Sylvia1 May 2016 16:07
My husband died 9 wk ago my kids are very good but life isnt the same now i miss him so much i just wish he could come back and let me know he is ok
Together we will beat cancer
My husband died 9 wk ago my kids are very good but life isnt the same now i miss him so much i just wish he could come back and let me know he is ok
Syliva, I am so very sorry for your loss, I know how it feels, my husband passed away in October and I miss him so much, I too wish they could let us know they are ok. There are lots of people on here going through the same terrible time who will offer support. Sending love to you Debbie xxxxxx
Thanks debbie ,its nice to know people care iwas married nearly 46 years even though i do things during the day your still coming home to a empty house i dont think i will ever get used to it kind regards Sylvia x
Hi Sylvia. Very sorry about your loss. It is a terrible place to be. I lost my husband four months ago. I have terrible days when I don't want to be alive. I feel do sad. I haven't started to move his personal belongings and they are still where he left them. Don't know when I will be able to do that. You are right family even our children don't take away the pain. I have good friends who take me out and they visit often which helps but not take away the pain which is very real. I was told I was on a journey which I was annoyed at but on reflection it is. I have lots of photographs around me of my special person at different stages of his life. I have also started a book and write down all my special memories. I have a counsellor not bereavement but one who has supported me along my own cancer journey. She just listens to my rants and when I leave I usually feel better. Kindest regards and I will think of you and hope things improve. Anne
Am sorry for your loss and like Debbie has already said there are many of us here who understand your feelings just now. I am further down the widowhood journey (lost hubby 16mths ago today) and certainly remember the total devastation that loss brings even when surrounded by family/friends. You are right in that life will never be the same and for now your feelings of greif are very raw. Be kind to yourself and come and post as and when you would like to. Jules
Hi Debbie not heard off you in a while hope your ok ,been out with my son and daughter on different ocasions over the week end, it was lovely to get out and about for a while im well aware im alwaye coming home to a empty house. regards syl
Hi Syl, not been good for a few weeks now don't know whether its a stage or the nice weather but been very down, had my mum round today and got stuck into the garden, I just can't face going out with family or friends. Hope it passes soon. Glad you have been out and about. Take care thinking of you. Debbie xxxx
Sorry your feeling down its a awful feeling as if your never going to feel happy again, i watered my garden tonight my husband always did it ,its little things like that you realise how life has changed do you have kids Debbie? they can be a comfort when your feeling down . take care Syl x
Hi Syl no I don't have children I do have good friends and family and my little neice is a joy. Debbie xxxx
Hi Syl and Debbie
The early weeks and months after such a deep loss (for some years even) throw up many emotions and even the presence of family and friends can sometimes present their own problems. Our feelings are so personal and sometimes difficult to explain to others but the forum gave me a much needed outlet for the emotional rollercoaster I found myself on.
I am somewhat further along the journey as it is almost 17 months since I lost hubby though the emotions still come and go. Earlier today I had a message to say my son's fiancee was in labour (week overdue) with their first baby and I shed tears both in the happiness that is coming and the sadness that my hubby, who would have been so proud, is not here to share the moment in person. I am grabbing on to the thought that he is in all our hearts and that the new baby will have some of his genes as she goes on with life's journey.
Hope you both have a peaceful day. x
Hi Debbie hope your feeling better to day its lovely to have close friends and a lovely neice your close to i dont have granchildren my sister has a grandaughter but i hardly see her. Regards syl x
Hi Jules , hope every think goes well with the baby its something to look forward to, im sure your hubby is looking down with a smile on his face i can understand your mixed feelings sad and happy at the same timebut im sure the baby will fetch joy into your life .i wish i had granchildren its not to late yet but time is passing take care Syl x
Thanks Syl, just returned from having my first cuddle. Darcey Megan was born at 1.40 today weighing 8lb 5oz and all the family are doing well. My first grand-daughter and she is beautiful but then I am biased!!
