Together we will beat cancer


Not coping with the loss of my mum

8 Nov 2018 22:57

Hi all, 

I’m typing this in floods of tears. I lost my mum at the end of July and just can’t ever see my life being happy again. I have days where I’m ok but have this fear of breaking down in floods of tears wherever I am or whatever I’m doing. I miss my mum so much. I’m 42 and my mum was 63 and my very best friend. I thought I would be feeling a little better but as Christmas draws near I’m finding my emotions getting uncontrollable. I’m dreading Christmas but I have two children who I feel I need to try and make a effort to make Christmas a little bit happy. My mum loved Christmas so much and can’t imagine the day without her. How do you cope without your loved one. X

Re: Not coping with the loss of my mum

8 Nov 2018 23:26 in response to Millymoo22

Hello my lovely

My eyes are welling up just reading your post as feel totally the same. My dad died just over 3 weeks ago and I'm struggling so much to think I won't see or hear him again. He was truly my hero and such a brave man. His journey was long but he didnt refuse any treatment offered, he justed wanted as long as he could with his family.  I don't understand God's logic as he was such a kind man. Everywhere I look, it's Christmas and I'm dreading it but the show must go on as they say because I have two excited 7 year olds and I've got to think of them too.  I cry several times a day and struggle to sleep, playing back his illness in my head wondering if anyone could have done more. Life seems very cruel at the moment and I'm so sad, I don't know if I'll ever laugh again. Very cliche...but I really do think as we were so close, a part of me has died with him. I feel sorry for my children as their happy mummy has no enthusiasm for anything. I hope it's true and I wish that we all feel better with time. Sending hugs x

Re: Not coping with the loss of my mum

8 Nov 2018 23:32 in response to Millymoo22

Hi Milly

So sorry you are here and in so much pain xx 

I also lost my Mum a few years ago to I’ve come out the other side (I’m proof that it does happen, as I am sure it will for you too although I know it likely doesn’t feel like it for you right now) xx 

I can remember me and my brother and sister absolutely dreading the first Christmas without Mum. Like your Mum, our Mum died at the end of July and as the months went on, we were all filled with dread about Christmas Day. The anticipation was anxiety provoking to say the least. 

On the day...I have to really wasn’t as bad as we had anticipated it to be. In fact, it wasn’t bad at all. We had decided that the approach the day was for there to be as much positivity as possible...we remembered the good and funny times and it was quite an enjoyable time. Sad moments were allowed too...I think that was important to process the loss but most of the day was lovely. 

I know what you mean about fearing crying...I know how hard it is to stop those random crying moments...I remember them and also feared the same. I did have these moments...on public transport...when out for a jog etc!   I figured...well if I was to cry, it is allowed....afterall, I am processing grief right now...and I guess the worst that could happen is that someone may ask me if I’m alright! 

I felt the same as you...I just couldn’t imagine a time when life would feel normal again or where I didn’t have this black cloud hanging over me. I couldn’t see that I would ever feel anything but grief. I was wrong about all of that...a few years on, I do miss Mum still. Of course!....but I don’t have the unbearable pain anymore like I did in the initial months. And it didn’t take a few years to get there...after the initial grief period I could see light at the end of the tunnel xx 

When I think of my Mum’s mostly with happy and fun memories and feelings xx 

This is a very supportive website and lots of people have experienced the same as us xx hope you will stick around xx big hug xx 


Re: Not coping with the loss of my mum

9 Nov 2018 04:06 in response to Millymoo22

Hi Millymoo22. It really is the hardest thing to go through. I lost my mum in May, so I am only two months ahead of you. I too have days where I am ok. Days where I even think, wow, this is really ok. And then other days where I just can't even process the pain, like - how is it possible she's even gone? Then just heavy waves of pain. For the first three months, there were so many times where I just cried uncontrollably. I've never cried so hard in my life. I too am 42. My mum was 79. 

The thing is, there are constant triggers. You can be absolutely fine one minute, and then something you see, hear, taste, smell, remember, etc. can just cause tears. Christmas, birthdays, the anniversary of their death are probably the hardest. 

At least you have two children who will obviously be super excited about Christms. Just seeing the joy on their faces will surely make you feel happy. Just remember, if your mum loved Christmas then she'd really want you to enjoy the day with your family. I'm sure there will be hard parts during the day - triggers. I doubt that we'll get through the day without a few tears. But all we can hope for is that our family and friends will be there for us and that we'll still manage to enjoy at least a part of the day. 

