Hi

It's utterly devastating news to hear, the last word you want to hear is Cancer and yet all you can think about now. My husband was diagnosed with stage 3 multiple myeloma cancer the day before Christmas eve, I don't think I've ever felt such pain. We have a 21 month old son and all to live for, now I face the prospect of being a widow and single parent. I can't image what goes through my husband's head, we talk about his fears and hopes for the future, he fears he won't see our son go to school or walk his daughter down the isle, all natural feelings I guess. But we muddle through each day. He has devised his bucket list,  some achievable some totally wacky....I don't think Rory Mcilroy is available for a wee round of golf lol. 

I get where your coming from, sometimes I feel like im in a room full of people but yet utterly alone. Family have been amazing and yes people say if you need anything let me know...but to ask for help even just an ear to rant is hard. My husband has the cancer yet I feel like it's effecting me just as much as him. I get so angry with everything it's hard to remember to take a breath and just be still. To watch is almost harder than to suffer. 

I find talking to strangers easier and less of a burden here than talking to my friends and family. I feel like the future I thought I had has just been stolen and replaced with a *** one that I don't want. You need your sister just as much as she needs you, be strong for her. X 

Stef

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply Stef. I really appreciate your kind words and about needing her just as much as she needs me.

So sorry to read about your situation and your husband and your little boy, i cant imagine the additional level of stress it brings when there are children involved. Agree with you its like the future and plans you have have just been robbed and replaced with something rubbish you dont want and are powerless to change. 

I also dont like to ask for help, when people say you're being so brave and so supportive, you also dont feel you can scream and say how much it's hurting inside.

As you also say, I can't imagine what goes through her head day after day in the hospital she can't communicate to us properly so I'm just wondering and imagining things all the time.

I think reaching out on here has helped, even just having somewhere to put something down last night when i felt very low.

Xxx

Hello LionHeart30

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.

There is nothing about this that is easy - and you are being a kind and loving sister. Be brave and strong, and make sure you have someone to talk to, there is a lot of helpful advice on this site, so seek it out.

My wife is currently in late stages with a stage 4 tumour - I wish you and your sister as much time together as possible, and I'd agree with chatting to strangers is easier for someone reason.

Please keep posting and we will all help and be here for a kind word if and when you need it.

Hi 

I was just wondering how you and your sister are getting on, I was thinking about you both and hoping all is well. 

Stef 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. So sorry to hear about your wife, how are things at present?

I'm doing my best to be brave and strong for now, i definately dont feel it but keep putting one foot in front of the other and every time I start to feel like i cant cope I remember that I can't let her down and im determined not to let the last days/weeks of her life just be full of people sobbing on her bedside and it pulls me back up. 

Take care

Em

Hiya Stef,

Funny I hadn't logged on for a few days and just was wondered how things were with you and your husband aswell?

Sister has kind of plateau'd really. She doesn't seem to be significantly worse but she also doesnt seem to be getting any better either. She is being fed through a nasal tube at the moment but she kept pulling it out in her sleep and then we were told the cancer would take her soon so they recommended "risk feeding" her as a pallative care thing, so she could enjoy tastes etc and not worry about how much of it goes down or her calorie intake. Which is fine but she cannot swallow and as the brain swelling doesnt seem to be getting worse and shes not mentally declining, I was concerned she would starve or her kidneys would fail from dehydration before the cancer took her and it just felt wrong to let her starve to death if she cannot get anything into her stomach without help.

So they're back in with the nose tube, they've put a big padded glove on her working hand which she can't get off to pull her tube and we have yet another assessment meeting with the pallative care team tomorrow.

For some reason I know the prognosis but the manner in which it happens and her level of comfort when it does have become the primary concern for me.

Bloody cancer. Some days its just so punishing and brutal to watch but (as I'm sure we all do who watch our loved ones go through this) its just one day at a time and one foot infront of the other.

Hope you are having better days with the mr and the little one

Em

Xx

hey

things have plateaued here as well - she’s moving around on her frame, but is bed most of the time. There are signs of worsening but I’m remaining positive.

You keep being brave and strong, and if you can’t be, that’s ok - just tell people what you need. One day at time, one hour at a time - she’s with you right now, for now.

 Not sure what else to say, but please feel free to chat at any point.

We’ll be here

HI Em 

Im glad your sister is doing ok, and hasn't negotiated. Watching is definitely harder, as you feel like the helpless one. My husband has had a few really bad days and spent time in bed sleeping. Mind you he was up like a lark this morning and away to the golf club. That's the good and the ugly side of this horrible cancer. 

Always remember you are not alone when you can vent your feelings here, it's been a great source of comfort for me. Sending  hugs x

Stef