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Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

24 Jul 2018 19:30

Hi a question many have said they have trouble disposing of love one clothes and things looking at pictures .i lost my partner liz three months ago .it was a totaly unexpected stroke but the cancer was cause .In my case just seeing my partners things are agony even though i adored her has anyone had this everyone seems to be the opposit and replys would be most welcome .p

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

24 Jul 2018 22:04 in response to Paulus

Hello Paulus, I'd say listen to your gut instincts. Do what you need to do to get through each day.

My sister was widowed suddenly three years ago. I was a little suprised when she started packing up her husband's clothes, hobby items and such before the funeral, but didn't say anything. She said it was something she needed to do, so everything went to the charity shop. 

It's your choice. If there's another close relative who would like to take some items, it's probably best to give them an option. Otherwise, if they are legally yours, just do what you feel is right.

regards, gamechanger

 

 

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

24 Jul 2018 22:28 in response to gamechanger

Hi all lizs clothes her daughter took i even broke up her wardrobe so no one else could put there clothes in  kept some things but just looking at her picture just brakes me up but everyone seems opposit cant bear to listen to any music like you say we all grieve in our own way but just wonderd i thank you for your kind reply we need all the help we can get when we go through things normaly i would be able to deal with things but when you loose your partner one of the many things you miss is they are your confidante .p

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

25 Jul 2018 04:11 in response to Paulus

Hi. I can't completely relate to losing a partner, but as you have commented on many of my posts, you know that I lost my mom recently so I'm having to go through her stuff - some of which is agony.

I find that there are certain things that are harder than others - triggers? Last week I cleared out a spare room with no problems at all. But this weekend my sister and I were going around talking about what we wanted to keep and she was saying her ex husband wants an ornament of my moms (he's not too bothered about which one)...well, that was a trigger...all of her ornaments I grew up seeing and I can't just hand them over to other people!!! I actually completely lost it and had a mini breakdown.

We are now at a point where we will just be putting things that have sentimental value into boxes and worry about them later. Might this be an option for you too? It might never be easy to go through certain things, but maybe later on it might just be a tiny bit easier? 

I don't think it's something that you can force yourself to do though. The loss is still fresh. I'm two months into my loss, and only now am I slowly able to start going through things. But I find that I'm leaving the harder things for later.

Today I cleared out the kitchen. That was easy because I used to clean her kitchen all the time. I'll be donating most of her stuff to charity, which is what she'd want.

Maybe after some time has passed you will feel more ready to go through Liz's things. Perhaps when you are ready you might have someone help you with it. It can't be easy to be doing that on your own.

All the best

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

25 Jul 2018 09:17 in response to Paulus

Hi again Paul; you know from previous discussions that I think you shoulkd not cause yourself pain by forcing yourself to do anything in this situation.   I think recently-bereaved people should just leave it if they cannot face the job; it doesn't hurt to have their loved-ones clothing in the wardrobe for a bit longer.  As with all things after bereavement you should be kind to yourself and just do what you can when you can (apart of course from the legal nececessities which do have to be faced).  I sometimes think about how we know logically that either ourselves or our partners are going to die one day but knowing this does not provide very much preparedness when it happens.  I am a great believer in doing what feels right for the individual who is bereaved.  It does of course help to have family and friends who will look out for you and help you.  I suppose if we didn't have to face life's lows we would not appreciate the highs that we have experienced but it is darn hard sometimes.

As always, Paul, my very best wishes to you.  Annie

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

25 Jul 2018 13:01 in response to Annieliz

Hi thanks i was more wondering about how people felt when seeing pic and possesions ive delt with lizs clothes wardrobe etc it just seemed like people were looking at photoes pnd things with fondness were with me it tears me to bits but thanks to everyone ive realized ime dealing with it like you say in my own way and am not odd . Regards paul ps i dont no how the heading on that post came on i just put qestion but ime gratefull to all the people that replyed that in itself helped the loneliness 

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

25 Jul 2018 13:10 in response to Serapine8

Hi thanks understand we discussed triggers for anxiaty it must be awfull having to clear your mums house thoes meltdowns are unbeleivable . Hope your managing ok .i have to say i had to go to gps to get something for the anxiaty .still going through the grief and loss but at least i can hold a cup of tea me shaking all the tea out .so thanks again to you and everyone .paul

 

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

25 Jul 2018 15:09 in response to Paulus

I really hope the anxiety starts to get a bit less now for you now. Pictures are hard. I put a pic of my mom as my background on my computer, and pretty much cried every time I saw it. But now, because it's always there, I find I'm not crying as much over it. 

