Hi Lynne_J,

I'm really sorry to hear about the impact your husband's diagnosis is having on your relationship but I'm glad you've joined the Cancer Chat community as many members here have found the forum to be a great source of comfort and support when they have been in this position and I hope you too. Now that I've replied I'm sure some of them will reply soon to offer their advice and share their experiences with you but do use the 'search forum' option above to look for previous discussions about this as well.

If you would like to talk to someone about what you are going through then do give our cancer nurses a call. Their freephone number is 0808 800 4040 and are available Monday - Friday between 9a.m - 5p.m. 

Kind regards, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Lynne,

Is he like this with you all the time, or does he get apologetic afterwards? You are probably right to blame the brain tumour for his personality change or his loss of social inhibitions, or whatever is causing this, but that won't it any less painful for you to put up with. 

It isn't all that unusual for patients to be absolute angels with the staff and then to take out their frustrations on their loved ones. I'm not sure why, but so many people are on their best behaviour with doctors and nurses and only let their guard down with friends and family.

Try to remember him in happier times, but in your place I'd make sure he knew how much his behaviour is hurting you.

Best wishes

Dave

He went from constant criticism and abuse then an occasional episode of remorse then back to the abuse. This was always worst when he and I were together with nobody else present. It was relentless so I had to develop a strategy to deal with it. I would raise my hand and say,

"I am not prepared to listen to this," and leave the room.

His condition has now deteriorated and he has little energy to talk at all, but has become very remorseful and sad. He apologises for putting me through all this. There are occasional angry outbursts at me but they are much less and I employ the same strategy. 

I understand your lack of enthusiasm for the activities that you usually find rewarding. This kind of abuse is demoralising and sucks the energy out of you. Remember, this is his behaviour, he (and possibly his treatment) is responsible for it. You are not to blame.

I found it necessary to walk away when he started being abusive but the thing that had the most powerful impact was when I had had a long talk with one of his nurses, I was in tears and I walked back into his room and said,

"This is what you are doing to me," so Dave above was right in saying that I should make sure he knew what he was doing.

Sorry to read that you've had to go through this on top of everything else - your strategy sounds very sensible.