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Sister let me down

21 Jun 2018 21:22

I lost my partner 29th april and never heard from my older sister for till 20th june it was a letter saying sorry for my loss ive now told her not to contact me again ime not angry ime so dissapointed she gave some excuse about anxiaty what a crock am i wrong i feel better in the fact that she can never disapoint me again its happend before i said a text would have done and she has a pertner he could have contacted me you find out when you lose the love of your life does anyone think ive done right

Sister let me down

21 Jun 2018 21:58 in response to Paulus

Hello Paulus; not for us to judge about your sister's lack of contact.  We haven't "spoken" before but I have read some of your posts and realise that Liz meant so much to you.  Did  Liz and your sister know each other?  I generally think it a good idea to maintain family contacts unless something totally unforgiveable has been done - I understand you may think your sister's omission comes under this heading!  Especially as you indicate that she has let you down before now.  But don't worry yourself too much about it at present; you have enough pressures and sadness in your life.  Best wishes.  Annie

Sister let me down

21 Jun 2018 23:31 in response to Paulus

I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock
I am an island

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

-- Paul Simon

Sister let me down

21 Jun 2018 23:39 in response to telemando

Oh that's really sad ...  he must have been really lonely to right that ... I'm gonna look up Paul Simon now and find out why ... I loved his bridge over troubled water ... l played it at my dad's funeral ... when tears are in your eyes I will dry them all off .. seems so different from the verse ... Chrissie  ; ((  x

 

Sister let me down

22 Jun 2018 00:54 in response to telemando

Thanks for the poem i think ive tried to be a rock to some of the poor frightend people on here even though every day to me feels like agony we have shared posts to others  who were so scared . .regards paul

Sister let me down

22 Jun 2018 01:07 in response to Annieliz

Yes they did they got on well but this was last straw to me it was like liz wasnt important enough and to me liz was everything she made feel realy good about myself she was my princess sounds slushy i know but not to me i suppose the way she whent has shaken my whole foundations but it changes you and you and stops you making excuses for others bad behaviour not bitterness though but reality 

Sister let me down

22 Jun 2018 09:13 in response to Paulus

What would Liz have advised?  I am not generally a believer in putting words into the mouths of people who have died but I suspect you would have a good idea of what her feelings might be as the two of you were so very close.   Generally it is not a good idea to make big decisions when you are so unhappy and stressed - which you clearly are and with good reason.  Give it time and see how you feel.  

"I am a rock" was written by Paul Simon about a love affair that went wrong. One of the lines goes "If I'd never loved I never would have cried".  And that is quite a telling line.  You can go through life on your own or you can open your heart to good experiences, even though they might end sadly or badly.  In your case sadly but I am sure you would feel that your love for Liz was something that you would not have missed for the world even though the end was horribly sad for you.     Life is short, sometimes horribly short, so we perhaps should not waste the time we have.  Annie

 

Sister let me down

22 Jun 2018 11:16 in response to Annieliz

Hi thanks actually i was never keen on paul simons music i used to think they were drab plus he was married three times so he has been through the mill ime more of gladys knight myself had dreadful lives yet they make your heart sing but let me add thats my choice and oppinion about music liz liked meatloaf and pat benitar  ime not angry at my sister ime disapointed but there comes a point were you have to say my liz deserved better than this .and yes i am going through a bad time i go to bed every night and hope i dont wake up but dont take anything to make that happen.but i still try and help people on here .but at this moment in time ime so tormented i cant bear to listen to music .regards paul ps liz would have been livid and far worse than me and she had a genuin kindness there was no price for it we were both the same we didnt used to say give us a ring if you need anything we would be at door helping

Sister let me down

22 Jun 2018 14:32 in response to Paulus

Hi Paul. I'm so sorry your sister has disappointed you so much. I can completely understand how you must feel. When my mom passed, I feel like it was a big eye opener and I learned who the people with the most ability to care for me are. For instance, the morning after she died, I posted it on facebook.  Within minutes, the phone rang. I was in tears, and it was a friend calling to see how I'm doing. That's a true friend. 

The next day flowers came! A few days later I got a couple of sympathy cards in the mail. 

We did the funeral a week after her passing. We had visitation, where people could come and visit us in a room in the funeral home.  Lot's of people showed up to give their support. And then just the love and support coming from the people who attended the funeral, and then to the reception after. 

After it was all over, it was clear as daylight that there is a hierarchy of love in our lives. There are the people right there when we need them. There are some a bit further out but who still care. There are people who might not know us well, but who have kind hearts and can reach out because they are kind. And then there are people that we learn weren't actually real friends (or family) at all. 

A friend, who I had suspected was more of a user than anything else, didn't reach out. It took her two weeks to give me a sympathy card. I know that doesn't seem like a long time, but when my mom died, my whole world collapsed, my soul was crushed, I was so completely devastated (still am) that two weeks is a very long time. It's not that this friend is necessarily a bad person. She does good things in the community, and will help people if they need it. But she's emotionally unavailable to me. 

It's a painful lesson to learn, and at first I was really upset. I tried not to think about it because my mother had died and I didn't want to waste any more emotionaly energy on feeling sad about other less important people.