Hope you have had a relaxing and peaceful day. Take care. Jules x
Hi Cris sorry i havnt replied up till now ,some days are ok and i have bad days i try to get out some days i also go out 2 nights a week ,the wk ends and nights seem to be the worst my kids include me in things but sometimes i feel like a spare part.regards Syl x
Hi Anne sorry i havnt replied sooner, its been 14 wk now since ym husband died some times it feels like yesterday some days it seems a life time ago ,i to have photos of my husband all over the house i speak to him all the time and kiss his photo before i go to bed .hope your feeling ok Sylvia x
How lovely glad every thing went well ,its a lovely name you will be kept busy now am going out with a friend later on only to a market we will have a coffee while were out it takes my mind off things for a while take care Syl x
Have had a couple of visits to the new family but now hoping they will have a little more peace to adjust to this new life. I think Darcey's maternal great grandmother is travelling from Somerset to visit today as well as a new aunt and uncle so they will stagger the visiting so that new Mum and baby still get some rest.
Hope you had a good visit to the market with your friend. I did find it helped to stay busy in the early months and chatting with friends and family even about everyday things gave some purpose to day to day activities. I don't think my house had ever seen so much housework done and then redone to fill some of the long hours (often quiet chores when sleep was evasive!)
It is 17 months today since my hubby died but does not always feel that length of time has passed. Looking back (not something I do too much) I know I am in a more accepting place these days but still miss him and the emotional rollercoaster continues, none more so than with the arrival of Darcey. Hubby would have been over the moon just as he was with our two grandsons but I know our son will tell her all about him as she grows up. For now we are all very happy to see a new life in the family who will, I know , be much loved.
Wishing you a peaceful and relaxing weekend.Take care Jules x
Hi Jules , on my own today had a cry this morning ,its good to keep busy it stops you thinking about things that could have been.people tell me not to think like that but i cant help it ,its hard to think a bout the future with out him as well so you cant win ,might take my self off to a garden centre later to get out for a bit take care x Sylvia
Glad to hear there is another garden centre lover posting. I have one about 2miles away which I walk to most free weekends and though I do not buy every time, I do find some peace in wandering amongst the flowers and during the first year of hubby's passing found it quite good therapy to be in the garden (sitting still for too long led to too much in depth thinking!!). It has the added bonus of a good little cafe for a pick me up cup of tea/coffee and good supplies of wild bird food (I have a few feeding stations and love to watch the birds or take a few photos).
Always good to let the emotion out I think, as bottling it up just makes things worse. Had a good few tears when Darcey was born both with the happiness she brings and the sadness that her paternal grandad will not have the pleasure of meeting her. He had better be watching over them all.
This morning I had a manicure and then did my half hour gym circuit before heading off to town to food shop. Have been back a little while now and been sitting for too long so am off for a late afternoon walk which should help my practise for upcoming 5K charity event.
Take care, Jules x
Hi jules , i enjoyed the garden centre bought a few plants and had a coffee ,been a bit down for a few days , get fed up with my own company sometimes . Life isnt as happy has it used to be and its quite lonely now .keep up the good work with your running you must be fit .i coudnt run for toffee regards Syl .
Glad you found some plants at the garden centre and you will benefit from seeing them in your own garden. I spent a lot of time in the garden during the first six/nine months after I lost hubby as found it good therapy to be concentrating on something I enjoyed (and was always more my space as my husband travelled away for his job). Being an only child, and having few relatives on my side of the family (hubby's siblings moved to the Isle of Man three weeks before he died so do not see them much) I suppose I was used to spending time on my own but did and still do miss hubby (and probably always will). Am lucky that at the moment the children are fairly close and with the arrival of baby Darcey we are in touch regularly via technology!! but I want them to enjoy their own lives, as we did ours during the years we were together. Time, and life, is so precious and I have learnt the hard way that I need to make the most of my time, however the future turns out. I still take one day at a time and no longer expect too much of myself so if I have an emotional day or days sobeit.
