Sylvia

Thanks debbie ,its nice to know people care iwas married nearly 46 years  even though i do things during the day  your still coming home to a empty house i dont think i will ever get used to it  kind regards Sylvia x

Hi Sylvia

Am sorry for your loss and like Debbie has already said there are many of us here who understand your feelings just now.  I am further down the widowhood journey (lost hubby 16mths ago today) and certainly remember the total devastation that loss brings even when surrounded by family/friends.  You are right in that life will never be the same and for now your feelings of greif are very raw.  Be kind to yourself and come and post as and when you would like to.  Jules

Hi Syl, not been good for a few weeks now don't know whether its a stage or the nice weather but been very down, had my mum round today and got stuck into the garden, I just can't face going out with family or friends. Hope it passes soon.  Glad you have been out and about.   Take care thinking of you.  Debbie  xxxx

Hi Syl no I don't have children I do have good friends and family and my little neice is a joy. Debbie xxxx 

Hi Debbie hope your feeling better to day its lovely to have close friends and a lovely neice your close to i dont have granchildren my sister has a grandaughter but i hardly see her. Regards syl x

Thanks Syl, just returned from having my first cuddle. Darcey Megan was born at 1.40 today weighing 8lb 5oz and all the family are doing well.  My first grand-daughter and she is beautiful but then I am biased!!

Hope you have had a relaxing and peaceful day.  Take care. Jules x

Hi Anne  sorry  i havnt replied sooner, its been 14 wk now  since ym husband died some times it feels like yesterday some days it seems  a  life time ago ,i  to have photos of my husband all over the house i speak to him all the time  and kiss his photo before i go to bed .hope your feeling ok Sylvia  x

Thanks Syl,

Have had a couple of visits to the new family but now hoping they will have a little more peace to adjust to this new life.  I think Darcey's maternal great grandmother is travelling from Somerset to visit today as well as a new aunt and uncle so they will stagger the visiting so that new Mum and baby still get some rest.

Hope you had a good visit to the market with your friend.  I did find it helped to stay busy in the early months and chatting with friends and family even about everyday things gave some purpose to day to day activities. I don't think my house had ever seen so much housework done and then redone to fill some of the long hours (often quiet chores when sleep was evasive!)

It is 17 months today since my hubby died but does not always feel that length of time has passed. Looking back (not something I do too much) I know I am in a more accepting place these days but still miss him and the emotional rollercoaster continues, none more so than with the arrival of Darcey.  Hubby would have been over the moon just as he was with our two grandsons but I know our son will tell her all about him as she grows up.  For now we are all very happy to see a new life in the family who will, I know , be much loved.

Wishing you a peaceful and relaxing weekend.Take care  Jules x

Hi Syl,

Glad to hear there is another garden centre lover posting.  I have one about 2miles away which I walk to most free weekends and though I do not buy every time, I do find some peace in wandering amongst the flowers and during the first year of hubby's passing found it quite good therapy to be in the garden (sitting still for too long led to too much in depth thinking!!).  It has the added bonus of a good little cafe for a pick me up cup of tea/coffee and good supplies of wild bird food (I have a few feeding stations and love to watch the birds or take a few photos).

Always good to let the emotion out I think, as bottling it up just makes things worse.  Had a good few tears when Darcey was born both with the happiness she brings and the sadness that her paternal grandad will not have the pleasure of meeting her.  He had better be watching over them all.

This morning I had a manicure and then did my half hour gym circuit before heading off to town to food shop.  Have been back a little while now and been sitting for too long so am off for a late afternoon walk which should help my practise for upcoming 5K charity event.

Take care, Jules x

Hi Syl

Glad you found some plants at the garden centre and you will benefit from seeing them in your own garden. I spent a lot of time in the garden during the first  six/nine months after I lost hubby as found it good therapy to be concentrating on something I enjoyed (and was always more my space as my husband travelled away for his job). Being an only child, and having few relatives on my side of the family (hubby's siblings moved to the Isle of Man three weeks before he died so do not see them much) I suppose I was used to spending time on my own but did and still do miss hubby (and probably always will).  Am lucky that at the moment the children are fairly close and with the arrival of baby Darcey we are in touch regularly via technology!! but I want them to enjoy their own lives, as we did ours during the years we were together.  Time, and life, is so precious and I have learnt the hard way that I need to make the most of my time, however the future turns out.  I still take one day at a time and no longer expect too much of myself so if I have an emotional day or days sobeit. 

