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Too busy mourning.

28 Dec 2012 14:35

Hi everyone,

Although I have spent much of the Christmas holiday at work many of the people where I work have come back today and I was speaking to one of the girls in the sales office this morning.  We were discussing our youth and how things were when we were growing up compared to many children today.  We both took trips down memory lane and we agreed how lucky we were to grow up in the places and envoironment that we did.

I spent my childhood growing up in a small seaside town in North Wales, with endless beaches and playing fields and various places to have adventures with friends usually on our bikes or driving the go-kart my Dad built for me.  While talking about this I remembered a time when I was late home and, while Dad was still in the garage working on something I snuck up the drive with my go-kart and quietly put it back under the big plastic sheet where it lived and then tip-toed into the house.  Of course he still knew I had come home late but he didn't shout at me.  He never shouted at me because he was the type of Dad who commanded respect without needing to raise his voice. If I was ever naughty all my Mum had to say was, "we will see what your Father has to say" and that was enough to put me right.  I also remembered being given a polished wooden boomerang as a gift from visiting Australian relations who, for some reason thought that would be an ideal present for a child.  We all went onto the lawn and I threw it as hard as I could and waited for it to come back to me, unfortunately Dad's leg was in the way and he got a lovely bruise on his shin.

I have realized after that conversation this morning that, I have been so busy mourning my Dad and wishing he was still here because I miss him so much that I have not been remembering what a wonderful Father he actually was.  It would be wrong to not be sad but It is also important to be happy about the time I did spend with him and remembering times that will now make me smile rather than make me feel like crying.

Sorry to ramble I just felt like sharing.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVRYBODY!!!!

Garf.

Re: Too busy mourning.

28 Dec 2012 16:10 in response to GARF

Hi Garf,

I think what you have just written about you father was very touching, and also very true. The same applies with my mother. I never had a good relationship with my step father, in fact he never spoke to me during my childhood, so I formed an even closer bond with my mother. I was to a degree just like you when my mother died, so wrapped up in my grief. Now almost seven years later have I fully appreciated just what a wonderful mother she was. it was never an easy situation between my stepfather and me and she suffered because of it. For when she stuck up for me, they used to argue and then he would sulk just like a young child for a week and not even talk to her, which is why I used to spend a lot of time at my grandparents place.  So thank you for writing this, Garf.

Please take care, kind regards, Brian

Re: Too busy mourning.

28 Dec 2012 17:01 in response to GARF

Garf,

Just thought I'd write to say that I also get on best when I have happy memories of my time with Dad.  I try to focus on keeping up his fight with cancer (I was reading a poster while Mum, Granny and me were in Banff today for Cancer Research's 'Dryathlon' - a sponsored no drinking (of alcohol) in January, this would be no use to me as I don't really drink a lot, but I am very tempted to volunteer my partner for this cause, as his is rather too partial to a Gin and lemonade of an evening.  He lost his Dad to cancer when he was 28, as did I in June, at 36.  I fear he may not thank me for this thought! Wish me luck with that one!)  I also try to carry on doing the things I did with Dad as I feel that in this way he is still with me, and I am honouring his memory and using the lessons he taught me about how best to enjoy life.  Its not easy, and it took me a long time to start to feel more positively, but I find this really has helped me.  (Mind you, so have the happy pills I got from my Doctor in November if I am to be totally honest! Hey ho! They have given me a bit of a break from the rawness of it all, and I think I needed it - I am not ashamed of it)

I absolutely hate New Year i'm afraid - Dad spent it in intensive care in 2010, and I have a bit of an aversion to it since then but I will just say that I hope 2013 is a great year for improvements in cancer care - prevention, treatments and cure.  It cannot come too soon.

All the best to you, Katielouie

 

Re: Too busy mourning.

29 Dec 2012 10:36 in response to woodworm

Thank you Brian,

I understand what you say about not having a good relationship with your step Father as, at least for a time after Dad re-married I had a difficult relationship with my step Mother.  Fortunately that changed and we get on very well now.  I am waiting for her to get in touch after she gets back from spending Christmas with my step Brother in Dubai.

Can I ask if your relationship ever improved with your step Father after losing your Mother?

Garf.

Re: Too busy mourning.

29 Dec 2012 10:51 in response to katielouie

Hi katielouie,

I would love to know how your partner reacts to the suggestion of doing a "dry-athlon" in January.  I only have a drink at home on a Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon while watching motor racing and I would also not be too keen on giving that up for a month, although it wouldn't hurt my waist line any.