I hope you will, in time, find things a little easier and I know our men would be proud of us, though to be honest think mine would be laughing at the fact that I chose to have a new kitchen 'at my age' and when I am not a particularly good cook!!! Still the house was a bit dated and in need of some TLC so another project which gave me focus.
Take care and be kind to yourself. Jules x
Hi jules,glad your ok its nice to hear your doing well and getting on with things, think i have got a way to go yet i seem ok for a few days then feel sad and cry .i am also not a good cook, i was lucky my hubby would eat anything he wasnt a fussy eater good job really .lol take care Syl x
My family do not think there is much wrong with my cooking it is just that I do not enjoy it much and never have (take after my Mum!!). Far happier laying out a buffet and taking the lazy route. Still the for charity coffee morning I did rustle up a couple of cakes which passed muster and I make rock cakes for my son aat the weekend which he liked. Perhaps the electric cooker is going to be my new friend!
My emotions can still catch me out and I think we just have to accept that this is a natural part of mourning the loss of our loved ones. Still hard though when you think about things for too long. I have got into the habit of keeping a few jobs back so that when a 'moment' hits me I allow the tears to come and go and then focus on the job in hand. Needless to say have a pile of ironing awaiting the next melt down. My housework always comes out better if I have an emotional outburst - not doubt a bit of anger thrown in as I clean.
I have no doubt that next weekend will be hard for my children as Father's Day arrives again even though they will be helping their own families celebrate. It is over 8 years since my own Dad passed away with prostate/lung cancer but that does not stop me feeling sad about it.
Right had best start thinking about dinner and get the bits and bobs I need out of the fridge ready for the oven - stuffed mushrooms tonight.
Be kind to yoruself and take care. Jules x
HI JULES ,glad you ok i havnt been to bad this week me and the kids are going to the river seven on Sunday , my husband wanted his ashes thrown in there it was one of the rivers he loved to fish. im sure there will be a few tears as well as laughter as we remanice.his favourite tipple was whiskey we will have a tot and remember the good times we had over the years.take care Syl x
I know there will be mixed emotions when you and the family carry out your husband's wishes at the River Severn this Sunday but think it is a beautiful choice he made. A couple of coincidences in what you write as my hubby loved to fish (sea and river/lake) and was also a lover of Whiskey. I have never been a fan of either but do keep a bottle of his favourite tipple in my new kitchen (small comfort to me) and share it with his best buddy when he and his wife visit. Good memories of times spent together. Hope the sun shines for you too. Take care Jules x
Hi jules, went to the seven as planned everything went well even the weather was lovely, we all had a tot of whiskey, we even went for a walk along the pathway under the famous iron bridge , after our walk we went in one of the pubs for sunday lunch. Hope my hubby was happy with what we did ,it was one of his last wishes to have his ashes scattered on the seven. my hubby also liked canal / lake fishing, he wasnt keen on sea fishing , im sure he will be fishing and having a tot of whiskey where ever he his i hope so regards Syl x
Hi Debbie how are you, not heard off you for a while hope your ok ,me and the kids went to the river Seven at the week end and scattered my hubbies ashes on the river it was what he wanted. I havnt been to bad this last couple of days ,i hope he was watching with asmile on his face as we fullfilled his wish ,i hope so. Take Care Syl x
What a lovely place to scatter your husbands ashes, I am glad you are feeling better. I too am ok at the moment (strangely I feel guilty for feeling ok). I did the 5K Race for Life on Sunday, finished in 40 mins ( in my defence I have have not been to the Gym or been running for about a year). Have been managing to keep busy so that has helped. I have not picked up Sam's ashes yet, another thing I feel guilty about, I have been to pick them up twice so far but could not stop crying so they said to just leave them until I have decided what I want to do with them, I do want them buried but haven't decided on church or Cemetary yet, I am planning to go to see the Vicar at the church where his parents are buried to discuss it with him. It's all so hard isn't it. Take care Debbie xxxx
So pleased all went well on Sunday and I think your husband would be very proud that you and the family were able to carry out his wishes. Good that the weather played ball too. The occasion sounded so peaceful and despite the emotions that it no doubt brought with it I am pleased you could celebrate his memory this way. Take care Jules xx
Just wanted to say congratulations on completing the Race for Life and a good time too. I did the one at Watford on the 12th with my daughter and grandson (and a pregnant friend) and though walked it (my knees do not appreciate running or jogging) managed a time just over the hour.
