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My mum is dying and I'm scared!

11 Nov 2014 23:29
We found out in June this year that my mum had cancer and I was in complete denial! My mum has had chemo and we thought it was positive! The doctor has said my mums chemo is incurable and she has less than a year to live! I had no reaction to this and suddenly a few nights ago I exploded! I wouldn't let go of my mum I was just clinging to her telling her to never leave me! I cannot live without my mum she is the person who holds me together and I'm not coping with all these new feelings. I've never been more scared. Anyone else been in the same situation.

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

12 Nov 2014 00:04 in response to Lisa_1990

I'm in the same situation.

I don't know what you do without your Mum?

I'm trying to build up a network of people who can support Happy

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

12 Nov 2014 00:22 in response to JustKeepSmiling
Hi! I find that crying and screaming sometimes helps me! I just explode but afterwards I feel better for a couple of hours! I dunno if I just want an easy solution but these feelings are awful! It feels so surreal! I have a lot of family and close friends to support me but nothing anyone says makes me feel better and I still feel totally alone!!! Feel free to vent at me! Might help? X

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

12 Nov 2014 08:07 in response to Lisa_1990

Hello Lisa,

Just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you and to JustKeepSmiling at this difficult time.  I lost my Mum last year 5 months after losing my Dad and I can relate to the intense scared feelings you describe. This disease is beyond cruel.  I agree with JustKeepSmiling about trying to have as much support as you can around you. I understand you still feel lonely, I did too, but somehow knowing others were thinking about me helped a bit. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain but I know that is impossible; however this site helped me enormously and I hope that it helps you too.  Spend time with your Mum, and I am wishing you strength. Hope23 x

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

12 Nov 2014 08:33 in response to Lisa_1990

Hi Lisa,

I'm in a similar situation - but in my case I'm the parent with an incurable stage 4 cancer. I was diagnosed just over a year ago and told that I "probably" had between 2 months and a year to live, depending on whether or not my chemo worked. 

A small but significant percentage of people beat the odds and survive longer than predicted. I've coped by concentrating on this fact and doing everything I can to enjoy whatever time I have.

I don't know how my family cope (I've been married for 35 years and have two sons in their twenties) but I've told them not to let my cancer dominate their lives. Easier said than done I know but life goes on and the last thing I want is for them to grieve for me while I'm still alive and kicking!  

Delayed reaction to stressful events is pretty normal, it is how many of us are wired. Bottling things up and internalising our fears does us no good at all, so it is a good thing that you let go in front of your Mum. I'm sure she will understand. 

Many of us come on here to talk about things we feel uncomfortable discussing with our families and friends - I hope you find some practical help and comfort here.

 

Best wishes

Dave


 

 

 

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

12 Nov 2014 09:15 in response to davek
Thank you both very much for your replies Happy I think my mum definitely wants us to carry on living and not count down the days and overtime I think that will happen but right now my dad, my sisters and I are still coming to terms with finally realising what this means! We weren't listening properly before and were in denial! My mum says she doesn't know what to say to us so I'm trying to make it as easy as possible for her by just reassuring her we'll be fine but I don't really believe that! I know nearer the time we will have to discuss certain things and fills me with dread! This page is so good to just get my feelings out. It's almost like a diary! Thankyou again!

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

12 Nov 2014 10:25 in response to Lisa_1990

Hi Lisa 

I can completely relate to what you're going through. My dad is always the first person I tell my news to, go to with a problem etc. He was diagnosed with cancer in January, a few weeks later we were told that it was incurable but they might be able to push it back with chemo, to buy a bit more time. Long story short, 2 different types of chemo later at the start of October we were told the chemo hadn't worked and they were stopping it. 

Monday we were told Dad has just days to live and he is currently in a hospice. 

I have struggled to talk to any of this with family, luckily I have a really good friend who had been amazing. At the start Dad tried to talk about the cancer to me but I would just say I didn't want to. If he spoke to somebody else about it I'd leave the room. From day one I was determined to treat Dad like normal, he said he didn't want to be treated differently. That's how I've gotten through it so far. I know there will be a time for sadness later but right now Dad doesn't need that. I've cried a lot, privately at home. You just have to carry on and be a support to that person. 

I am thinking of you. I hate people saying this to me but keep strong. This forum has been great too. 

