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:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

20 Nov 2016 11:37

I'm so dreading Christmas & new year is this going to be last one I will I spend with my mother. Wish I had magic wand to change way things turned out . God it hurts like hell knowing one day my mother wouldn't be here no more nothing makes any sense. My mother had hospital appointment  Friday.she on pain relief and they going to put things in the house and bath for here to make it more easy for here . Is so upsetting to watch someone you love in pain. I went to see here Thursday and she wasn't here self I asked her is everything ok she looked at me and I so it in here eyes it was like scared fear I can't explain it she told me she was depressed. Seeing my mother cry killed me I cried as well I never seen my mother cry all what she been through. I'm hurting so much while I'm typing this the tears are rolling down my face I feel like I can't talk to no one  in my family even my partner so I keep bottlng in up I feel like i need to talk to someone but how . It so hard people say you got be strong it's so hard to be strong when someone you love going through this . I feel like everyone going on with life I'm just stuck I really don't know what do I'm doing all these things what you suppose to do and I still feel heart broken I really not dealing with this I'm trying but it's hard . Then my sister told me something that I shouldn't know and it's eating me up I don't know what to do about it . I really struggling with what going on I feel so angry upset all the things you suppose feel it's night mere I really don't want my mother to die I love here so much she my world words can't explain how much I love my mother it's so hard . My mother know how much I love here but I think that not enough I should be doing more but how . Wish everything was how they where we was so happy but now this is destroying us all . Sad

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

20 Nov 2016 11:51 in response to Gemini39

Hi Gemini,

I do know how you feel as a lot of what you wrote was exactly how I felt when my mother was in hospital. Such a range of feelings and emotions. You feel guilty as you dont think your doung enough, but the reality is there is nothing much you can do to meke them better. I truely believe it is often harder bieng the carer than it is the patient. At least when your the patient, you do feel you have some control.

Sending kind thoughts and best wishes your way, Brian.

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

20 Nov 2016 17:21 in response to Gemini39

Hi Gemini..

So sorry you are going through this, how awful for you. As you might know my mom passed away a few months back and the last christmas she had was in hospital which tears me up inside. This will be my first christmas without her and it will be so hard. You do feel like you're not doing enough but in reality you physically can't take this away from her even though you wish you could. Cancer takes away so much it's true. I really don't know what to say other than treasure every moment you have with her right now. Spend time with her as much as you possibly can, make memories while you can. Tell her you love her and make her laugh. 

Sometimes it's easier to speak to a stranger about how you feel than a family member. Maybe contacting a grief counciler would help? I'm sure the medical staff at the hospital could suggest something.

You are all in my thoughts...

God Bless xo

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

20 Nov 2016 21:13 in response to woodworm

Thanks so much Brian . 

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

20 Nov 2016 21:15 in response to Antoni

Thanks Antoni hope you ok take care .

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

20 Nov 2016 22:00 in response to Gemini39

Hello Gemini

Please take some comfort knowing that you are not alone and your fears are shared by others.

I wish I could turn back the clock.

My mum was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer in July, words cannot explain sadness and anxiety my sister and I felt. I live overseas and the guilt I feel not being available 24 X 7 has almost sent me over the edge. I am so lucky to have been able to come home and be here for 5 weeks of chemo radiotherapy. She's had pneumonia and neutropenic sepsis, we almost lost her twice. She's very ill and having terrible mood swings which are so difficult and sad, as we so want to make her happy, and sometimes I feel while I am here staying, caring and transporting into hospital that each day that I am irritating and frustrating her. I cannot begin to imagine what she must be going thru emotionally and physically but this awful disease has sucked the life out of her and it is heartbreaking to watch helplessly. 

My friends and sister have been such a support and help and try to keep in touch with others and normal routine, daily events or get out and get some exercise to take your mind of everything for an hour or two its an enormous help. Even if it's just for a nice walk, do it!!

Like you we love our mum dearly and cannot imagine life without her.

Concentrate on time with your mum and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. It's so hard.