I am sure when you make that final journey with Sam's ashes you will have reached the right decision for you. My hubby left no 'last wishes' about anything so he was scattered under a beautiful conifer in the peaceful surroundings (not far from the fish pond) at our local crematorium. It is a truly relaxing place to sit with my memories from time to time.
Take care Jules xx
Congrats to you too on your Race for Life and your little Darcy too. Jules, did you feel guilty in your first year when you had better days?
I certainly did Debbie and occasionally still do have those guilty moments. No matter what I told/tell myself about not having those feelings I think it is all part of the grieving process. I am sure we are not the only ones either!
I am still having moments when I question why it should be okay for me to enjoy an outing, a birthday, meal out (even when I am alone!!!) -heart ruling head or other way round. I am currently sitting in my newly finished 'ground floor' project and know none of it would have been possible without the money I got from my hubby's pension plan (he had not told me about!!). It certainly takes time to take those little steps forward but when I have those discussions in my head now, I think he would be happier knowing I can manage and it does not take away the wonderful memories or the sadness that his passing brought. It also taught me how precious my own life is so perhaps that has helped me adjust over time.
I am going for my six monthly chat with my GP later this week and hope she will see a slightly improved me!!
A friend of mine reminded me recently of how far I had come in the last 17 months but you do not always see it yourself.
Take care Jules x
I still feel incredibly sad, but not crying all the time, I can't bring myself to change anything in the house (it could do with decorating), socialise or look at photos, that is still too hard. I keep saying to myself 'I will do it next year'. I have tried counselling but don't really like it.
Love to you xxxxx
I think we all have our own timescales for doing things following the loss of a loved one. Like you I found myself 'thinking' of doing certain things once all the 'first anniversaries' had been emotionally managed. Strangely photos have never caused me upset possibly because family (past and present) had always been a part of the decor! Some of hubby's personal things were a more emotional challenge but I did this as I felt able to do so and set no specific time on it. The 'home' project was in my head long before I lost hubby but sadly could only afford to do it when I received his pension (never wanted it to happen this way but his legacy is now an investment in my and our children/grandchildrens' future security and I am pretty sure he would have approved though the colour scheme is very much mine!!).
The sadness of his loss will, I think, always be a part of my life but is no longer all consuming. I feel I am still healing emotionally but day to day life is more routine now. The forum has played a major role on getting me where I am today and is probably my biggest form of counselling if that makes sense. Take care and be kind to yourself. Jules xx
I do have photos of him/us around the house which I have no problem looking at, sometimes people want to look at other photos, they are the ones I can't bring myself to look at - don't know why even thinking about it makes me teary - strange
I think looking back at older photos just brings all our memories of those precious times flooding back and the ones we have out regularly we are used to seeing. When I had the work done I had to pack everything away and getting them back out and deciding which to keep out/store was quite emotional at the time. The albums that were on my shelves are now in boxes but my eldest grandson (7) loves looking at them so from time to time they will surface again but, of course, he spends time laughing at how we looked in those 'good old days' and when his Mum was a child herself. He has his own memory box for his grandad which is helping him when he feels sad and it sounds strange but it is less emotional talking with the grandchildren about my hubby than with my children - perhaps I am better at the brave face when chatting to them but I do enjoy their memories of him too. It can certainly be hard trying to understand my own feelings at times but am learning to roll with them now and accept there will still be up and down days - just like with normal life (whatever that is) nothing is ever perfect.
