Hi

My Mom wasn't recently diagnosed but I still cannot get my head around it.

Actually everything started over 4 years ago. In March I had my baby daughter and in June/July my Mom had a partial mastectomy, than radiotherapy. I spent my maternity leave with her and she was more focused on her granddaughter then on cancer which was good. Time passed by, she was on hormonal treatment and things seemed to be ok, results were fine. Till June this year. And it so horrible as we talked few times about it coming to 5 years so sort of "safe land"... She had a bleeding like a period since a long time but was too scared to go for a medical appointment... In her annual abdominal ultra scam they discovered 2 cysts 16 and 17 cm on right and left ovaries. She was admitted to hospital and in preparation to surgery to remove her uterus, ovaries etc. Then they did tomographies of her abdomen and chest... they have found changes in net, lungs, liver. Too small to definitely say that this is cancer but still. They disqualified her to the surgery and started chemotherapy. My company was great by letting me to stay with my Mom for some time. So I was with her for first 3 chemo. She has lost 10kg and half her hair in less than 2 months. I came back home as my 4 yo started school last week and my Mom lives in another country. I was always panicky scared of loosing my Mom and now after hearing in open from 3 different consultants (I took her to 3 different centres)... it's a palliative treatment... I just cannot stop feeling horrible. I renovated her flat and it helped for a while as I felt that even if I cannot do anything for her in a medical sense... at least sin did that... Besides breast cancer, they diagnosed endometrial cancer and possibly ovaries cancer, plus spread cancer changes in lungs and liver. I am keep reading and crying because palliative treatment can be as fast  as 6 months of living... some people might live 2 years on chemo... and my Mom just wants to live. She said recently on the phone "I am just thinking about surviving this all only"... and I feel like my heart is breaking because according to oncologists she won't and neither she or me cannot accept it. She is so crazy brave and fights so well, I am so proud of her! She has a diabetes and deep veins inflammation so she needs to keep taking 4 injections per day... and I feel so guilty that I am not there even tho my sister lives in a same town as she. I don't know if anyone in here has a similar experience and can advise... but I am thinking every day that maybe I am wasting time on everything I do instead of being with my Mom... But live doesn't stop, I am rising my child on my own, need to work, finish my studies. Just what if... instead of all of that I should just be with her till I can...? I am quite often awake at night crying because I am trying to figure out what else can I do to help her get better. I feel like part of me is dying with her as well. She was always my biggest support and now I cannot do more for her. Thank you for letting me to share all of this in here.