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whether to go to the wake or not advice

15 Aug 2019 10:26

my mum died on sunday and she didnt want a wake but my dad has decided to have a wake anyway and im not sure whether to go or not because it wasnt what my mum wanted but a family member thinks i should go and im worried i will look bad if i dont go and i dont know what to do does anyone have any advise


whether to go to the wake or not advice

15 Aug 2019 14:23 in response to cutebabe87

I would say go the way your heart tells you. If you can't decide, perhaps attend for long enough to speak to your family members and your mum's close friends and then leave. You've then shown your face (for your dad's sake) but shown that you don't wish to stay to the end (in your mum's memory). xx

whether to go to the wake or not advice

15 Aug 2019 19:20 in response to cutebabe87

Hello sweetie - this is an awful dilemma for you & I understand why you don't know what to do. These sorts of decisions really come down to personal choices & I think AngieT who has replied to you has a reasonable solution. My own view is that I think I might well go. Not because I would be worried that I looked bad but because these sad situations can easily cause family disagreements that can get out of hand & go on for a long time. I'm sure this isn't what you'd want. Your dad clearly feels he needs the wake - perhaps it will make the loss of his wife easier for him? I would guess that your mum would understand if you went for your dad's sake & to keep the peace?

At the end of the day you must do what you feel instincively is the right thing for you. Do hope this helps a little bit. Do be kind to yourself about this & try not to worry too much.

whether to go to the wake or not advice

15 Aug 2019 22:48 in response to cutebabe87

Do whatever feels best for you. We all react differently in these circumstances and it would be a shame to fall out with your Dad over this.

He may well feel it would be disrespectful not to give your Mum's family and friends the opportunity to get together after the funeral to remember her and to support each other and you. These events are really for the living and not for the dead.

Maybe just show your face and see how it goes, like AngieT says. 

Good luck and I hope you get through the day OK. 


whether to go to the wake or not advice

16 Aug 2019 00:06 in response to cutebabe87

Hi you could just go show your face your dad will be realy hurting inside and as a dad i know i i would be realy hurt . Its not for your mums benifit its for him hes trying to celibrate your mums life and show the love he had for her so i would cut him some slack you know we do or dont do things and hurt our loved ones and after its over you cant take it back or put it right maybe go show your face drink a toast to your mum and leave its not like your commiting a sin but you could cause damage bettween you and your dad and you only ever have one dad stick together like glue you both need onenother for support itle make your grief eisier why make it harder for you both at a time like this and you may find it ok  best wish and so sorry your in such a quandry at a time like this . Paul

whether to go to the wake or not advice

16 Aug 2019 07:07 in response to Paulus

hi thank you to everyone for replying

he wasnt going to have a wake until someone suggested it 

theres a close family friend of my mums who is flat out refusing to go for even one drink because my mum didnt want a wake and ive asked my dad what i should do and he said while hed like me to go to the wake that im to come back to the house with the close family friend of my mums lime she wanted but i still dont know what to do


whether to go to the wake or not advice

16 Aug 2019 08:48 in response to cutebabe87

Did your mum not want a wake because she didn't want people being sad for her or was she just a lady who didn't like any fuss being made? If it's the first reason, perhaps make it plain to everyone that your mum didn't want sadness so everyone at the wake is to have a drink, a laugh and share stories or photos of your mum that are uplifting and positive (we did this for a cousin's funeral). If it's the second reason, ask your dad to make it a very low key affair - just a small group of family and friends meeting after the funeral to drink to your mum - no bells and whistles - and let everyone know a finish time so no one lingers drinking and sharing morbid stories.

It's sad that you mum's wishes aren't being listened to (especially by someone putting the idea into your dad's head) but compromise is probably the best solution here. Your dad is grieving too and it seems he may be going along with other people's suggestions when he is at his lowest ebb. Your mum's close friend, whilst admirably standing up for your mum's wishes, needs to also consider the feelings of the rest of the family. If you can get your dad to put some stipulations in place I hope youir mum's friend may reconsider her stance. xx

whether to go to the wake or not advice

16 Aug 2019 09:28 in response to Paulus

i havent made any decision yet and my mum didnt want a wake because she didnt like the thought of a lot of people going just for food and the alcohol she didnt agree with that

she wanted something small at the house with close family and friends which is what we were going to do until someone put the idea of something bigger in my dads head

my dad is the one telling me to come back to the house after like she wanted me to

of course i care about my dads feelings im trying to put everyone elses feelings and what they want before my own

whether to go to the wake or not advice

16 Aug 2019 09:59 in response to cutebabe87

Ime sorry i sound hard i dont meann to but as life goes on things that get to us realy seem pointless ive lost all my my family plus my wife so i know the trouble this will bring who cares what a family friend thinks its amazing how they disapear yes your right there will be some come for the food but a lot will not.i went to a friends funeral a few years ago i had known him since i was a kid 60 years we had lost touch a bit thats tife we move away but i always knew how he was from others it was a suprise death went to the church and after the family just cleard off and that was it i never got chance to chat to his sons and tell em what a great dad he was i wasnt botherd about a sandwich and dont drink thats what a wake is at the moment your realy raw hurting i understand how you feel its awfull but sounds like the family friend is manipulating you a bit .your dads lost everything hes just doing this to keep himself going to keep his love for your mum we dont think logicaly when we lose a loved one we get angry sad everything in fact the family friend obviously isnt your dads friend . Think about you go to wake people will chat to you tell you things about your mum you will like to hear .i doupt the family friend will be one after . You go grit your teeth a bit chat to everyone you want to your dad will probably feel better .or you dont go and you know what damage it will cause it realy isnt worth it .put your dad first .ime so sorry that your in this position but try and think what the effect will be if you dont go and the effect if you  a do go bit of teeth gritting at the time or resentmen and upset after 

whether to go to the wake or not advice

18 Aug 2019 10:43 in response to AngieT

well ive decided to go to the wake for my dads sake even though i dont want to and now the family friend who was one of my mums closest friends has stopped talking to me 


whether to go to the wake or not advice

18 Aug 2019 12:36 in response to cutebabe87

Hi i know you will find it hard or you may not just ho with an open mind you never know .like my chum who died i was a welth of information about there dad and what we got up to in our lifes adventures he was a great guy and ime sure his lads would have loved to hear but they missed out you see we see our mums and dad as mum and dad we never realy get to know them a people . Your muns friend will come round if she dosnt well thats there loss and cross to bear . Well done thoe i bet your dads realy proud of you i would be and ive been  in that position the friends and siblings that didnt dupport me are no longer friends hope it all goes well for you .paul ps please come on and let us all know how you got on and how your feeling dont worry about not being able to blub you not alone on that but if you feel it coming dont stop its our safty valve your in shock mode still lots have wonderd why the cant cry have asked that question we all grieve diffrently whatever you are doing is right for you thats tust how it works perhaps a little note to your mums friend explaing you are doing it to support your da and hope she will come and how you would appreciate her support even thoe she dosnt want to gives her a chance to come and save face then shes coming for you bet she comes