Take the time to be kind to yourself. Hugs from Jules
Hi debbie, glad your ok at the moment yes it was a nice day when we scattered his ashes, it was his wish to have them scattered on the seven where he used to fish. Glad you finished the race for life must have made you proud to finish in a good time ,im sure in time you will make the right choice where to put Sams ashes it was easy for me as i knew what he wanted. Take care Syl x
Hi Jules , yes the day went well it was nice to full fill his wish , dont feel to bad at the moment i talk to him all the time i have a lovely big photo of him in the bedroom which i kiss every time i go into the room, like Debbie there are some pictures of him i cant bring my self to look at yet they are the last ones we took of him i know i would cry if i saw them . take care Syl x
hi lost my hubby last week, its so raw , so hard ,today sunday been the worst so far as ive done all the admin stuff and now nothing to do, so much time on my hands , we had sucha routine sundays and you dont realise till its no more
I know hes ok , have had so many signs and I have tremendous gift and knew he would communicate , so thats all ok, it had to end and we had extra time and he was at home and im sooo grateful, but now its what to do for me .......thats the hard part now, im lost ...not back to work for another two weeks as funeral not till 5th and i live on site , retirement scheme manager so its double hard here now, cos it wa s always just us for 24 years , end of an era , have heard all the cliches but nothing helps, and next year im facing redundancy and moving , company changing , so thats good in abig way as i cant stand it here now without him, have been diving in and out all week, which is hard , dont want the questions ,some nice people but mostly insensitive people now,sadly out for what they can get , we both knew it had changed in the last couple of years but to be honest living on site was a god send during his last few weeks as i could be near ...now its a curse , roller coaster, he said do what you need to do here , get the redundancy pay and move , have good life ....
there doesnt seem to be any support out there for the first couple of weeks, which is when you need it , for direction and just to tell......to hear the sound of a voice who understands ....
I wish you all well, this journey is so hard but I agree talking to each other is good, xx
Hi Debbie, how are you? hope your ok , not been to good these last couple of days you seem to be ok ,then you seem to take steps back again. Went to a memorial service at the crem where my husbands service was every one that was there has lost a loved one in the last 12 month, it was very moving and sad at the same time . take care Syl x
Hi Jules, just a quick e mail, hope your ok not been to good for a few days seem to cry for no reason, went to a memorial service at the crem where we had my husbands service it was very moving and sad hope i feel better soon regards Syl x
Sorry you are feeling low, I do know what you mean I have been calmer for a few weeks but can feel that cloud coming over again. I am a step closer to sorting Sam's ashes I know where to put them now just need to make the arrangements, but his brother wants me to wait until September, as that is when he is visiting (lives in Canada), which is ok but would like to have done it sooner. Things can be different each day and different things can 'set you off' at the moment for me it is Wimbledon - Sam loved it and it just is not the same watching it without him I miss his lovely smiling face so much.
Hope you feel better soon
Its perfectly natural that you will have these days though they do seem hard to cope with when they occur. Going to the memorial service at the crem would have completely reminded you of all that your husband you and the family have been through. When they invited me to a memorial service for those who had passed I decided, along with my children, that this was not something we needed to do. It was just a couple of weeks after I had been back to the crematorium for the funeral of one of my hubby's buddies and I had not coped well at all - just was totally overwhelmed and felt as though I was starting the grieving process anew. They are difficult times.
Be kind to yourself, crying gives us some release from all those held in emotions (we do insist on trying to put on a brave face but it catches up with us from time to time). Sending hugs. Jules xx
Sending you hugs too. Hubby did not share my love of Wimbledon (and yest I have been watching it when indoors) but understand where you are coming from as we always watched Formula 1 together and even the intro music has an affect on me still. Joint activities are the things you often miss the most and for us they were pretty special moments because he travelled on business quite a lot and enjoying quiet times in front of the tv is what he enjoyed when he was home. During my first year of widowhood I found my concentration (tv/books etc) was very hit and miss but in the last few months I have begun to get my mind back in focus and am playing catch up with my stack of novels. I tend to have music on more now too.
