all.  He has serious health problems himself and, has always depended upon me to be the strong one. Suddenly the tables were turned and he realized that I was only on this earth for a finite amount of time too and could be gone before him. We have now reached a compromise. I lead as independent a life as I can and he helps out where necessary.

I tell you all this because I still cannot justify why I reacted like this. I am usually very down to earth and just get on with things. The only excuse I have is that I lost both of my parents and several friends and relatives to cancer and just became scared out of my mind that I was going to suffer the same awful end as they did. Fortunately, cancer treatments have come a long way since then and I have been fortunate enough to receive treatment which is miles ahead of what they received.

How did we solve our differences? My daughter refused to speak to me unless we both saw a counsellor. I felt that our meeting was a total waste of time and was not happy divulging my innermost feelings to a stranger. The counsellor wanted to meet us both again, but my daughter relented at this point and, said that we could manage from there, as she could see how upset the meeting had made me. In retrospect, I do think that the meeting helped. We both reflected on a couple of things that the counsellor had said and gradually came round to more positive thinking.

I don’t know whether this information will be of any use to you. Perhaps some others on this forum may be willing to bare their souls about how they felt in the early days of their cancer journey? In the meantime, I guess I’m saying just hang in there, but don’t suffocate him. Many people with a diagnosis of cancer fear the worst and, mistakenly, try to protect their loved ones by refusing to discuss their situation. This doesn’t work for long. He will probably be like most of us here and realize that he needs friends and family to help and support him through this journey. Can I ask how long you have been together for?

You do not say what type of cancer, what stage it is at, or what age you both are. Being in pain can also affect our moods, but this should be controllable if he has a word with his care team. Do you know whether or not he has any treatment or surgery planned?  Do you know his family and whether or not he is also pushing them away, or is he confiding in them? Perhaps if you approached them and told them how you feel, telling them that you are here for him whenever they feel he needs you, this might leave another door open for you?

Please do not upset yourself by your boyfriend’s stance. The way you feel is natural, but chances are that he is still not thinking straight and will be only too happy to talk to you shortly.

I am thinking of you both and sincerely hope that you can overcome this hurdle. Please keep us updated. In the meantime there is always someone here to talk to whenever you feel like talking.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine,

Well at some stuff has changed since the last time I wrote. He has reached out to me & we talk every couple days. He's still not letting me in about his cancer so I am in the dark about what is going on. He's 24 & I'm 26yrs old, we have only been together for 4months. Its been a short relationship but i do love him very much. I try to make the conversations are normal as can be because that's what it seems that he wants at the moment. There are times were it seems like everything is going okay with him & then there's times were he just won't really be present in the conversation. The worst part is the we live far from each other. So I haven't been able to see him. The main reason in the beginning was because he wanted to be left alone. I haven't asked since maybe I should. See where it goes?

I did ask though about our situation because it is driving me nuts not talking to him like we used but I try to understand why. At least he's talking to me right? Well anyways I ask if we were still together & if he still felt the same way. All he said we 'Idk right now..' 

I don't know what to do. Right now I'm just feeling down about everything. I feel sad, mad.. 

Hi Phoenix91

I came across your thread and am very moved by your situation, I find myself in the exact same place and I am interested to hear how things have turned out so far.

My long distance boyfriend has been diagnosed with an uncurable cancer a year ago and things have gotten very complicated since then. We share almost the same age as you do... So I can understand what you are going through now. If you like feel free to message me, I think exchanging our experiences might help us both...

Sending you hugs from oveerseas. Stay strong!

Hi Phoenix,

I am glad to hear that there has been a wee *** in your boyfriend’s armour. This is a move in the right direction. You are both too young to let this ruin your lives.

It is difficult to communicate when you live so far away from each other. Can you arrange to meet up? It is so much easier to talk face to face. You could have a heart to heart discussion about how you both feel.  You can tell him how upset you are that he cannot confide in you and assure him again that you are here for the long term, if that is what he wants.

The difficulty in baring your soul is that he could decide to end it or he could decide to move forward with you. I hope that it is the latter.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Stay close 

Hi Jolamine,

Its been difficult because he has been pushing me away. It had been a month since we had talked. We have rescently started talking again and he did apologize for pushing me away. He said he was just so scared and thought that he was going to die. We had a long conversation about how he felt and how it made me feel being out of the loop on things and not being able to be there for him. He understood and now I know whats going on with him and I can be there for him.

Now we are taking things slow because he wants to fix things between us so thats progress.

xx

Hi Phoenix,

This is great news. The fact that you have both been able to discuss your feelings is good. Communication is key to coping with your boyfriend's diagnosis. In the early days it is difficult to assimilate all that is going on and we tend to think the worst.  I must confess that I tended to push my own family away in the early days, even though I couldn't have a more supportive family. There is no rhyme or reason for why I reacted like this. Like your boyfriend, I immediately thought of death and I was petrified. I suppose that originally, I wanted to protect my loved ones from this, as I'm sure that your boyfriend did.

However, I soon realized that this is not the way to do it. I have discussed everything with my family since and it is so much easier than trying to cope with everything alone. I hope that you both manage to keep talking. The fact that you are still here despite his actions, shows your tenacity. It  proves that you are here for the long term and it sounds as if he realizes that now.

You are quite right to take things slowly, but do try to keep those communication channels open, now that you are talking.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

This is fantastic news and I hope that you can both move forward together.

Hi Jolamine,

Thanks for helping me through all this. Your kind words have helped me so much especialy when I didn't have anyone close to understand what I was going through. I am glad that things are going alot better for him and I. I do hope that it stays this way.

Im glad that it all worked out for you when you were going through all this and that you have your family with you. How are you doing now in regards to your health and just in general?

Oh, and he is going for a pre-op appointment  this month and talk about what kind of surgery they will be preforming on him and what the next steps will be be. Which is a scary thing to think about but at least something is being done now right.

Xx