This isn't a question its something I do I write my feelings down as it helps me cope. I hope you don't mind me putting it here. I hope it helps others like myself x
20 years ago I nursed my mother with liver and pancreatic cancer. One of the worse times of my life in my 20s with 4 young children. My mother was 53 when she died and never wanted to go through it again. Watching somone you love dying of this cruel cancer!
20 years later I'm now nursing my husband of the same sort of cancer but a rare form.
He was diagnosed 3 weeks ago I broke thought not again not the same way please no.
But yes I'm sitting here at 4am watching my husband sleep as the pain is so bad his morphine is going up daily.
I just baked a cake not because I needed to but to keep busy, keep the house normal.
3 months ago we moved to our new home not even had chance to put a stamp on it.
We had to break the news to my disabled son who is 11 that was so hard but he took it and every morning he asks is daddy dying and we reply not today but know in a few weeks time it will be a yes he is my darling boy.
When your going through this everyone comes out to try and help and I except a lot but sometimes want to scream leave us alone. I want to shut the door lock it and just be us.
This week I called my husbands pensions to cash them in
That was so hard having to keep saying my husband is dying and need the money to pay for his funeral.
It should be for our retirement not this.
We joke and laugh as much as we can as that's a the way we cope like saying if I get angry when he is gone his ashes are going in the shed lol.
Life is so cruel and you never think it's going to happen but it does and time is running out for my husband. Knowing he won't be here for Christmas for our son.
Won't walk his daughter down when she gets married it's all these things you feel cheated with.
So I will sit and watch my husband sleep in peace and joke with him when awake bath him so he feels clean.
Never feel you let your loved ones down as you don't.
Ask questions talk to them be honest with them as it maybe what they want too but too frightened to talk to you.
My heart breaks for you all but remember memories carry on in your heart and in our children of our loved ones. ❤️