Together we will beat cancer


Prospect of losing Mum

15 Aug 2019 21:21

Hi, I’m not really sure what I want back from this but I guess I just want to speak to people who have lost their mum. I’m 32 I’m married and have a son who is 6 months old. I have 3 siblings and a Dad. Mum originally had cancer 8 years ago and was cured but in November 2018 we started to notice she had a bad cough and after fighting and fighting and ending up paying for a private consultation we discovered it was back and this time incurable. She was on chemo and was doing really well and the tumour got smaller and then in November 2019 they decided to give her a break and get her in a trial and it’s all been downhill from here. To cut a long story short three weeks ago they found the cancer (which is in the upper GI wrapped around her vena cava, windpipe and oesophagus (she has 5 stents) had grown towards her spine. 3 weeks later she detonated fast and is now in hospital. We’ve seen her go from being her normal self to now being so drugged up I barely recognise her. I know the end is soon (we haven’t been told when) but I just don’t know how to process it or cope. I cry one minute I feel empty the next. I look at my baby and my heart breaks that my mum will never get to see him grow up, she won’t be there for advice, she won’t be there for my next one, and worst of all he won’t even remember her. I know there is no magical wand to wave to make this go away or make me feel better but I just would like to talk to anyone who has gone through this especially when they had small children. I know so many people who have lost dads but no one who has lost a mum. I don’t expect you to make me feel better but maybe to give me hope that I will be able to be ok in some way because right now I have no idea how I am going to cope. I barely can keep it together when I’m with her, and I’m the strong one of the 4 kids. Anyway I’ll atop rambling now. Thank you xxx 

Prospect of losing Mum

16 Aug 2019 01:54 in response to Vicky8687

Hi Vicky, my mum is in a similar situation - she was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer last July and I’ve been lost ever since. I’m sorry I don’t have any experience or advice to give you but maybe just to know we’re in similar positions. I’m 31 and split from my husband last year just before I found out about my mum, only child and I go through phases of how to cope. There’s no right answer and stupidly (or creatively) I’m looking to fix the situation. I have a 6 yr old son my mums only grandson and it is the biggest thing that sets me or her off crying as I cannot bear the thought of my mum being such a hero to me and influence in my life and my son won’t remember her but I have to make sure he does. I try everyday. I know your son is younger but take as many photos and videos as you can and make as many memories. 

Not sure I’ve helped in any way but here to talk. 

Rebecca x

Prospect of losing Mum

16 Aug 2019 15:30 in response to rebecca1988

Hi Vicky,

I'm in a similar situation - my mum was diagnosed with extensive small cell lung cancer in May 2018. I'm 23, and whilst I don't have any children of my own yet, we do have my boyfriend's daughter (she's 5) and my mum considers her a granddaughter. It breaks my heart that she won't get to see her grow up and also that she won't be there to give me any advice when I do eventually have my own children. I'm an only child and feel absolutely lost at the idea of coping when the end does eventually come.

I have to keep it together for my dad, but everything's becoming so stressful that I feel myself snapping at them both purely because I feel so stressed by and out of control with the whole situation.

I feel as though i'm grieving someone that isn't even dead yet which then makes me feel even guiltier and as though i'm not cherishing the moments that I have left.

I probbaly haven't helped much in the way of 'there is hope', but hopefully you feel a little bit less alone knowing that you're not the only one feeling lost.

Georgia x

Prospect of losing Mum

16 Aug 2019 19:48 in response to GA290895

Hi GA - I've read all the posts here & it's all terribly, terribly sad. I can't share all your experiences as my mum was 89 when she died. But I wanted to reply specifically to your post because you say you feel guilty for grieving for your mum whilst she's still with you. You really mustn't. What you're experiencing is called anticipatory grief & it's extremely common & quite normal. We anticipate the loss that is to come & all that we will lose when our loved one finally leaves us. All the things that have been talked about here - not knowing grandchildren & so on. How can we not grieve for all the things we are going to lose?

Sometimes it makes the loss, when it finally comes, a little easier to bear so please take comfort from knowing you are feeling nothing that is wrong at all or nothing that you should feel guilty about. I do hope this helps you a little at least. Take care. x

Prospect of losing Mum

17 Aug 2019 08:57 in response to rebecca1988

Hi Rebecca,

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. How is she doing at the moment? Is she still having treatment? I know what you mean about trying to fix the situation, I just keep thinking oh what about this or that and then realise it's inevitable and all we can do is hope we get the longest amount of time with her. I haven't been able to articulate what it is about my son not knowing my Mum that hurts so much but you described it perfectly. I just want him to know how amazing she was and to understand how much she loved him and was there for him even for a short while. I am definitely trying to take my photos and videos now but it's already too late now she has been admitted to hospital and now I'm angry I didn't take them when I should have done. I think hindsight is one of the hardest things. Thank you for your reply it has helped just to know there are other people thinking the same way I am and going through the same thing. Sending all my love to you and your son and if you need a 'sister' to lean on I am here xx

Prospect of losing Mum

17 Aug 2019 09:07 in response to GA290895

Hi Georgia,

That's what my Mum has too. Such a bloody awful cancer kills me that it won't bloody respond to chemo the same way as radio. How is your Mum? Is she still having treatment? 

I know I have a son, and you have your 'step' daughter but I totally understand what you mean about your mum not knowing your own children, and not being there for advice. I know I got to have that once with my son but the thought of her not being there for any others makes me feel like I don't even want to. I know that is silly but it's so hard to think that the ones we do have will at least have photos and we can help them remember but the new ones wont even have a link and that's so gut wrenching. I jokingly said to mu husband lets just get pregnant now just so we might have a slim chance which is totally insane but I am so desperate I am clutching at straws. 

I know what you mean about getting angry too. Over the last few weeks I have done that a lot and now she has been admitted to hospital I feel so guilty about the last couple of weeks. But it's so hard being tired and stressed and obviously upset means you are just going to. We are going to get counselling through the hospice and I think this is something I will definitely discuss as both me and my Dad felt like we have been unfair at points to Mum and now feel awful. 

As the lady posted below says we are suffering from anticipatory grief and I've read this can be even worse than actual grief because of the control point. I am 100% grieving her like she isn't here I keep imaging her funeral and packing her things away and I am screaming at myself to stop because she is still here but I can't. My Dad described it as a door he is trying to stay away from and keep closed but its like there is a magnet pulling him towards it and making him open it and that's when he breaks down. 

I really do appreciate you replying. I do just feel so alone and it does give me some security that I am not. I am just so angry that there are more than one of us going through it. Sending all my love to you and your family. 

Vicky xx

Prospect of losing Mum

17 Aug 2019 09:10 in response to purrfect


I had seen this before whilst googling for the 100th time about Mum (even though I know I shouldn't) and I saw this and read a bit but just felt like what is reading this going to do, so thank you for posting this and making it seem more human. 

And I am so sorry to hear about your Mum, it doesn't matter what age they are when they go, they were still your mum and now I understand how awful that is, so sending you a huge hug. Hopefully she and all the other older Mums can give our Mum's a huge hug when the time comes x

Prospect of losing Mum

18 Aug 2019 06:47 in response to Vicky8687

I’m 15 and my mum has passed away, she passed when I was 14, I can’t cope, it’s so hard knowing the person that gave birth to u is no longer here and she’s 1000000 of miles away, I miss her with all my heart, make sure to cherish your mum and spend as much time as u can with her I hope she gets better ❤️