Take care

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

20 Nov 2016 22:14 in response to mn26

Thanks mn26 it's so hard I'm lucky in way because we don't live far from each other from my parents and my two sister . we are trying to carry on as normal as possible that the hardest part for me . Then it hits me that makes it worst its little things like is this going to be the last Christmas we going share with my mother what the new year will be like . I just can't stop thinking thanks again it means a lot .  

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

20 Nov 2016 23:12 in response to Gemini39

Hello, ive been really moved by your words which have struck a chord with me. Im so sorry that you and your family are going through this.   My mum was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer to her brain in august. We have a scan coming up next week and results the week after. Like you I love my mum so very much and cannot bear to think of my life without her here.  Shes being so brave but I hate to think of her frightened.  As you say its special times like christmas when you start to think, this is prob our last one together, hard not to let your thoughts be consumed.   Like you, we are trying to keep everything as normal and stay positive.  I had a rubbish few days last week, felt overwhelmed and agitatd but better now.  Im sending you a huge hug and hope that you and your mum and family are surrounded by love and strength. take very good care xxxx 

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

21 Nov 2016 07:52 in response to gaynor

Thank you so much for you kind words it means a lot I also been struggling the last few days . this time last year we was all happy I was pregnant had my baby Jan/6/16 . Look where we are now July this year my mother had scan turned out there was mass . They said it was on ovary then it turned out to be on bowel. Then they said it was inoperable can't do nothing . My mother was first told she had bowel cancer two years ago. It's a lot to take in . It's so sad hearing how many have lost loved ones on here through cancer. Sad take care thanks again x

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

21 Nov 2016 19:06 in response to Gemini39

I know, hearing all these stories makes you realise what a wicked disease cancer is.....but i guess you alo see the courage and kindness in others too.   it can be so hard  It is exhausting and relentless at times,  and there have been times where ive just felt overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness take care of yourself and get lots of lovely baby cuddles from your little boy xxx

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

22 Nov 2016 11:26 in response to gaynor

Hi gaynor I totally agree what you say . I hope everything ok with you thanks again take care sending you big hugs to you all .x 

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

29 Nov 2016 13:10 in response to Gemini39

Hello,

I am so sorry for all you are going through... I relate so much as I had hoped to have at least one Xmas with my husband and baby... 

It is hard to lose a mom... What else than constantly remind her she is the best mom ever and that you Will always love her...

The best gift you can give her: Try to be brave for her. Tell her not to fear what is to come so that she can go in peace...

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

29 Nov 2016 22:50 in response to Umemboshi

Thanks just come from my mother she ok it so sad my head all over place because we was talking and she told me she can't believe it's happen she also said then it hits here that it is she said she more worried about us all than her self . It did upset me I hate seening my mother go through this it's such cruel disease . Little things what she say it's so upsetting I just don't want to loss here it's so hard Sad take care x 

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

1 Dec 2016 10:23 in response to Gemini39

From what I hear you have a wonderful mom.

She is right you know, to be more worried about you - all of  you.  I think my mother said the same thing before she died...there are wonderful moms...

You might want to Record her voice while she reads a few fary tales for your children - for later, for when then Will be older- to have a direct communication from her. To know her voice, the way she read stories.

It doesn't have to be just the story, she can  add her own words, wishes, such as: " that was all for  tonight, love you... ".

Or she could even Tell about her childhood, her own mom...

We did that with my husband for our baby, so she wIll know his voice...

:( Wish I Had Magic Wand ):

1 Dec 2016 14:33 in response to Umemboshi

my mother always been there for us she always help you and other people I give example my mother use to work as home help one year we had snow and was really deep and bad out everyone else phoned in to say they wasn't coming in to work due to weather . My mother was only one walked to work because didn't want to leave them down home help is looking after the elderly give them they food  and clean for them etc. My mother always put others first she still doing now . That what hurts She just so wonderful . I only got 1 baby boy me and my partner been together 15 years I always thought I couldn't have any because I got endometriosis I still need ivf because of my age  I'm 39 and my partner 52 . I will do that what you said about recording my mothers voice that all my mother do say to me don't leave the baby forget me like I would I will make sure of that thanks for you tips x