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My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

15 Nov 2016 23:23

My mum died of liver cancer 9 months ago. I find each day unbearable and find it harder and harder. I can't sleep at night and break down all the time. I miss her so much and my life feels so empty without her. I have two children and I continue for their sake otherwise I wouldn't have the will to get out of bed each day as I feel so down. 

Does it get easier? because right now, it feels awful.

I keep thinking I need to tell mum this and remember she's gone and breakdown. I see people with their mothers and I envy them.

I feel so alone and helpless. Feel like part of me has died too and I struggle to get back up again.

Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

16 Nov 2016 03:29 in response to Snowflake72555


i am in the same boat as you I lost my mum in august and cannot cope with it At all. I still have times where I just want to ring my mum and tell her if I'm ****** off or just for a chat . It's the little things you sort of took for granted you miss the most don't you think ? I hope things will get easier for you cos this pain is horrible and I myself hope one day things get a bit better. I also have a little girl who keeps me busy but when she is asleep or something it all just hits me I ovs try not to show I'm upset infront of her having children does sort of help.i haven't got much advice myself right now to give you but If you ever need a chat feel free to message me Hun try keep your head up xxx

Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

16 Nov 2016 06:09 in response to Snowflake72555

Hi sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 11 months ago. I miss her so much. It does get easier eventually. Yes I still have wobbles more so when the kids r all in bed as it gives me time to think but I keep my memories alive. She wouldnt want me to be sad and I believe she is watching over me. Things i find hard is when my baby did new things like crawl etc I just wanted to go tell her.

Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

16 Nov 2016 07:16 in response to Snowflake72555

Thank you both for your replies and I hope things get easier for you too. When my mum died, I had a 5 week old baby. My mum desperately wanted to see the baby before she died and she did get to see her but she was too ill to even hold her and didn't have the strength in her arms. Even the photos we took of my mum and baby are not very good as she looks very ill and weak and not how I would like my daughter to remember her grandmother.

I was very ill when I had my daughter, nearly died in the emergency c section and had to spend a month in hospital missing out on precious time with my mother but thankfully I was with her when she died. During that time in hospital, I needed my mum more than anything and it really hit me how alone and cold life is without her. I have a son prior to this baby and my mum helped me bring him up and did everything for him and taught me everything. But for this baby she couldn't do anything. It makes me so sad that my daughter is missing out on so much and my mum cannot pick her up and cuddle her. 

My two kids keep me busy and give me strength to get on with things. But I feel myself breaking down all the time. I just want to talk to mum, ask her advice, hold her and just be in her presence. My husband doesn't really understand and is not very supportive. I think he thinks i should be over it by now but its not something i feel i will ever be over. I have siblings who I can talk to but I feel I am upsetting them more and try to be strong for their sake. I never went a day without seeing mum, how am I meant to go through a lifetime without her? I stay awake for hours in the night thinking and crying. Sometimes I have dreams and wake up thinking she is still alive and want to go to her, then it hits me that she's gone and I breakdown. Time is not making it easier for me, there's more happening that my mum is missing out on like my baby's first words, crawling etc. I can't bear to do birthday parties for my kids as it doesn't feel right coz mum is gone. 

I find it hard going to the graveyard, I breakdown each time I go. I can't believe my mum is there in the ground. Sometimes it feels nice to know she is above me watching over us all and pain-free but I want to reach out and speak to her rather than live this empty life without her.


Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

16 Nov 2016 08:23 in response to Snowflake72555

Hi, sorry to hear about your pain. No, it doesn't get 'easier', your memories don't fade (which is a good thing) and you still remember the good times as well as the bad. Your emotions are something to embrace. Losing one's parents is a path we all have to walk along at some point and we all will handle it differently. No one can understand exactly how you feel, even those who have lost their mum too. If you want to talk to her, then talk to her, aloud, quietly, however you want.

Things are actually as they were before your mum died, except you now have large amounts of wisdom you didn't have before. You have a family to be the best mum ever to. A family who also, will remember you as the fantastic mum that you are! Your life is far from empty what with all the commotion having a young family entails! Wrap yourself in your children and you'll find lots of love in them - do it now before they become grotty teens!

Make sure you're eating healthily even when you don't feel like eating (super important!) and doing some sort of exercise. This will help your body to help you.Spend time with friends / family to keep your social life active and to help ground you - seek out positive people to have fun times with, but also who appreciate you for who you are. Maybe join a club to meet new people. Don't feel guilty if you find yourself not thinking about your mum .

It sounds as if you and your mum had a very close and loving relationship - a special mum/daughter bond that will never be replaced and signals another step forward along your life path that you have to take. You wrote about the trouble and pain you suffered after having your last child and that you braved through it. Clearly you can deal with more than you actually realise!