Re: Not coping with the loss of my mum

9 Nov 2018 22:00 in response to daddyssarah


thank you so much for your response, I too play back in my head, my mum dying and the sound of her breathing. I can’t seem to get it out of my head. I can’t wait for the day when all I think about is the happy times we shared and not the cancer life. I loved my mum so much. It’s so comforting to know your not on your own with the feelings you have. I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely dad. My mum fought till the very end to stay with her children, even when she passed a tear rolled down her cheek. Those moments will stay with me forever. I truly hope we will all somehow learn to cope with our heartbreak. I hope your taking enough time to grieve and taking care of yourself. I’m not sure if you feel the same but I’m constantly looking for signs from my mum, believing she would never just leaves us. Sending you big hugs xxx

Re: Not coping with the loss of my mum

10 Nov 2018 01:13 in response to Millymoo22

Hi Millymoo22

I read your post and I wanted to say I know what you mean about watching your mum dying and the breathing. My mum passed away 26 September and I felt like I was going mad going over the day. Even though the district nurses said she wasn't in any pain, I keep thinking of how she seemed to be gasping for breath but she had slipped into unconsciousness so I think she wasn't in distress. I want to talk about mum but I feel people around who are not family, probably makes them uncomfortable and of course, they can't appreciate how I am feeling. I look for signs as well, my brother had a butterfly in their home, very strange, some people say they can feel their loved one's spirit around them but I haven't felt that, I wish I could, I miss mum so much, haven't yet reached the stage where I can talk about her without the tears. 

So sorry for your loss, I know how you feel, its just horrible, sorry, the days are up and down and today hasn't been good.

Take care... 

Re: Not coping with the loss of my mum

10 Nov 2018 21:09 in response to Linda63

Hi Linda, first of all I’d like to say so sorry your going through the same, we shouldn’t be going through this. 

I feel the same, I’m starting to feel like everyone is thinking why don’t she just get over it now. I keep reliving the days leading up to my mums passing, especially when I tried to make mum comfy and she ended up breathing worse. The district nurse said she wasn’t in pain or struggling but it certainly looked like she was. It just breaks my heart to think about those days. I often hope my mum is with me, when we left the chapel of rest after seeing my mum a white butterfly flew between us and for days after we saw them everywhere we went. Butterflies are spiritual so believe mum is with me whenever I see one. I hope one day our feelings will ease and we can talk about our loved ones with laughter instead of tears. Take care Linda. Always here if you ever need a chat xx

Re: Not coping with the loss of my mum

12 Nov 2018 10:16 in response to Millymoo22

Hi Millymoo,

Thank you for your reply, I think everything we're feeling is normal, its testament to the love we had for our mum's that makes the grief so overwhelming. Strange that the only person that could really make me feel any better isn't here. I'm older at 55 but I feel like a little girl again who wants her mum.My husband tries to comfort me and it upsets him to see me so sad so I try not to talk too much about mum in front of him.

We had a family party yesterday for my great-nephew who was 8, probably a bit noisy for dad!....but good for him to get out of the house and hard as it is, our family are trying to deal with our loss and continue with 'normal' life. Had tears when my neice cooked some cakes that my mum used to make, you can't control it, tears just fall but that's ok. Keep thinking how my mum would be heartbroken to see us all so sad, she would understand but want us to not carry the grief forever. 

I'm the last person to give advice at the moment but please try not to dwell on the days leadng up to your mum's passing, we have to trust that the medical staff knew the best for our mum's but I know it's so difficult.  You are right, we will get to a stage....and there's no timeframe, no right or wrong way, that we will think of our mums with laughter and warm memories....there will probably be occasions of tears still but it will get easier, our mum's spirit will get us there.

Christmas will be a hurdle, we have a lot of 'firsts' to get through, a day at a time.

I hope today is a better day for me and you and your family....take care x

Re: Not coping with the loss of my mum

12 Nov 2018 19:28 in response to Millymoo22

Hi, I totally understand. Christmas brings about so many emotions that it can feel overwhelming. I lost mum in March and her birthday is 22nd Dec so I’m dreading that week. Like you my 6 year old daughter is such a great distraction. Sometimes when I can feel the tears coming she’ll come out with something hilarious and my sadness disappears.

Try not to panic when that feeling comes like you’re going to break down. You’re stronger than you realise. It’s not been long so don’t be hard on yourself. They were such a big part of our lives that it will take time to get used to a life without them.

sending hugs