Together we will beat cancer


My mum passed away

18 Jan 2023 05:55

I am writing this with a heavy heart, my beloved mum passed away yesterday evening after battling bile duct cancer. My heart is in pain. I love her so much and miss her dearly. I feel like no one will understand my pain unless they have experienced losing a parent. I am 31 years old and my mum was 64 years old...her birthday was in 2 weeks time. I know she was being given extra life with the surgery and chemo she was offered, she battled with everything she had until the end. My dad, brother and I were with her in the hospital with her and I was holding her hand. She was my best friend, she always had a story and the best smile. I would do anything to have her back. How do you cope losing a parent? I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense, I can't sleep and thought I would come on here to find some comfort x 

My mum passed away

18 Jan 2023 09:12 in response to Smiless29

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your Mum. I absolutely know and understand your pain. Your not alone with that although every person's journey through grief is unique I can honestly say there are people here including myself that have lost our wonderful Mums and your right that only when you have lost a parent or someone you loved with all your heart can you truly know the pain of others in that situation.

Your Mum was 64, that is so young and your are only 31, life is extremely heartbreaking and I know the fact your Mum passed away at this age will only increase the awfulness of losing her.

I lost my Mum to lung cancer/covid in May 2022 after being diagnosed in January, a few months later my Dad went into hospital feeling unwell and 103 days later of never leaving hospital he passed away of T-Cell Lymphoma/covid in November. My Dad's fineral was 4 days before Christmas. Both passed away in the same covid ward, it was horrific. I'm 48 and my parents were in their 80s so yes I am blessed I had them in my life to this age but it doesn't ever feel ok to lose someone you love with everything you have. I lived/worked with my Mum for 10 years and after this my partner and myself lived with her the last 7 years of her life, I cared for her the last 2 years.

Mum was my best friend, my world. I'm so glad you were also best friends with your Mum because so many people don;t have the close mother/daughter bond. Its precious. The only thing apart from my partner and dog that is keeping me going is the thoughts of what my Mum would say to me if she could. We talked many times before she died about what and how I would cope after she was gone. I feel so guilty now because I said so many times I didn't think I could live without her. My Mum wanted me to continue living and make the best life I could whilst I am here, for her and for me. So I think these words every day, I talk out loud to her every day, I include her in my daily life, the only difference is I can't see her physically which of course is the most devastating part of losing someone, the brutal emptiness without them.

I am also so glad you were with your Mum at the end, holding her hand, as was I. Your Mum would have known somehow you were all there and she was not alone. How do we cope with losing a parent? Oh I wish I could answer this for you. I am 8 months now without my Mum and honestly it is only the last few weeks that grief of losing her, the reality of what it means has just starting to hit me. The first 3 months after she passed away I was completely in denial, numb. Dad went into hospital and I totally focussed on him, pushing the loss of Mum as far back as I could. Now I have nothing to hide behind. I have no one to focus on like before. I am facing Mum's loss in particular now and I think sometimes the grief can take a while to fully start, although its different for everyone. I simply cope because I want to live. There is a small part of me that still hopes for happer times in the future. I still hope to marvel at life, at nature, at living and loving and I know my parenst would want that for me. Also I watched my parents as you did your brave Mum battle and fight (I know lots of cancer patients hate this term but I use it because I really did see my parents battle through their illness, their awful symptoms of cancer, they battled and fought to live, I saw the fight they put up to use every strength they had left, every ounce of determination to stay living) and the courage they showed I feel I need to show the same courage now for them. I'm their daughter and I am determind to keep going however hard it is every day because there is no other option for me, I don't want to go down the other path.

It won't and can't be easy, you have lost your Mum and your best friend. You have also only just lost her so your emotions and feelings will be all over the place. Please give yourself time. Its going to take many months, maybe years to process. I don't believe we ever get over it or move on. We loved them with all our heart and that will never change so the missing them and the pain of living without them will represent the love we felt. I do believe we carry their love and loss, the beautiful memories and the pain hand in hand through our life. It changes us. You need to take time for yourself right now. Keep yourself ok. Don't push yourself to do anything thats not needed right now. Contact Cruse Bereavement if you feel you need to seek extra support, they have daily available telephone support, free and you can also complete a form on their website for one-to-one counselling (telephone usually) and there is a waiting list for that so I would start that as soon as you can if you feel it would help and in the meantime you can use their freephone or online chat anytime.

Please don't feel alone. Anytime you need to talk to people that understand, we are here. You must remember there are so many of us that can reach out and help you in a small way. Again I am so very sorry for your loss and I wish I could say or do something to help with your pain. I miss my Mum so much some days this week I have sat and wondered how to get through the day but I get up and do something; take my dog for a walk, clean, cook, write...anything to distract me for a moment. When the emotion comes I allow it to come out, I can't push it away and I don't really want to. 

Sending you the biggest hug. You were obviously a very loving daughter and your bond will never be broken.

Take care and please keep in touch. Jane x

My mum passed away

18 Jan 2023 21:28 in response to Smiless29

Please reach out and talk to people! I am so sorry for what you are going through , It's so important to talk and not hold your feelings inside! You never get over loosing a parent and it doesn't get any easier, life changes when your parents passes. But you will in weeks , month and years to come move forward. Your mum will want you to live your life like she lived her life and you will not feel it straight away but you will find the strength to get through each day and live your life like your mum would want you to! Please speak to people too you are not alone sending you all my love xx

My mum passed away

26 Jan 2023 20:58 in response to Smiless29

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. I completely understand how you feel, my mum also died from bile duct cancer December '22, she was 69.

For me, the hardest part still is processing the speed of the illness, it was under 6 weeks from any symptoms whatsoever until she passed, we didn't get the diagnosis until she'd gone which in some ways is a blessing because of the stage it was at and the speed it went. Its a very very cruel disease and my experience feels very much like a sudden death rather than watching someone deteriorate for a long period of time, something else I'm also trying to take as a blessing.

Its 6 weeks today since she died and some days it feels like yesterday, others it feels like it's been much longer. Some days I'm absolutely broken and others I can resume a bit more normality. No day is the same but I just keep telling myself my mum wouldn't want me to waste a single day of my life and I'm sure your mum wouldn't want that for you.

Its the hardest thing in the world, it feels like your hearts been ripped out and it truly feels as if no one else can ever have felt this. But none of us are promised tomorrow, we've got to try and live how our loved ones would be telling us to if they could, easier said than done and I think only time, and lots of it, will help with the process x



My mum passed away

29 Jan 2023 23:16 in response to Smiless29

I am so sorry for the heartbreak you must feel and the pain you are going through. There is nothing as difficult to process and come to terms with as the loss of someone you love, especially a mother. Just know I am thinking of you, as are many other people, and she isn't gone, she is still living bedside you everyday and guiding you. You will be with her again one day. Sending you and your family all of my love xxx