I hope you will, in time, find things a little easier and I know our men would be proud of us, though to be honest think mine would  be laughing at the fact that I chose to have a new kitchen 'at my age' and when I am not a particularly good cook!!!  Still the house was a bit dated and in need of some TLC so another project which gave me focus.

Take care and be kind to yourself.  Jules x

Hi Syl

My family do not think there is much wrong with my cooking it is just that I do not enjoy it much and never have (take after my Mum!!).  Far happier laying out a buffet and taking the lazy route.  Still the for charity coffee morning I did rustle up a couple of cakes which passed muster and I make rock cakes for my son aat the weekend which he liked.  Perhaps the electric cooker is going to be my new friend!

My emotions can still catch me out and I think we just have to accept that this is a natural part of mourning the loss of our loved ones.  Still hard though when you think about things for too long.  I have got into the habit of keeping a few jobs back so that when a 'moment' hits me I allow the tears to come and go and then focus on the job in hand. Needless to say  have a pile of ironing awaiting the next melt down.  My housework always comes out better if I have an emotional outburst - not doubt a bit of anger thrown in as I clean.

  I have no doubt that next weekend will be hard for my children as Father's Day arrives again even though they will be helping their own families celebrate. It is over 8 years since my own Dad passed away with prostate/lung cancer but that does not stop me feeling sad about it.

Right had best start thinking about dinner and get the bits and bobs I need out of the fridge ready for the oven - stuffed mushrooms tonight.

Be kind to yoruself and take care.  Jules x

Hi Syl

I know there will be mixed emotions when you and the family carry out your husband's wishes at the River Severn this Sunday but think it is a beautiful choice he made.  A couple of coincidences in what you write as my hubby loved to fish (sea and river/lake) and was also a lover of Whiskey.  I have never been a fan of either but do keep a bottle of his favourite tipple in my new kitchen (small comfort to me) and share it with his best buddy when he and his wife visit. Good memories of times spent together.  Hope the sun shines for you too. Take care  Jules x

Hi Debbie how are you, not heard off you for a while hope your ok ,me and the kids went to the river Seven at the week end  and scattered my hubbies ashes on the river it was what he wanted.  I havnt been to bad this last couple of days ,i hope  he was watching  with asmile on his face as we fullfilled his wish ,i hope so. Take Care  Syl x

Hi Syl

So pleased all went well on Sunday and I think your husband would be very proud that you and the family were able to carry out his wishes. Good that the weather played ball too. The occasion sounded so peaceful and despite the emotions that it no doubt brought with it I am pleased you could celebrate his memory this way. Take care Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Congrats to you too on your Race for Life and your little Darcy too.  Jules, did you feel guilty in your first year when you had better days? 

Debbie xxxxx

Thanks Jules,

I still feel incredibly sad, but not crying all the time, I can't bring myself to change anything in the house (it could do with decorating), socialise or look at photos, that is still too hard.  I keep saying to myself 'I will do it next year'.  I have tried counselling but don't really like it.

Love to you xxxxx

Hi Jules,

I do have photos of him/us around the house which I have no problem looking at, sometimes people want to look at other photos, they are the ones I can't bring myself to look at - don't know why even thinking about it makes me teary - strange

Take care

Debbie xxxx

Hi debbie, glad your ok at the moment  yes it was a nice day when we scattered his ashes, it was his wish to have them  scattered on the seven where he used to fish. Glad you finished the race for life must have made you proud to finish in a good time ,im sure in time  you will make  the right choice where to put  Sams ashes  it was easy for me as i knew what he wanted. Take care Syl x

hi lost my hubby last week, its so raw , so hard ,today sunday been the worst so far as ive done all the admin stuff and now nothing to do, so much time on my hands , we had sucha  routine sundays and you dont realise till its no more

I know hes ok , have had so many signs and I have tremendous gift and knew he would communicate , so thats all ok, it had to end and we had extra time and he was at home and im sooo grateful, but now its what to do for me .......thats the hard part now, im lost ...not back to work for another two weeks as funeral not till 5th and i live on site , retirement scheme manager so its double hard here now, cos it wa s   always just us for 24 years , end of an era , have heard all the cliches but nothing helps, and next year im facing redundancy and moving , company changing , so thats good in abig way as i cant stand it here now without him, have been diving in and out all week, which is hard , dont want the questions ,some nice people but mostly insensitive people now,sadly out for what they can get , we both knew it had changed in the last couple of years but to be honest living on site was a god send during his last few weeks as i could be near ...now its a curse , roller coaster, he said do what you need to do here , get the redundancy pay and move , have good life ....

there doesnt seem to be any support out there for the first couple of weeks, which is when you need it , for direction and just to tell......to hear the sound of a voice who understands ....

