Hello and welcome. I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved husband.   There has been a lot of discussion about anticipatory grief on this forum; in the 15 months I have been posting here it has been discussed quite a few times and if you wish to do so you will find previous discussions by clicking on the words "Search Forum" in the blue banner above your post and typing in the words "anticipatory grief".  It is generally felt to be a common phenomenon - and it makes sense as in almost all cases when a loved one has a terminal diagnosis the awful feelings start from that point on and we realise that there is no reprieve.    Don't worry about not crying; there are huge variations in people's reactions; some cry buckets from the moment of diagnosis and continue to do so for a while after the death.  Others don't cry at all but bottle it all up inside them; others do a mixture of the two.  It doesn't mean that anyone is grieving less than another - it just varies from person to person.  I hope this helps you in some little way and please do come back and chat - many people here will understand what you have been going through.  Annie

Hi Annie , thank you so much for your kind and sensible words

I did a search as you suggested and found some posts,it does help to feel that you are not alone in your reaction.I have family and friends who are fantastic, but no one other than someone who has been through this can start to comprehend what it’s like.

thank you again

I only just read about this anticipatory grief today and I think this is what I’m feeling just now.my best friend has sGlioblastoma stage 4 and failing before my eyes.i have been helping her sister with her care and palliative nurses are now attending.The last month has been hard as she can no longer see properly,is weaker down one side and cannot get any words out but is fully aware of all this and life in general.She has started having seizures this week .im supporting her family as well as I can but I cry every time I come home as I fear I might not see her alive the next day.i hate seeing her suffering but I don’t want her to die .Its extremely difficult for her family and I know they’ll need me after she’s gone too.How do I manage my grief better so I can support my friends ?

I am very sorry for your loss,and can understand the anticipatory grief you described as I think this is what I’m feeling now.Your post has helped me understand my feelings a bit better so thank you for that.

Be kind to yourself x

Hi there, first of all I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I lost my darling on 25th November last year. He was diagnosed in August 2017 and I can put my hand on my heart and say that from that day to this not a day has gone past when I haven't cried at some point. The grief I felt when Steve was first diagnosed was similar to the grief I have felt since he died. We both knew, given the odds of surviving his particular cancer (oesophageal), that we were really going to be up against it and whilst I hoped and prayed that Steve would survive I think I always knew the Cancer would take him from me. To begin with I was crying for the unjustness of it all, and because I couldn't bear to think of Steve having to go through everything in terms of treatment and recovery and the thought that I might lose him and all our lovely plans for retirement would die with him.. Now I grieve for the finality of it all for our stolen years and because I am so lost without him. The world is a very scary place at the moment and it really doesn't make much sense to me.

But, to your point about anticipatory grief , I think it is definitely something that I and many people on this forum have suffered from. It is our bodies way of protecting us and helping us accept the enormity of the situation. The fact that you haven't been able to cry is probably a sign of sensory overload. There is only so much our bodies and Minds can cope with before things start to shut down, shut off. Don't worry too much about it. so long as you are aware of your emotions and grief one Way Or Another you will work through it. I think the problem comes when people deny their emotions or bottle everything up. If you think you may be slipping into denial then you might want to think about getting some counseling

I don't know if any of that helps, it feels very much like I have just offloaded to you but sometimes sharing experiences can help. The weird thing with grief is everything is normal.

I wish you much courage and strength in the coming weeks and months. I hope the memories of a wonderful 40-year marriage will keep you warm and give you some comfort

Please take care of yourself, lots of love Ruth xxx

Thank you for your kind words, I was nervous about posting for the first time.I’m glad my post helped 

Thank you for your reply,this forum is helping me a lot,there are such lovely people posting on it, and we are all more or less ,in the same position, no SusanRuth I don’t think you are offloading on to me at all,thank you again for your kind comments x

Hi there, this is my first post.  My husband Dave has Terminal cancer of the bowel, which has spread to a bone in his left pelvis and peritoneum.  We don't know yet how long he's got.  Ever since the terminal cancer was diagnosed I have been devastated partly because I sent for an ambulance 3 times before the diagnosis, when he was screaming in agony and 3 times they sent him home with "it's just indigestion".  I cry every day and my heart is truly broken.  I cry because of the misdiagnosis and the pain he went through and the pain yet to come,  I cry for everything we could have done together in the future which has been stolen and I cry for myself as I don't know how I will continue without him.  My doctor said that it is indeed Anticipatory grief which has also triggered a very deep depression.  I get so angry sometimes that I self-harm but don't worry about me I am getting help for all of this.  My poor Dave understands the Anticipatory grief but some of my family just think I'm depressed - yes they will join me in Grief when Dave has gone, then perhaps they will start to understand what I am going through now.

So Lancashirelass I more than understand what you went through and are still going through now, I'm really sorry about this, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  The medical field recognises it, it's just a pity that the general population aren't educated in this phenomenon.  I feel like I am going through Hell and because the majority of people probably haven't even heard of Anticipatory grief, I feel so alone.  Dave also thinks it looks as if I am trying to take the attention away from him, which I'm not - if I could make this go away I would.  God Bless You.

Hello Sims are real

Yes it was a terrible period before he died , I was hyper sensitive to any ache or pain he had , thinking he was going to breathe his last. As you say no one can understand unless they have experienced it.As I said in my first post I used to come from visiting him and just cry cry cry.

one night I came home distraught , a long standing friend phoned and I told her I was upset at coming home and leaving him there,her response was “well you have got your dog for company”. She is no longer a long standing friend,needless to say! 

Yet other friends and relatives have been great.

Thinking of you

Thanks Lancashirelass, your comment about your long-standing friend no longer being your long-standing friend made me smile.  It was almost as if she said 'snap out of it'.  Boy that phrase really gets my hackles up.  How are you now though?  I know you will still be grieving but I just don't know what to expect, it's the unknown that frightens me.

God Bless and thinking of you also.