Hello Paulus; not for us to judge about your sister's lack of contact.  We haven't "spoken" before but I have read some of your posts and realise that Liz meant so much to you.  Did  Liz and your sister know each other?  I generally think it a good idea to maintain family contacts unless something totally unforgiveable has been done - I understand you may think your sister's omission comes under this heading!  Especially as you indicate that she has let you down before now.  But don't worry yourself too much about it at present; you have enough pressures and sadness in your life.  Best wishes.  Annie

I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock
I am an island

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

-- Paul Simon

Oh that's really sad ...  he must have been really lonely to right that ... I'm gonna look up Paul Simon now and find out why ... I loved his bridge over troubled water ... l played it at my dad's funeral ... when tears are in your eyes I will dry them all off .. seems so different from the verse ... Chrissie  ; ((  x

Thanks for the poem i think ive tried to be a rock to some of the poor frightend people on here even though every day to me feels like agony we have shared posts to others  who were so scared . .regards paul

Yes they did they got on well but this was last straw to me it was like liz wasnt important enough and to me liz was everything she made feel realy good about myself she was my princess sounds slushy i know but not to me i suppose the way she whent has shaken my whole foundations but it changes you and you and stops you making excuses for others bad behaviour not bitterness though but reality 

What would Liz have advised?  I am not generally a believer in putting words into the mouths of people who have died but I suspect you would have a good idea of what her feelings might be as the two of you were so very close.   Generally it is not a good idea to make big decisions when you are so unhappy and stressed - which you clearly are and with good reason.  Give it time and see how you feel.  

"I am a rock" was written by Paul Simon about a love affair that went wrong. One of the lines goes "If I'd never loved I never would have cried".  And that is quite a telling line.  You can go through life on your own or you can open your heart to good experiences, even though they might end sadly or badly.  In your case sadly but I am sure you would feel that your love for Liz was something that you would not have missed for the world even though the end was horribly sad for you.     Life is short, sometimes horribly short, so we perhaps should not waste the time we have.  Annie

Hi thanks actually i was never keen on paul simons music i used to think they were drab plus he was married three times so he has been through the mill ime more of gladys knight myself had dreadful lives yet they make your heart sing but let me add thats my choice and oppinion about music liz liked meatloaf and pat benitar  ime not angry at my sister ime disapointed but there comes a point were you have to say my liz deserved better than this .and yes i am going through a bad time i go to bed every night and hope i dont wake up but dont take anything to make that happen.but i still try and help people on here .but at this moment in time ime so tormented i cant bear to listen to music .regards paul ps liz would have been livid and far worse than me and she had a genuin kindness there was no price for it we were both the same we didnt used to say give us a ring if you need anything we would be at door helping

Hi Paul. I'm so sorry your sister has disappointed you so much. I can completely understand how you must feel. When my mom passed, I feel like it was a big eye opener and I learned who the people with the most ability to care for me are. For instance, the morning after she died, I posted it on facebook.  Within minutes, the phone rang. I was in tears, and it was a friend calling to see how I'm doing. That's a true friend. 

The next day flowers came! A few days later I got a couple of sympathy cards in the mail. 

We did the funeral a week after her passing. We had visitation, where people could come and visit us in a room in the funeral home.  Lot's of people showed up to give their support. And then just the love and support coming from the people who attended the funeral, and then to the reception after. 

After it was all over, it was clear as daylight that there is a hierarchy of love in our lives. There are the people right there when we need them. There are some a bit further out but who still care. There are people who might not know us well, but who have kind hearts and can reach out because they are kind. And then there are people that we learn weren't actually real friends (or family) at all. 

A friend, who I had suspected was more of a user than anything else, didn't reach out. It took her two weeks to give me a sympathy card. I know that doesn't seem like a long time, but when my mom died, my whole world collapsed, my soul was crushed, I was so completely devastated (still am) that two weeks is a very long time. It's not that this friend is necessarily a bad person. She does good things in the community, and will help people if they need it. But she's emotionally unavailable to me. 

It's a painful lesson to learn, and at first I was really upset. I tried not to think about it because my mother had died and I didn't want to waste any more emotionaly energy on feeling sad about other less important people.

At first I thought, I'm not going to bother with her anymore. What's the point? But now that I've had a few weeks to think about it, I have more clarity.

I now know that she is not a good friend. She is actually my boyfriends friend. Because they are friends, I have no choice but to put on a good face. But I know now in my heart, what I always suspected, that she doesn't really like me or care about me all that much. 

So, now that I know that I will no longer invest in the "friendship". I will keep her at arms length. I can be friendly, but I will not give any more. I have to protect myself. 

Maybe this is something that can help you figure out how to deal with how your sister has let you down. What her actions say to me, is that she is too preoocupied with her own life to be able to offer any kind of love or support to anyone else. Two months is an incredibly long time, to not even send a text message, a card or anything. 

Hi thanks s we have spoken before i remember you mentioning your toxic friend and you are absolutly right i realy thank you for your post and realy appreitate it . I feel better now as i dont have to sit and wait for phone calls anymore .i still love her and would be the first to help if she was in trouble but now i dont have to listen to her all knowing hypocrisy anymore about how she loves us all . regards paul 

Hi Paul

I remember you mentioning toxic friends, and another person mentioned "transactional friends". It really is interesting how we can really find out who is capable of being a loving friend and family member after a loss. Before that, it's so easy for us to make excuses for people, or to think we are imagining things. But after a loss, it's crystal clear. True friends reach out and show love. 

I'm glad that you will still have your sister in your life, and that after this experience though, you won't ever feel diappointed by her because you won't have any expectations.