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My mum is dying and I'm terrified of losing her

22 Nov 2022 08:42

My mum hid a tumour on her breast for nearly 2 years, didn't tell a soul (she's nearly 81 and I'm 41) from 2020.

I'd got engaged November last year and my parents were thrilled. my mum said she didn't want to worry us or put a dampner on our plans but urged for us to get married within the year and contributed quite a bit,...now I understand why. She just wanted to see me get married...

I got married in Sept this year and she had a funny turn the end of October, sickness and nausea....took her to hospital, expecting maybe covid or a bug, were it all came out about the tumour. She had a biopsy.... Stage 4 breast cancer. Spread to her liver and part of her lung, it was a massive shock, I was mad at her at first for not telling us....then I felt guilt....then sadness and fear

I cannot function... I've now accepted why she didn't tell us and I'm at peace with that. She doesn't want treatment, which we've been told probably wouldn't do much anyway as she's quite frail anyway... We didn't want to know a time frame either, just to enjoy what time we have. I'm terrified of losing her, she's my best friend, were so close and the thought of her not being here, literally makes me go into a panic, is this normal?

I don't show her any of this, I'm normal when I visit,  which is every day, twice a day but I don't know how to cope mentally. I'm scared of seeing her deteriorate, I'm worried about my dad coping. I feel like this isn't normal as I'm a grown woman but she's my mum....

My mum is dying and I'm terrified of losing her

22 Nov 2022 18:51 in response to -foxym-

FOXYM

Hi I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Mums are so precious, and we really do think that they are invincible, that they will be here for us forever. Its only as they get ill that we see them as frail and old, and even coming to terms with that is hard,they seem to just be old,in the blink of an eye. I know its hard when your told your mum doesn't have long, my mum had a stroke ,affected her left side,had falls broke her right wrist hand, and it never set right, so she couldn't do much, plus mum had dry macula diesese of her eyes ,so her sight was not good. My mum was then also diognosed with vascular dementia. Mum had a really bad fall ,fell and broke her back two vertebraes, and her pelvis on the right side spent months in hospital. Was bedridden  ,was allowed to come home, had to pay for carers,mum got so ill,was bleeding from her back passage, had a stool test ,and it came back  with very high markers indicating bowel cancer was highly likely, but mum was too ill to go through and tests or diognosees to be given..My mum then got a chest infection ,so badly, we were told mum was dying ,maybe 3 mths was given.  Mum lasted just  two weeks after . Mum had me and my sister stay with her in mums home ,for two weeks then had to be admitted to hospital . My mum passed away on the 29th September 2022,we laid my mum to rest on the 9th November 2022,my mum was 89 on the 8th August 2022,I  have always dreaded the day I'd lose my mum,I was with my mum when she passed, as I was with my dad in 1995. My husband commited suicide in 1997 I found him ,in the garage ,he did it in his car,not a nice sight. Believe me it has all been so hard,I'm in bits some days,but I keep telling myself life has to go on,some days are better than others,and I got through my dad's and my husbands passing,yes its tough ,but I know in time ill get through losing my mum too,my mum would want me to live my life as best as I can,my mum was in a bad way ,and from what you say,your mum is too,my mum is now  released of all her earthly pain,not being able to walk  or sit in a chair, see the TV, and have the troubled mind because of the vascular dementia  must of been torture for my mum,I miss my mum soooo much  and always will. But my mum is part of me as your mum is part of you no one ,not even an illness or death can take that away from us. That's my way of coping , I keep telling myself this,and it helps me a lot. I also write my feelings down in  poems,I've written some on here. The last one I wrote on here is called Mum. I wrote it 2 days after my mum passed.  I read it out for my mum,at my mums funeral service. 

I pray that you find comfort and im here if you need a friend  I really do understand where your coming from.Sending you a great big  hug . 

 

My mum is dying and I'm terrified of losing her

22 Nov 2022 19:01 in response to Jassoscared

Thank you....

I'm so sorry for all the heart ache you have been through. My heart goes out to you and you sound like an incredibly strong person. Much love to you xxx

My mum is dying and I'm terrified of losing her

23 Nov 2022 16:27 in response to -foxym-

Hi, I'm so sorry for all of you, this is exactly what happened with me and my mum, 32 years ago. She didn't tell anyone, Dad was told "Not to fuss" over it. We lost her just after my 30th birthday. Losing our precious mothers especially as shockingly as this - takes its toll. DO get some help and support -I didn't and it impacted on my life badly. The Macmillan nurses are amazing, accept counselling and CBT and everything they offer you. I finally addressed it all at 41 years old and wished I'd done so sooner. There isn't any way to sugar coat this, it's unfair, cruel, fate is to be reckoned with. I hope you can find some support, sending love and prayers. Xx

My mum is dying and I'm terrified of losing her

23 Nov 2022 16:58 in response to Car25

Hi, thank you for you prayers...

I will get help as I know I'll need it,....did it really help you? And do you ever feel better once they've passed? I'm worried ill just always feel the sadness and loss x

My mum is dying and I'm terrified of losing her

23 Nov 2022 19:00 in response to -foxym-

Well, I had a total breakdown, altho other factors contributed to that as well, and spent 8 days in a psychiatric unit. That was the best thing to happen as I was given a diagnosis, medicine, and 6 months of CBT. Yes that helped enormously, all the anger and rage and injustice has to be let out, I had bottled it up for so long. No, we never "get over" ( I loathe that stupid phrase) this horrible time, but with help we learn how to live through it and with it. Moments such as getting married for a second time, the menopause, all those things we expect our mothers to be there for are very difficult, at 62 now I look at people with their parents still with them and wonder what that's like - my 30th year seems a lifetime ago and on another planet. With support you will carry on, I know at present that seems ludicrous. You'll carry on with people holding you when you need, talking, talking, Christmas is still hard after all these years and yes I do break down sooner or later, and have an afternoon under the duvet with chocolate and the dog! All I can say is in time you will be able to live with this, and you'll be astounded at how strong we can be in such times. Do carry on posting and talking. Sending love xxxx

My mum is dying and I'm terrified of losing her

24 Nov 2022 13:54 in response to -foxym-

hi, Your not alone and im so sorry to hear about your mum. We have just received devestating news that my mums cancer is terninal she has just turned 60 and I am 37. I cannot function, just keep crying but not showing it in front of my mum.I am a single parent of 1 and trying to cope is really difficult. My mum has been mine and my daughetrs rock and the thought of loosing her is devestaing plus shes really scared and doesnt want to leave us. Its so cruel. You only get one mum and you never think that they are not going to be around, heart breaking. 

My mum is dying and I'm terrified of losing her

24 Nov 2022 21:51 in response to -foxym-

Thank you  I do hope your feeling a bit stronger .xx

My mum is dying and I'm terrified of losing her

19 Dec 2022 05:23 in response to -foxym-

Thank you hope your coping better now xxx