Hello FJ and a warm welcome to Cancer Chat! 

You are definitely not selfish at all. You have lost your mum too early in your life and 9 years on, it still hurts a lot and you are finding it difficult to move on. The anger you are feeling is a normal stage of grieving as you will see in our Coping with Grief section which explains in detail the types of emotions you may go through as you grieve. It is not uncommon to feel robbed and that it was all so unfair. 

Some of these overwhelming emotions may then be transferred onto your feelings towards your inlaws. Don't feel guilty about that. It is completely understandable that  when you look at them - and they may be a similar age to your parents - you suddenly think of your own family, of your parents being always together. You're definitely not nasty and those are emotions that in time you will learn to overcome and you will feel at peace again. 

As it's been 9 years though since your mum passed away, it might be a good idea to talk to your GP about how you are feeling about all this and whether they may have some suggestions for you. They may be able to offer grief counselling, for example, which might be beneficial to you and help you feel gradually a little better and come to terms with everything that happened in the last few years. So do give your doctor a call I am sure they will be able to point you in the right direction.

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi FJ,

I was in a similar situation to you this time last year. I was 36, lost my Mum who was 62 (pancreatic cancer) and felt very alone. Going through a difficult loss, you certainly know who is there for you and who isn't. To me, it still feels like I lost my Mum yesterday. You will have ups and downs and unfortunately there's no time scale for grief. You are entitled to feel the way you do, and it's an important part of healing.

I spoke to a bereavement councillor which really helped me. I don't think they see people until 3 months have passed, but if you think it may help you, you could try it. It helped to have someone to talk to who wasnt family or friends and I could be honest and open about how I was feeling.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and have just finished chemotherapy. I really miss my Mum and wish she was here as I know her positivity would boost me on my down days, but in spirit I know she's always with me.

Take care,

Rach x