Struggling to cope with losing my Dad to cancer.  He passed away 30th December 2020, it was torture watching him go from been positive to been scared. It all started in May when he got a blood clot in his leg, the GP sent him to hospital and they did a scan and thought he had a tumour in his bowel, he ended up having loads of test done xrays, they ended up seeing lesions on his lung but they said they wasn't worried about it and guaranteed it wasn't lung cancer. They cancelled his CT in August, by October Dad was in real bad pain in his neck so he went to A & E, he was there 5 hours to be given some muscle cream.  The same week he ended up at the hospital and they kept him in for 3 weeks, no visits due to Covid, except when he had a fall in hospital which they didn't even let us know, mum rang that morning 3 times. 
He came out of hospital on the 20th November and died on the 30th December, he never spoke about not having months to live nothing,, I knew he was ill because he wasn't the same and I blocked how Ill he was out I just wanted him to get better, he suffered so much and the image I have when he passed I can't get out of my head I miss him so much i don't  no how to move on from that. We just wasn't prepared for how fast everything went I just don't understand and can't let it go.