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Why do I feel like my mother never existed?

15 Jul 2017 22:53

Hey there...

I lost my mom to non-hodgkins lymphoma cancer just over a year ago. This may sound awful but it's almost like my mother never existed. I am having trouble remembering how she was, things we did, good memories etc... somedays I go through the whole day and don't think of her at all. This I feel ashamed about but cannot deny it, this is very surprising to me as I loved my mother very much and we were very close. It's almost like my mind has created a wall to her passing because it's in self protection mode. This is very frustrating for me as I want to remember how she was and want to never forget her.

Has this happened to anyone else? what did you do about it? Is it normal?

God Bless

Antoni x

Re: Why do I feel like my mother never existed?

17 Jul 2017 02:09 in response to Antoni


Hello Antoni,

My sincere sympathy on the loss of your Mom. I think that what you are describing is a coming to terms with your grief. We all develop different coping strategies and putting up the wall as you describe is one way of coping.

I don't think that there is the remotest possibility that you will forget her altogether. You will just compartmentalise her, for your own sanity. We cannot let our grief eat away at us until we are quivering wrecks.I am sure that your Mom wouldn't want this either. She would want you to do your best in life to make her proud of all your achievements.

I lost my mother to cancer in 1997 and I still miss her every day. It took me several years to accept that she was no longer with us, but I have now come to accept it and am able to cope with my loss.

This has allowed me to move forward with my life and to instill in my children the values that she instilled in me.

Do not beat yourself up about the way you feel. It is  often difficult to recall happier times when you have in your mind a clearer picture of how your Mom was at the end. You will gradually find that the better memories start to come to the fore when the end stage ones begin to disappear.

A year is not a long time to get over a bereavement. Just go with the flow at present and don't try to fight it. It will all turn out good in the end.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Re: Why do I feel like my mother never existed?

26 Jul 2017 22:30 in response to Antoni

I'm so glad I've read this, I lost my mum last year on 30th June, I honestly can't remember much about her at all which breaks my heart because we were so ridiculously close. It's such a weird feeling isn't it?! I try so hard to go over in my head what her mannerisms were like and what she sounded like and I just can't imagine it anymore which is so bizarre! I thought it was just my way of dealing with things as I tend to just stick things at the back of my mind. 

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that you're as ok as you can be x 

Re: Why do I feel like my mother never existed?

26 Jul 2017 23:15 in response to Sarah180796

Hi Sarah,

First I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad (maybe the wrong word) that I am not the only one that feels the same way as I was and am feeling guilty over it. It is a very weird feeling indeed and just so hard to understand. Like you I was very close to my mother, she was my best friend and we made a lifetime of memories yet I just can't picture them when I try to remember. It's like my mind has put her in a little box and has hidden it in order to try and shield me from the pain of losing her. I am hoping, and hope the same for you as well, that in time we will remember all the memories we made with our moms.

If you ever want to talk then please feel free to friend me and send messages.. i also hope you are as good as you can be x

God Bless

Antoni x

Re: Why do I feel like my mother never existed?

27 Jul 2017 17:00 in response to Antoni

Hi Antoni, 

Thank you, i've just added you as a friend Happy 

Yes its very bizare, I think about mum constantly throughout the day but I can only remember what she was like just before she died but not when she was her usual self. Sometimes I say something and someone will tell me that I sounded just like mum then and I stand there trying so hard to remember her doing that and I cant!
Do you have pictures/videos of your mum? Mum hated pictures so we only have a few pictures and no videos which I regret so much! x