hello! :-) , i am very scared about having to be writing this and it’s something i’d never thought i’d be doing but i need to find some kinda comfort and ease. im sorry about the length of this, i have just realised how long it is! 

i am 15 years old, 16 in less than a week and i am absolutely terrified about the possibility of having cancer. i’m sorry if i ramble on but i want to explain this to the best of my ability. i have pretty bad health anxiety, i’ve always felt very distressed and irked out by the thought of doctors, hospitals, disease, needles, blood etc even sitting in the doctors waiting room is enough to make me sweat and hyperventilate. any tiny thing that seems wrong with me sends me in to freak out mode lol 

basically, on 8th january i went to my orthodontist as i have some issues with my teeth, i previously had this brace thing to move my jaw forward due to an overbite and i also just recently had my braces removed. anyways i went to the orthodontist as i had been complaining to my mum that my jaw looked squint and it often hurt and locked into place. we discovered i had a temporomandibular joint disorder due to aggressive clenching of my jaw. so i thought okay all is well i’ll do as the orthodontist told me. later that evening i was pushing my fingers under my jaw when i felt this lump, a lymph node, and immediately freaked out. it starts just under my jaw and goes to about just before the middle of my neck. me being me i tried to measure it and it seemed to be about 3cm x 1.5cm which is pretty large for a lymph node. it is soft, it feels like a soft muscle, it moves about easily and it has defined edges. i checked the other side and there was one there too but i wasn’t as concerned as it didn’t feel as big. i thought that this may be due to a previous cold i had just had and i had developed a sore throat as well so i thought that may be the case. 

anyways, i did the worst thing i could do and searched up what it could be online with everything referring back to lymphoma which, quite frankly, terrified the *** out of me. i didn’t even know this was i thing?! this resulted in me crying before telling my mum three days later after i found it. she reassured me that it would just be a swollen lymph node and would go down after some time. she told me that she has had lymph nodes that took months to go down which eased my mind a bit. the next day i had a concert and i felt like it almost ruined my experience, not during the concert, but before and afterwards as i am usually ecstatic but at this point, i felt very distant and worried.

my mum booked an appointment to the doctors for the 15th of january, which happened to be the day of my english exam but it was before hand. i had managed to get myself into complete melt down mode due to stress and anxiety which my mum thinks has now reflected into my physical health. anyways i was seen by a doctor and she told me that it was simply reactive lymph nodes, they were soft, easily moveable and even though they felt quite large to me she wasn’t concerned as some people just generally have larger lymph nodes than others or mine may have remained large after a previous infection. i also had a very red throat and a fever so she told me i had a viral throat infection and to take paracetamol four times a day blah blah blah. if the lymph node had not gone down, i was to come back a month or so later.

now, this is where the problem is. the lymph node has not gone down. i am worried to say the least. the lymph node on the other side almost feels larger, i can’t tell if it was always that size and has just came closer to the surface or if it has actually gotten larger, it seems like it’s about 2.5/3cm x 1cm. there is also one just below it which i don’t think i noticed as i never touched that area, it is about 1cm x 1cm or maybe smaller. both soft, both movable, both defined edges. the other problem is, i have developed other symptoms. i must mention i have been taking a contraceptive since november, microgynon, as i suffer from extremely heavy and sore periods and this has given me some relief. all of these symptoms have appeared since i took this pill, which makes me wonder if they are related.

after i finished my exam on the 15th, i noticed my arm started to get really tingly like pins and needles. it was odd because it wouldn’t go away. this then progressed into my upper back and my head, which scared me as i know this can be due to pressure applied to nerves. i then started worrying that something was going on in my brain, which is ridiculous. the tingling then decided to go visit my legs ever so slightly but has never been in my lower back or right arm. the tingling lasted for a week or two then disappeared but has since come back. i am thinking that it is anxiety related as when it left i felt quite calm and relaxed but i noticed that now that it’s back i have been very very anxious and worried. i developed a headache on friday 18th ( i remember dates very well, think i have a talent for this) and since then i have not had relief !! they will disappear for some days or it will be constant for days. they feel like tension headaches, particularly above my ears which sometimes progress into an actual headache in my temples. the back of my head also feels quite heavy, but i have TERRIBLE posture so i’m not sure if this is related. the headaches are not bad enough to take medication and i find they disappear when i lie down or when i participate in some form of exercise, i noticed when playing basketball in p.e that the tension and pressure had significantly reduced. 

then came other symptoms, which i’m not sure if i have always had and am just noticing now due to the anxiety or have actually just came on. i have very dry eyes and have been complaining of this since last year. they are pretty blood shot and seemed slightly yellow tinged which then shot worry of jaundice to my head. my mum also has slightly yellow eyes and i noticed my boyfriend does too but this is only noticeable if you pull the lower eyelid down or looking to the side, which is the same for me. i am short sighted and often see floaters which are pretty annoying but i noticed what looked like a glare in my vision, which then again scared me. i made an appointment at the opticians, literally crying before i could barely explain what the issue was but the ladies at the desk were very sweet and reassured me that it was okay to be upset. i am a very sensitive person anyways and because i’ve been so anxious about my health, i knew i was gonna cry anyways. so the optician checked my eyes, there were no changes in my actual vision, my eyes in perfect health, no pressure, no swelling or pressure on my optic nerve (thank god!) and no signs of any other problems. my problem was, very dry eyes. i’ve been given a gel that works lovely, my eyes feel great but i think other factors are my house is always at ridiculous temps due to it being a new build, i’m quite bad for spending too long on social media and the possible culprit, the contraceptive pill! dry eyes are a side effect so i’m hoping this may be relieved by the discontinue of it. i’m currently on my week off of the pill anyways so i’m just going to stay off and see what happens. i’ve also noticed i get a slight pain in the side of my waist every so often, i don’t think i could even class it as a pain it’s just like a slight tinge every once in a while. i understood why i was getting it on my right side as i had pulled a muscle but not my left. i don’t think it’s anything of concern but i thought i’d mention it anyways.

my mum thinks a lot of this has been brought on by the pill and by anxiety, which i am hoping as well. she has been a massive help in helping me remain positive and calm, my mother's intuition is ALWAYS correct and she believes i am okay, she’s getting frustrated that i don’t believe her as much but i’m taking her word for it now. she even went to the efforts of getting me those rescue remedy calming drops things and has told me to meditate and use colouring books, lol bless her soul  

soooo, i have an appointment for tuesday 26th, feeling pretty nervous and am hoping the doctor is yet again not concerned. part of me wants her to order blood tests, scans, biopsies etc just so i can be clear about things but i think i would freak out if she said she wanted to as then it would make me think that something was actually wrong. i know i can’t be diagnosed over the internet but what are your thoughts? any ways for me to further reduce anxiety? i’m sorry this is so long, i’m pretty bad for rambling on but i really just wanted to explain this to the best of my ability. thanks in advance, i hope to hear from a few people soon! i hope you have a lovely day wherever you are