At first I thought, I'm not going to bother with her anymore. What's the point? But now that I've had a few weeks to think about it, I have more clarity.

I now know that she is not a good friend. She is actually my boyfriends friend. Because they are friends, I have no choice but to put on a good face. But I know now in my heart, what I always suspected, that she doesn't really like me or care about me all that much. 

So, now that I know that I will no longer invest in the "friendship". I will keep her at arms length. I can be friendly, but I will not give any more. I have to protect myself. 

Maybe this is something that can help you figure out how to deal with how your sister has let you down. What her actions say to me, is that she is too preoocupied with her own life to be able to offer any kind of love or support to anyone else. Two months is an incredibly long time, to not even send a text message, a card or anything. 

Sister let me down

22 Jun 2018 15:00 in response to Serapine8

Hi thanks s we have spoken before i remember you mentioning your toxic friend and you are absolutly right i realy thank you for your post and realy appreitate it . I feel better now as i dont have to sit and wait for phone calls anymore .i still love her and would be the first to help if she was in trouble but now i dont have to listen to her all knowing hypocrisy anymore about how she loves us all . regards paul 

Sister let me down

23 Jun 2018 02:45 in response to Paulus

Hi Paul

I remember you mentioning toxic friends, and another person mentioned "transactional friends". It really is interesting how we can really find out who is capable of being a loving friend and family member after a loss. Before that, it's so easy for us to make excuses for people, or to think we are imagining things. But after a loss, it's crystal clear. True friends reach out and show love. 

I'm glad that you will still have your sister in your life, and that after this experience though, you won't ever feel diappointed by her because you won't have any expectations. 

Sister let me down

23 Jun 2018 03:24 in response to Serapine8

Hi yes we did chat about that .i read up on the transactional friend very interesting i had same conversation with liz over one of her.personaly i think they pray on kind people users is another word but they eventualy are found out and you must be a kind person as you have taken the trouble to contact me when you are going through your own personal grief . Its been good for me this site as i have i hope been able to try and give some people bits of advice or at least put there minds at rest which helps me to just as you have been doing to me.i must admit i did laugh when one of the ladys came on and said how her pet dog had given her more support than humans.but as to my sister yes i would still be there for her and have been for all my siblings in the past probably  better than they have me but bloods thicker than water . Glad you contacted me as its nice when people try and help because at these times the world can seem a very lonely place .so i thank you for thinking of me and hope to speak again.if you ever need to chat about anything plase contact me again crissie on here has been a great help as have some of the others who have been so kind .so best wishs and hope you are feeling a little bit better after your awfull loss . Regards paul

Sister let me down

23 Apr 2019 14:51 in response to Paulus

hi Paul im embroiled in my own pain some what,but decided read a post or 2 ,most i cannot think what to say so dont bother,id probably of done the same,as it is both my brothers have been very supportive.but id of lost it with them if they had just not bothered.hope you keep in touch with your siblings.in my case my partner Jayne was loving and caring about all her family.hence having had the wrath of Jaynes mother and knowing her brothers never liked me is going make it hard for me to try do what Jayne would of wanted and stay in contact with the nieces and nephews.plus the family didnt show Jayne much love at the funeral or the articles about it in the local paper,hence im thinking of just cutting ties with the lot of them.anyway i hope your ok with the decision you made and you are ok. Regards ian

Sister let me down

24 Apr 2019 08:09 in response to jayneian

Morning ian . Ime ok how it is with siblings ive got six some were ok some were rubbarb and always have been .if your brothers are oke get them to store some of your stuff i know your hurting .but i know i shouldnt say this but your going to have to harden up for a while jaynes mum holds all the cards at the moment so try not to offend them i had to bite my tongue for a while till it was sorted i cant realy help you anymore it i was ok i owned my home ect liz and i were together 24/7 but we kept our own homes so we had a town home and a country home so all ok on that front . Its a shame jayne jayne didnt leave a will but these things get put on the back burner liz have many othere health probs so did a will left me somthing it was nice but i didnt need it she was a p/a for university chanceler so she was very organised so see a solicitor and c.a.b .hope you get sorted its awfull as i said we care for our partners and make decisions while they are alive the minuit there gone we have no say at all its unfair but thats how it is .p 

Sister let me down

24 Apr 2019 18:19 in response to Paulus

thank you Paul,

some good advice,ive bit my tongue loads of times over the last month or 2,only time i made a comment about Jaynes mums acyios etc was to say the write up about the funeral was insulting saying how Jayne loved all nieces and nephews and said jayne had brought fun to the family i wasnt nasty but felt like giving her the kitchen sink and everything,but held back,its sickening knowing how much jayne and i loved each other to know this woman doesnt give a fig what jayne would of wanted.Jayne as tried leave me something,i had fill pension forms in,including an expression of wish form,but got call other day asking if id filled 1 of them in ,said id filled both in but sadly one as gone astray so had fill it in again.So its a waiting game as to whether i get anything or not who knows.and all i really need the money for is trying get jaynes ashes and hopefully have enough purchase a funeral plan for myself which hopefully ends up with being with jayne when i die.