Partners

Hi everyone

I wanted to ask what everyone's relationships were like after diagnosis?

I'm finding myself feeling very alone.I'm just not always getting the support I'd like from my husband.I don't know if I expect too much or maybe I'm being too needy or overreacting etc 

So anyone's point of view or experience will help greatly thankyou Ness x 

  • Hi Ness,

    I can only say, my relationship was even stronger than before. It was my wife who made me go to the doctor as I didnt believe there was anything wrong. How wrong I was for it was found I had prostate cancer and as it was caught early, I have made a good recovery.

    I am sorry that you feel your not getting the support you need. It may possibly be that your husband dosent know how to react for some men can be very reticent. It might be worthwhile telling him how you feel.

    Please let us know how you get on, Brian.

  • Hi Brian

    Thankyou for your kind reply.

    I have spoken to my husband more than once.And he just can't see any problem.He does say it's him being treated differently or unfairly.I can assure you that that is really not the case.

    I had my mastectomy Wednesday last week which was apparently the 'easy part'. So he's stayed home to look after me and is now going back to work Monday without any discussion.

    He is distant,snappy and nags and nit picks constantly at the children. I am at a loose end he's very cold towards me.But at times has been amazing.

    I'm so confused x 

  • Hi Ness

    From the other side point of view, when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer his way of dealing with it was to distance himself from me even though I wanted more than anything for this not to be the case.  In the end after many tears and frustrations we came to an agreement that I would respect his feelings as long as he appreciated mine and if he wanted anything he would have to ask as  I could not mindread.  It was the saddest part of his illness during our 37 years of marriage that he would not let me support him as we travelled his cancer journey together through to his passing.

    Like Brian has said I hope you can talk to each other and let him know how you feel.  Best wishes Jules54

  • Hi Ness, when my husband was diagnosed 4 years ago he was really strong he tried not to show his emotions and he wanted to be alone most of the time. I gave him his space but near the end he wanted everyone around him. To be honest he changed a lot during the short time he had cancer sadly he passed away weeks after being diagnosed. Then last year i was diagnosed with Liver cancer and my relationship with my son and daughters and grandkids became very close they were so supportive and do anything for me. They already lost one parent so i think they are doing anything for me to keep me around for as long as they can. I tell them to stop worrying but i would be the same if it was my kids with cancer.-Hugs Diane x

  • Hi CG

    You are definitely not alone with how you felt. I joined the forumduring my husband's journey because of my fear and frustrations and was so appreciative of the support of  virtual strangers who became virtual friends through the saddest of reasons.  For us it became easier to cope once we understood each others thoughts and, as they say, hindsight is a wonderful thing! My husband just could not bear to talk about his illness as he could not cope with the emotions it brought.  I on the other hand needed to know how best to bring comfort into his day to day living and pushed my fear for my future on to the back burner (though this caused much inner stresses I felt selfish worrying about my future when my hubby did not have one).

    Although my hubby kept me at a distance I never doubted his love  for me as always blamed cancer not the man. I do not think we ever feel we did enough but through talking  on the forum and after my husband's death, to his GP,  I am comforted by the fact that I had  a long marriage, children and grandchildren who shared our love and loss and often think now that he felt he was preparing me for a time without him .  His GP got me involved in his appointments with her in the last six months or so and she has been very supportive of me  since his death a year ago. I feel I  have learned a great deal about myself in the last few years and now honour my hubby's memory by reaching goals that I set myself.

    Ness, if you are reading this I am sorry to interrupt your thread and do hope that you can get your husband to understand your feelings of loneliness as you come deal with you own diagnosis.  I doubt you are over-reacting or too needy but can only imagine how  distressed you are feeling when unable to get the full support of your other half. Do come and chat on the forum anytime as there will be others who can understand how you feel just now. Sending a virtual hug.  Jules

  • Ness hope you are recovering from surgery. I had a lumpectomy last friday. My husband has been amazing throughout chemo, but since the op things have become more difficult. I think it is simply a combination of factors: all my treatments and the need to stay positive for so long have taken their toll, its tough on him too, my suffering has taken precedence and he needs support too but maybe doesn't admit it. He's simply run out of positivity and doesn't know how to deal with it. I dont blame him, im a bad patient and im at the end of my tether too. This is just my experience and may not accord with yours. Maybe time to bring in the cavalry? Other people to give him a break? If this happened without cancer in the mix what would you do? Obviously a cheeky night out or weekend away is not an option, but im thinking how I can have time with hubby without talking about the kids or cancer. Might help me too! sometimes, as other posts have said the only way through is on your own. We know we love each other, being nice to each other will have to wait til another day!

  • Htg 

    That makes alot of sense thankyou.I think you could well be right on a few points there.I hope your also recovering well from your op.

    Wouldn't it be nice if it was all hearts and roses in these situations? I guess not,wishful thinking then.Perhaps over time family's just learn to live with cancer better.

    Everyone's been so kind sharing their stories.Thankyou all very much 

    Ness x