Also, one thing which is really interesting to me: there's a branch of science (quantum physics) which calculates that there may be an infinite amout of parallel worlds filled with all of us where every possible difference exists - and stephan hawkings believes in this. e.g. did you put on a blue jumper today? Well in another parallel world, you actually put on a different coloured top. Did you rush to the shop to get some milk? In another parallel world, you rushed, tripped and fell in a muddy puddle! And because there are so many parallel universes, that means there are many, many of them that still have your mum in them, and she's still spreading her love to you and everyone else. So that's something to be happy about!

Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

16 Nov 2016 13:47 in response to Snowflake72555

I find it hard with the first milestones. My little one is 18 months now and Im so grateful my mum got nearly months with him. Like u I saw my mum every day . I dreamt once that she phoned me it felt so real as if I heard her voice. X

Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

16 Nov 2016 14:48 in response to Cuddlybunny

I wish I could have a dream like that and where she guides me or speaks to me. Most of my dreams are about going to the hospital with her for tests and they tell me she's going to be OK.  I wake up so excited and full of hope only for my world to crash down again to realise that she's already gone 

Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

16 Nov 2016 14:52 in response to markmark

Thank you for your comforting words, they mean alot. Everyday just feels dark and empty. I know I should be thankful for my children but I want to share the time with my mother and feel it has been cruelly taken away from me

Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

25 Nov 2016 21:59 in response to Snowflake72555

My mum hasn't got long left only found out the other day , I am not dealing with it at all if my kids and husband weren't with me don't think I be here, I do angry all the time and crying can't sleep , eat just can't bear the thought of saying goodbye to my best friend my mum xx

Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

25 Nov 2016 22:44 in response to Snowflake72555


my mum died nearly six months ago. I spent months before she died grieving for her and losing my mind every now and then. When she did go I was ok after the funeral for a couple of months but now I'm finding it hard and I know it'll probably get worse. I've been signed off sick from work because I can't get up in the morning, take the kids to breakfast club and get to work without feeling stressed. I also found myself doing the usual routine but what I needed to do was cry when I woke up - because every morning my mum is the first thing I think about. Sorry to go on, I just wanted you to know that I do know what you're going through. It's horrible, our lives have changed but everything else stays the same but we need to find a new way of living without our mums.

take care and feel free to message if you want to chat x

Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

26 Nov 2016 06:51 in response to Ninar76


the posts I've read this morning make me feel so very sad. 

I lost my beautiful Mum in September 2016. She was only 56; she died from a rare form of lymphoma, which started on her brainstem. It was heartbreakingly destroying to see her suffer the way she did. My love for her multiplied as I watched her battle with all the strength she had. I am completely distraught by her death. 

I have days where I think I'm coping but most of my days I feel completely useless. I'm currently off work too as I can't function in the morning.

Our normal has completely gone and I'm struggling to even think that I can cope without her xx 


Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

27 Nov 2016 20:12 in response to Snowflake72555

hey Snowflake72555

I lost my mum exactly 2 months ago, so I know how you feel. My mum and I were very close. And I wish she could call me again. My mum was only 47. I know that age doesn't matter because we will miss our loved ones no matter if they are 47 or 97 ... 
I was told that it does get easier. I don't know when or how it will happen. But most probably it is different for everyone. 
I keep saying that I have my good days and my bad days. There are days when I smile, but then there are days when I cry myself to sleep. 

If you ever feel like you want to talk to someone, you can message me. I am not the best advice giver.. but I can try. 
For now, please, stay strong and take care of yourself! x

Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

28 Jun 2017 08:53 in response to Snowflake72555

sorry for your loss

Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

19 Aug 2017 20:31 in response to Snowflake72555

I've lost my mother to liver cancer too June 2017 it helps to know I'm not the only person in the world (that is how Ive been feeling) to have these unbearable feelings.


Re: My mum died and I can't cope with the loss

29 Aug 2017 16:59 in response to Snowflake72555

Hi everyone, I know exactly how ye all feel. I lost my mother a month ago to ovarian cancer at the age of 55, I myself am only 28, I am devastated beyond words. I myself have two kids and I have to be strong for them, other than that I wouldn't know how to go on. Everyday I pick up my phone to ring her and tell her something and then reality hits like a tonne of bricks, yesterday my eldest boy started play school. It was a happy but very emotional day as my mam was so looking forward to seeing him. She cherished my kids. They were her world. We used to talk everyday atleast five times and now its gone to zero. I feel as though my heart is broke in two. I miss her so much. I miss seeing her everyday. I miss every little small thing she did. She was diagnosed in march and passed away in august. She was bed bound. Her life turned upside down in the blink of an eye. It killed me to see her so sick. No one should have to bury their mam in their twenties