Be kind to yourself and take care. Jules xx
Hi Debbie, its me again still feel a bit down maybe its the time of year , every one going away and planning things together .me and hubby didnt watch sport on TV , we watched tipping point and the chase it was funny shouting at the TV when they did things wrong its not the same on your own . take care Syl x
Hi Jules, still feel a bit down maybe the time of year when everyone going away and you feel left behind plus the weather isnt that good at the moment. wont to mow my lawns but the grass is to wet .My friend who lost her husband 6yrs ago said she feels like i do many times, you just have to keep going and carry on like they would wont you to regards Syl x
Like you frustrated that we are not getting much of a summer so far and my lawn is resembling a mini meadow with clover, buttercups and daisies!! Needless to say looks lovely but needs mowing.grrr.
I like quiz programmes too (including tipping point,the chase or sometimes pointless/eggheads on the other channel) and often pick up info which can come in useful when I tackle crosswords!
I feel no surprise that you are having down times (hindsight coming into play I suppose)as I think bereavement brings so many emotions, some of which we may never have felt so strongly before. We have a big gap where hubby used to be in our lives and I personally feel it is a very slow process to both accept that loss and 'map out' a coping mechanism.
It is eighteen months tomorrow since my hubby passed away and of course I still feel the sadness of his loss and the life we shared. The only real difference now is that I find comfort in knowing his suffering (both physically but also his mental withdrawal from those around him) is at an end having lived with his terminal diagnosis for nearly 3 years. My inner strength now is there because of the life we shared and knowing that he would want our family to carry on in his memory. It is important to me (as it would have been to him) that our children and grandchildren enjoy the life we currently have. Feeling guilty that I can laugh and enjoy aspects of my life, despite my loss, takes some adjustment but time is helping. I cope by taking it one day at a time (sometimes still having to accept emotion is a part of the healing process - not easy for someone who got used to hiding it for my hubby's peace of mind) and not to expect too much of myself (my GP also explained that I had probably been grieving for the man I lost during his illness and I suppose she is correct). Widowhood is not easy but with understanding and support of friends and family the time comes when the coping becomes a more normal way forward. We carry those we have lost in our hearts and I like to think they would be proud of whatever we manage to do.
On a slightly humerous note my seven year old grandson still reckons I need to marry again, mainly to help with the washing up (like his Dad does with my daughter) but also to give me someone else to talk to. I have gently told him I am OK as I am but think there will be more comments to come!
Just off now to do the weekly shop as the sun is out and would prefer to do it in the dry and then another first - going to the local high street fun day alone. Be kind to yourself. Jules xx
HiJules, just read your e-mail it made me laugh at what your grandson said about you marrying again. cant seem to shake this feeling of sadness off went into town with my daughter she wanted a new pair of shoes as she is off out tonight.came home and cried all evening , it dosnt change any thing no matter how hard we wish things could be different ,its nice to know your enjoying life and getting on with things with family and friends.hope i havnt made you sad with my comments take care Syl x
I am not upset by your posts my dear as can understand them and your feelings. The forum is a good place to offload and have done so myself many a time I can assure you. Writing it down does not change anything but somehow sharing it makes you feel just a little less alone with your grief. I bet you were putting on the brave face whilst out shopping and sometimes that effort just boils over once back in the privacy of your own home.
I just went to the gym and then for a walk this morning as it was nice to get the sun on my face for a change. Came home and mowed the lawn before my daughter and family popped in for a short while. Have been watching the tennis in between pottering and managed to get the washing up to date. Maybe I will save the ironing for tomorrow evening when I have nothing much planned.
Take care, Jules x
Maybe it is the time of year - I know exactly what you mean,I cannot imagine ever going on holiday without him ever and also agree watching Tv doesn't have the same pleasure either. It will be our Wedding Anniversary on Thursday it's so unfair