I wish you all well, this journey is so hard but I agree talking to each other is good, xx

Hi Jules, just a quick e mail, hope your ok not been to good for a few days  seem to  cry  for no  reason, went to a memorial  service  at the crem  where we had my husbands service it was very moving and sad  hope i  feel better  soon  regards Syl x

Hi Syl,

Its perfectly natural that you will have these days though they do seem hard to cope with when they occur. Going to the memorial service at the crem would have completely reminded you of all that your husband you and the family have been through.  When they invited me to a memorial service for those who had passed I decided, along with my children, that this was not something we needed to do.  It was just a couple of weeks after I had been  back to the crematorium for the funeral of one of my hubby's buddies and I had not coped well at all - just was totally overwhelmed and felt as though I was starting the grieving process anew.  They are difficult times. 

Be kind to yourself, crying gives us some release from all those held in emotions (we do insist on trying to put on a brave face but it catches up with us from time to time).  Sending hugs.  Jules xx

Hi Debbie, its me again still feel  a bit  down maybe its the time of year , every one going away and  planning  things together .me and hubby didnt watch sport on TV , we watched tipping point and the chase it was funny shouting at the TV when they did things wrong its not the same on your own . take care Syl x

Hi Syl

Like you frustrated that we are not getting much of a summer so far and my lawn is resembling a mini meadow with clover, buttercups and daisies!!  Needless to say looks lovely but needs mowing.grrr.

I like quiz programmes too (including tipping point,the chase or sometimes pointless/eggheads on the other channel) and often pick up info which can come in useful when I tackle crosswords!

I feel no surprise that you are having down times (hindsight coming into play I suppose)as I think bereavement brings so many emotions, some of which we may never have felt so strongly before. We have a big gap where hubby used to be in our lives and I personally feel it is a very slow process to both accept that loss and 'map out' a coping mechanism.

It is eighteen months tomorrow since my hubby passed away and of course I still feel the sadness of his loss and the life we shared.  The only real difference now is that I find comfort in knowing his suffering (both physically but also his mental withdrawal from those around him) is at an end having lived with his terminal diagnosis for nearly 3 years.  My inner strength now is there because of the life we shared and knowing that he would want our family to carry on in his memory. It is important to me (as it would  have been to him) that our children and grandchildren enjoy the life we currently have. Feeling guilty that I can laugh and enjoy aspects of my life, despite my loss, takes some adjustment but time is helping. I cope by taking it one day at a time (sometimes still having to accept emotion is a part of the healing process - not easy for someone who got used to hiding it for my hubby's peace of mind)  and not to expect too much of myself (my GP also explained that I had probably been grieving for the man I lost during his illness and I suppose she is correct). Widowhood is not easy but with understanding and support of friends and family  the time comes when the coping becomes a more normal way forward. We carry those we have lost in our hearts and I like to think they would be proud of whatever we manage to do.

On a slightly humerous note my seven year old grandson still reckons I need to marry again, mainly to help with the washing up (like his Dad does with my daughter) but also to give me someone else to talk to.  I have gently told him I am OK as I am but think there will be more comments to come!

Just off now to do the weekly shop as the sun is out and would prefer to do it in the dry and then another first - going to the local high street fun day alone. Be kind to yourself. Jules xx

Hi Syl

I am not upset by your posts my dear as can understand them and your feelings. The forum is a good place to offload and have done so myself many a time I can assure you. Writing it down does not change anything but somehow sharing it makes you feel just a little less alone with your grief.  I bet you were putting on the brave face whilst out shopping and sometimes that effort just boils over once back in the privacy of your own home.

I just went to the gym and then for a walk this morning as it was nice to get the sun on my face for a change. Came home and mowed the lawn before my daughter and family popped in for a short while. Have been watching the tennis in between pottering and managed to get the washing up to date. Maybe I will save the ironing for tomorrow evening when I have nothing much planned.

Take care, Jules x