I am so sorry for your loss, mark must have been a wonderful man to have someone miss him so much. I am currently sat in a hospice with my 33yr old sister who has been told she has days left. I can’t imagine what I’m going to do. As you said I have other friends, my mum and my husband but we are the closest and I feel absolutely terrified that I’ll feel miserable for the rest of my life as there will be a hole that no one else will be able to fill. So as not to sound all doom and gloom since we’ve had her prognosis lots of people have come out of the woodwork to tell me about their loss. I now know it’s ok at this moment to feel desperate, lonely, angry and many other things but there is light. The grief will never go away but I may become better at dealing with it. I hope you can do the same for Mark’s sake, if he’s anything like my sister he’ll just want you to carry on as best as you can and smile from time to time remembering all the wonderful memories you made together xxxxx

Hi there, I have recently gone through a similar process.  My sister who was 35 with three young kids, had an aggressive cancer (Cholangiocarcinoma).  I recently relocated to Australia and within 3 months she got ill and unfortunately died.  I have recently had a child myself just before she died, but came back to the UK to see her deteriorate, including going into palliative care.  Despite feeling lucky to have had the last few weeks, and moments with her, it really was brutal.  I can’t see how I will get over that period.  Sometimes I forget it happened, and then have that gutwrenching pull back to that dark place of it being real.  You’re right, feeling desperate, lonely, angry – I just feel lost a lot of the time.  Losing that safety net of a sibling, someone who you should have been there your whole life, past, present and future.  And yet there is some light, im sure it will get easier.  And like you others, she wouldn’t have wanted sadness, notwithstanding how impossible it feels.  I do hope your sister has held on.  Feel free to reach out, there are not many in the same position with siblings of a similar age! 

Sam

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss...I'm 19, I lost my dad to a brain tumor in February 2017 now its just me, my mum and my sister. I understand that losing someone you've fallen in love with and chosen to love must be very different to losing a parent who you've loved due to blood and nature. But for your young teenage boys, and your family's sake don't let it become a taboo subject. My family don't really talk about our feelings and greif with each other anymore, it feels that no one wants to bring upset to the table. But by not talking about it I sometimes feel alone, or that still not feeling ok after 2 years is almost wrong and that they're now strong and okay again. I understand that for some grief will never go away but it's important to know and be told that it does become easier to deal with. With this again theres no normal time frame, no time where not being ok is unacceptable or wrong. 

In the months after my Dads passing I felt the same, isolated and alone, but now I only wish that I'd chosen a friend to spill my feelings out to and to find comfort in, I think that it would have helped me both then and to this day as now no one understands the stages of grief and almost emotional recovery that i've been through, and so its hard for them to help me when I have my down days. (but everyone copes differently)

To simply answer your post, you're not alone and I have faith that no matter how long it takes you your ability to deal with the cruel path life has brought you along will get easier. I still have days where I feel the physical pain in my stomach of sadness but far far less than I use to. 

Sending my love,

L xxx