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

25 Jul 2018 15:19 in response to Serapine8

Hi thanks now that you mention it theres a small picture of liz on the wall in living room i couldnt look at it before it set me off ive just looked at it now and its not so bad so I'll just keep looking at it now till i get realy used to it then ilI'bring the big ones out .thank you for that its like desensitizing oneself .regards paul

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

25 Jul 2018 15:36 in response to Paulus

Yes that's it exactly! Like desensitizing. At my moms visitation at the funeral home there was a large portrait of my mom outside the door of the room we were using. It was taken when she was quite young. I had a very hard time looking at it. I would tear up quickly. Well, we bought it and my boyfriend hung it up in our hallway. I can look at it now. 

 

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

25 Jul 2018 16:01 in response to Serapine8

Thank you  .regards paul

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

27 Jul 2018 12:59 in response to Paulus

Hi  Paulus

You're right people do deal with sudden loss/grief in so many differing ways. It takes us in differemt directions andI cannot even explain how and why I felt the way I did/still do at times.  Lost my hubby (not suddenly but with terminal cancer) and being a somewhat practical person I was able to deal with the clothes though kept a few 'special' items (I think this is possible due to my Mum doing it very quickly after my Dad passed away so I kind of knew how to approach it). This proved to be an emotional rollercoaster. However my daughter decided she would like to have memory bears made and asked if she could take a few items with this in mind.  Both her, her two children and now my son's daughter (who never met her grandad) all have Memory Bears which have helped with the grieving process along with the Memory Boxes we put together.

When the time is right you will know how you wish to proceed but I find some things still take me time to process and it has been over 3 years now! 

Jules54

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

27 Jul 2018 13:17 in response to jules54

Hi thanks i delt with some stuff straight away clothes etc . I was mainly that everytime i saw things of lizs it broke me up . I was talking to another lady on here and ive realized i just have to desensitize myself to pics then bring out other things .your right on the nail about people grieving in different ways ime so sorry for your loss to i cant imagine how you must feel but thanks for your kindness . Liz had stroke after chemo then sepsis and was gone in two days so neither slow nor quick but it was cancer to blame it was so unexpected it floored me no warning but from what ive read it was a blessing to go peacfully but left me in pieces . Ime slowly getting rid of toiletrys and kitchen stuff i dont think about it c it pick it up and throw it away liz would understand she was a widow and she told me she did same .regards paul

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

7 Apr 2019 01:53 in response to Paulus

hi Paulus

i cannot let anything go at all.as regards pictures,im obsessed with posting them of my partner Jayne who sadly passed on 10th feb,she was my world i cannot imagine my future without Jayne in it,and im not coping with the loss at all,so far ive had 2 bereavement counselling sessions which at the moment have made me feel worse ,more so because its made me question the amount of time i spent elsewere in my life doing things which didnt include Jayne,so im feeling guilty as ive realised even more how much i loved her and how much she meant to me,i thought we had 20 or 30 more years to spend time together.like ive rerad on different sites we all grieve differently.and some of us have family and friends who try to give us comfort.me ive the opposite as regards my partners family they have made me feel like a leper and in no way given any positive help.im now done with them im not going answer the phone if they call .im going avoid them like the plague,sadly we were not married and the house which weve lived in for 21 years was in my partners name so my lifes far from easy as if losing my best friend lover and soul mate isnt enough ive got every chance im going be homeless very soon.sorry ive gone off topic but seems i open up and spout off my problems to anyone who will listen or read them.i hope you find some inner peace and you learn to live with the loss.

Question - disposing of loved ones possessions

7 Apr 2019 15:24 in response to jayneian

Hi. My brother passed away nearly 6 months ago due to Acute Myloid Leukeamia and we still have all of his stuff. His bedroom is exactly the way he left it before he had to go into a hospice to spend his final days. We just can't bring ourselves to get rid of any of his things like his clothes, his phone or anything like that, it's just too hard for us. 

In terms of looking at pictures, it's very bittersweet because on one hand they help us to remember him as the person he was before the cancer got it's grip on him but also because of that, they are very hard to look at. 

I hope this helps