I hope you don't think I'm being insensitive by posting about my imaginary cancers. I would never try to compare my experience to someone living with cancer, but since this has affected me so much I thought it would be good to try and get some perspective from people who have dealt with cancers.
I've dealth with depression most of my life, and last year I collapsed into depression after a stressful period. My depression centres around obsession with death, knowing I'm going to die and not being able to deal with it. Consequently a black cloud comes over me and numbs me completely - life it worthless because I'm going to die. It's happened a few times in my life and it lasts about a month or so, and I came out of the 'cloud', but this time I was stuck with an obsession, not just with dying at the end of a long life, but with the possibility of getting ill and dying at any time. That led to my first round of health anxiety, when I convinced myself I had stomach cancer for no real reason. It sounds so frivolous and silly but at the time it was always on my mind and I was constantly in a terminal mindset. It made me feel suicidal. I was told there was nothing wrong with my stomach but the tendency to obsess over my body hasn't gone and since then I've found things to worry about everywhere - lumps in my mouth, on my neck, under my arms, on my head, then moles and weird things with my throat and ears.
The reason I'm posting now is because my anxiety over a lump on my head has flared up again, and after so many months of continuous anxiety, then panic, then horrible depression and suicidal thoughts and self harming, over so many different things, has left me basically a wreck. I can't deal with the idea of being ill - I can't deal with the idea of death in general, so I have to put it in the future, not now, not potentially right round the corner. I know so many people here are living with cancer and making the best of it, and I feel awful knowing that so far I've been okay and yet I still can't deal with it. I know I'm not immortal or immune to illness, but actually confronting it is different from simply knowing it. But of course that means I can't accept it if I am well because I feel guilty for being "lucky"!
The lump I'm worried about right now is about the size of a pea, on the back of my head under my hair. I first noticed it a few months ago. It's firm and painless but I can push down on it slightly, like it's filled with fluid, and it moves with my skin. i went to the doctor and she seemed confident it was an infected hair follicle or something similar.
More recently it feels as if the lump itself has gone down slightly, but I tried to feel what was underneath the fluid and I started to notice what feels like a sort of bony ridge, which I can only feel if I dig my nails in. It's about 1cm long and only a few mm wide, and can't be felt just by running my fingers over my scalp. I can't tell if it's attached to my skull or not. I can't keep my mind from racing, and I'm really sorry if this is the wrong place to post or an obscenely long post, but I feel so helpless over all of this. I would appreciate any advice so much. Thank you.