I am glad that you continue to do things that you used to do with your Dad and that it still makes you happy to keep his memory alive rather than make you sad. Again I am lucky in that I am so like my Dad that I very often say or do something and it sounds so like him that it makes me feel like he is still with me.  I understand you hate new year and I too am not really looking forward to this one but to copy you and do something that Dad used to do I will, at midnight carry a piece of coal out of the back door and bring it back in the front door to bring in the new year. That is if I can find a piece of coal anywhere.

Take care and I join you in hoping next year is an excellent one for cancer care and finding a cure.

Take care of yourself,

Garf.

Re: Too busy mourning.

29 Dec 2012 11:22 in response to GARF

Hi Garf,

In answer to your question Garf, no as he died several years before my mother passed away. But in the last few months before he died, he did try and talk to me on the odd occasion when we found ourselves on our own, although it was not what you could ever call an easy conversation. I just have a feeling that somehow he knew he hadn't got that long left and was making an effort to repair the rift between us. I tried my best to respond if only for my mothers sake but for me the damage had been done although I am normally a very forgiving person, too much water had passed under the bridge for me to ever forgive him completely. Even his own family didn't get on with him, but he did love my mother, although at times he had a funny way of showing it.

So when after his death, my wife pushed me into finding my birth father, although at first a bit reluctant, I was over the moon when the Salvation Army contacted us to say that had found him and that he wanted to make contact with me. When we went out there for a months holiday about twenty years ago, everyone remarked how alike we are. Same mannerisms and habits. I joked with him saying it was good, for I now knew who I could blame for all my bad habits and faults. Bad hand writing being one of them. By the way Garf, I found out yesterday, he was taken back into hospital on the 23rd and has spent all Christmas in hospital. They still have no idea what's wrong with him, except it has something to do with his pancreas. Anyway, I have rambled on enough for today but thanks for your question.

Please take care and I wish you a very happy new year, kind regards Brian

Re: Too busy mourning.

29 Dec 2012 14:27 in response to GARF

Hey Garf,

I'm glad that you are sharing your feelings and thoughts, i've been noticed that you are much more open about you, and I guess that it's wonderfull and it could be a great step to your grief

Tks for sharing!!!

Love, Sofia

Re: Too busy mourning.

31 Dec 2012 17:21 in response to GARF

Hello Garf,

I'm afraid the answer I got from my other half when I suggested he take part in January's Dryathlon was the one I expected from him rather that the one I hoped for - he is currently drinking gin while watching 'The Grinch'.  Getting my other half to drink less is one of my challenges for 2013, it should be quite a challenge, but I am convinced there are far healthier ways to deal with stress!  He did say he liked the idea of doing some event with me though in memory of both our Dads, so that was a start.  

Did you ever find that piece of coal to welcome in the new year?

I will leave you with the childhood song your boomerang story reminded me of - imagine having happy memories of whacking your Dad in the shin, you are terrible you are!  I seem to have spent the last few months locked away deep in my childhood, where memories of Dad are at their happiest. This one went 'My boomerang wont come back, my boomerang wont come back, I've waved the thing all over the place, practiced till I was blue in the face, I'm a big disgrace to the Aborigine race, my boomerang wont come back'.  All this and I am drinking tea and not gin!

Best wishes for 2013, Kathryn.

Re: Too busy mourning.

1 Jan 2013 19:54 in response to katielouie

Hi Kathryn, (you are the only person I know with same spelling of KATHRYN as my eldest niece)

Strangely I am not surpised at the response you got to staying dry for a month and you are right, there are better ways to deal with stress.  I am trying to arrange something through work myself to raise money for cancer research but I want to try something different than just a sponsored walk, don't know what yet though.  It's strange how that memory of hitting Dad's shin with a boomerang came to my mind but I just seemed to be flooded with memories after talking to our sales manager that morning.  I have remembered other less eye watering memories like Dad sitting me on the kitchen floor and teaching me how to tie my shoe laces.  Also the song lyrics you wrote are well known to me as I once owned an album of funny songs and "My Boomerang won't come back" was one of them, I might be wrong but I think it was by Terry Scott?

Good luck with the fund raising and especially getting your partner to ease off the Gin.

Take care,

Garf.