Hi FeatherClouds,,

I'm so sorry to read about your Mum's diagnosis and the impact it is having on you. Whatever our age, the realisation that our parents are vulnerable hits us all hard. 

Pre-emptive or anticipatory grief is a well documented and real thing (see Wikipedia), I felt it when I realised my own Mum was going to die of cancer - thinkng of all the damily events she wouldn't see, her grandchildren getting married, great grandchildren being born and so on. Then I felt it and observed it in my own nuclear family when I was diagnosed. It is real and it is bl**dy horrible. Negative thoughts and fears are pretty normal in your situation. I'd be more worried if you didn't have them, as that would imply that you were either in denial or an emotionless psychopath. 

I

I obviously don't know you, or your Mum, but I found it easier to talk to my Mum about how long she had left to live and her own fears and anxieties when we were alone together. I even had to quietly ask my Dad to give us some space, which he was glad to do as he'd been caring for her 24/7 for months. I valued that conversation because she said she felt better afterwards as it meant that my Dad wasn't the only one who knew what she wanted to be done in the event of certain things happening. She was particularly worried that when she decided not to have further chemo that this would be supported by her family - my job (as she put it) was to stop my younger siblings from trying to change her mind.

I'm glad you have told the staff at Uni about your situation - please don't hesitate to talk to your tutor or lecturers about your feelings. They won't feel burdened by it, believe me. When I used to work in a Uni, one of the biggest fears was of under-grads keeping issues to themselves and then doing something stupid. 

Your negative thoughts are only natural given the circumstances, but if they start to overwhelm you please ask for help either online here or by phoning one of the nurses on freephone 0808 800 4040

Best wishes

Dave

Hi there ... and welcome ... bless ya, there's not much more I can add to what Dave has said ... but just wanted to say, at 19 you should be enjoying life and not having to deal with this ... life can be so crule ... and if you try to stay strong for everyone, it will catch up with you in the end ... you need to let others know your scared too ...  it's about balancing all those feelings ... your young shoulders arnt strong enough to help everyone ... your just human ... not superwoman ... so be kind to your heart and know it's o.k to say you need help ... and a hand to hold ...

Doctors don't like giving time on how long someone has, because some live a lot longer, and some go quicker ... everyone is different ... try not to look ahead ... live in the day, and take every day as a bonus ... go with your feelings, whatever they are ... cry, yell, or smile if there's something that makes you feel o.k ... and hold on to each other ... together ... support those close, and let them support you too ..

Sending you a big hug ... Chrissie

Featherclouds, hello and welcome.  Reading your post I could feel the tension and fear that you seem to living under.  I don't think you will be doing yourself or your family any favours if you continue to be so stressed.  Don't misunderstand me; you sound such a nice caring person and I can see that you are just trying to do your best - but you cannot keep this up.  I am no miracle worker (I wish!) and I realise I do not understand the dynamics within your family.

I don't think you can be all things to all people without causing problems for yourself.  I understand you want to spend time with your mum and help her when possible but you need some time for yourself as well or the result is that you won't be able to help anyone.  I don't really understand why you don't ask your mum about your prognosis - is it that you don't really want to know?  As this is obviously a matter of major concern you might like to ring MacMillan Cancer Support (0808 808 0000) to chat about your mum's illness.  Don't  be afraid to reach our for help for yourself. 

I know it is not my place to interfere in your life but  I would recommend that you do talk to your friends and your lecturers.  Nobody is superhuman and they want to be be of help.  We all need help sometimes.  And don't worry about breaking down; they are used to talking to their students about problems and they will have had their own problems in their lives when younger.  Again, from a totally unqualified person who has had no medical training I am not surpised that you are full of worry and fear - you need to let it out and share your feelings.  You are willing to give help when needed; let others return the favour.   I also think you will cope better with the issues in your life and family if you take time to chill out with friends and relax.  

And come back to talk to us if it helps you at all.  Annie

I wanted to come back and thank you all. Although I never did ask or push further on my worry to my parents. 

I'm now 20. It's been 4 months since my last post and I came home from University in the May. I spent a lot of time with my mother during these 4 months and sadly she passed almost 3 weeks ago, now. It's weird how fast time goes. 

We understood chemo could not do anything more for her; it would only make her worse and the support from district nurses, doctors, all sorts was phenomenal. They said they'd never seen so many people go in and out of one hospital room to say their goodbyes over a period of 4 days.

I don't think knowing how long she had left would have helped me come to terms with my fear and negativity but the positivity that my mother had was the best feeling I could've had and thankfully her passing was incredibly peaceful and surrounded by friends and family, albeit it all happened pretty fast. I had my closure in the hospital, and up until a day or so before to was responsive to small things like 'I love you's or goodbyes. 

Luckily, I have my passion and I've been able to channel my grief into that and into my family's support and love. Through that passion I have images of her that I'll always cherish and writings that are meaningful to me.

On one hand, I'm thankful she's no longer in a place of distress but on another hand I can't help but think about all the things she'll never get to see or experience, she'll never get to see me graduate or I'll never get to lay on the bed and watch movies with her, that I won't get to hold her hand or stroke her head. Little things and big things just pop up; thoughts that she'll never get to meet my future significats or see me get married. Just things that are out of my control but that I know she'll get to see somehow, someday but not from our perspective on Earth.  

My anticipatory grief had the best of me, but all I needed was to spend time with her. 

I just wanted to thank you all, your posts helped and it gave me a chance to understand a little bit better what I was going through; especially knowing that people can empathise with a situation that they've experienced themselves.

Hello FeatherClouds,

Thank you for coming back after 4 months and taking the time to share the sad news of your mum's passing with us. I just wanted to send you our sincere condolences on behalf of the Cancer Chat team.

I am pleased you have found comfort in talking to others on this forum who understood exactly what you were going through having, as you say, experienced it themselves. You are welcome here at any time if you ever need to talk or share the experience you've had with others now going through a similar situation.

Best wishes,
Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi there hunny ...

I'm so so sorry you've lost your mum at such a young age ... l felt robbed at 36 when I lost my mum .. 

You are so amazing, even if you don't see it right now ... and I'm so glad she got to go peacefully... that's what we all want. . And you got to spend time with her ... memories are pictures the heart takes ... and you know she will be there with you in every milestone of your life, coz you've got her tucked up in your heart ... and you are her, she made you ... so carry her there along your journey, and I bet she's really proud of her girl ... and at least she got to see you grown up ... that's all I ever wanted, to see my boys become men ...

So I'm sending you a huge great hug, if I'd had a daughter like you, I'd be brimming with pride too ..

Take care .. and always here if you need it ... chrissie

So sorry to hear that your Mum has died. That is never easy to cope with. Please come back if you ever feel the need to chat with people who have had similar experiences :-)

Best wishes

Dave