Louise x 

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

12 Nov 2014 11:11 in response to LouiseK

Hi Lisa

Denial is a very normal way of protecting yourself from things you can't cope with, it isn't wrong.  I can relate to how scared you are feeling.  I lost my father suddenly last year and although it has been a very long time since I was dependant on him I still felt very scared and didn't know how I would cope without him.

I am so pleased that you have found this forum and are able to express your feelings here.  Sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers, I think.

I know that now you think you won't be able to cope nearer the time but we all have reserves of strength that we never dream of until we are in overwhelming situations.

My thoughts are with you.

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

22 Mar 2015 19:24 in response to Lisa_1990

I'm not sure if you're still commenting on here, I just google searched mum and dying and this came up and i read your post. I just want you to know that your post really touched me and I hope you and your mum and the rest of your family are alright, and to treasure every moment with her. She will be scared and right now you have to be there to try and hold her together. My mum had breast cancer last year and after beating it she now has ovarian cancer and she's to go in for an operation next week. I'm so scared of losing my mum. She keeps me in the dark a lot about what is going on and right now she is away with her friend on a weekend break, and I'm just sitting in our flat alone wondering if this is what I've got to look forward to very soon Sad if you ever want to chat or if anyone does have any words of comfort I'd like to speak to you. I'm 22 and studying at uni at the moment and cannot concentrate on a thing. I wish anyone going through anything similar all the best, particularly yourself. Being given a time limit is awful, I try to rationalise things like everyone has to go at some point and we all have our time on earth and that time must end, but with mums it's different. We want them to be here forever to hold our hands and tell us they will always be there. I'm so sorry for you and your family and I genuinely hope you are coping okay. Please stay strong. 

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

22 Mar 2015 21:59 in response to amyrose15920

lHi I'm sorry to here about your mum and that you are only 22 so young having to deal with this I to am dealing with losing my mum to bladder cancer and like everyone in this situation feel so overwhelmed at the thought of losing her. today I sat in church and felt so lonely like a little girl who wanted her mum beside her to snuggle up next to for her to make it all better yet the reality is I'm 56 and my mum doesn't come.to church she at home suffering in pain and I can't make it better for her as much as I try cancer continues to do what it does take the lives of those we love and life at times makes no sense at all!!!!

And then I remind myself that mum doesn't belong to me she belongs to God that ultimately life is short for all of us we are only a breath away from a father in heaven who one day will reveal the purpose of suffering and the fact that this life isn't what life is about its a moment in eternity ... I don't say any of this to be religious I Say it to bring hope and comfort to those of us who feel hopeless at this time ***** help us all to understand the real meaning of Easter and the hope u bring to life hereafter x

 

 

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

24 Mar 2015 14:49 in response to amyrose15920

mmm

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

24 Mar 2015 19:16 in response to Lisa_1990

i am in the same situation with my dad and not coping well at all i felt the same in denial i really cant stop crying and cant imagine life without him i have found it so very hard watching him suffer i feel like i am in a living nightmare

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

16 May 2015 12:24 in response to wenwoo

I come across this post & made me feel some comfort that im not alone! Im sorry to hear about your families & its heartbreaking! My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer a month ago & we were told last week it was incurable but chemo might help prolong it & shes start chemo next week. I just don't know what to do!  Im so angry, upset & all other emotions. I dont know how im going to cope when she passes & it feels me with dread! I just dont/cant believe its happening! Im 25 with 2 young children & i just dont know how to cope. Shes our world, our everything. Does anyone know how chemo effects people? What to expect? 

Any advice would be greatful. Ive never been through this & have no idea. 

Xxx

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

18 May 2015 15:13 in response to nicolajayne

nicolajayne I feel your pain believe me.  I am in the same situation with my mum.  We knew it wasn;t cureable but we were told they would try and keep it stable... the chemo didn't work for my mum and we were told last Monday that she is now terminally unwell.  I know exactly all the emotions you are going through because I feel them every single day.  I honestly don't know where to turn or how to cope. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach every single minute and that is because I have such dread.  She is coming home from hospital today and in a way I am dreading it because I know in my heart she is coming home to die.  We don't know how long she has left but it is very frightening.

 

Much love

Sue

 

xxx

Re: My mum is dying and I'm scared!

18 May 2015 16:03 in response to suesol68

Try to contact the nearest Hospice to your home or the Macmillan service I have found that both services are very supportive and have valuable information.