My beautiful, sweet, kind and amazing mother passed away five days ago. It still doesn't feel real, despite doing very difficult things like organizing the funeral etc.
She had been in and out of hospitals for three years due to two broken legs, breast cancer, COPD and finally metatastic lung cancer. But she was fiercely independant and strong. She never complained about being stuck in a hospital for months at a time. She listened to her radio where they played news and current events all day. And she also read news magazines and crime novels.
She always got better and then went home. But when she went into the hospital for the last time in the middle of December she just kept getting more bad news. But she was fighting through it. Then when she was in the rehabilitation centre in March she fell and broke her leg, so it was back to the hospital again. She was stuck wearing a giant boot and had to keep both legs in a weird position while the leg healed. Sadly, she was never able to move her legs again.
But through everything, she was always in good spirits. Sometimes I would get to the hospital to visit and she'd be discouraged and fed up. But after I'd visit for a while she always felt better! Even after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis in February, she was still optimistic that it could be treated to slow it down. She still believed she was going home. Despite not being able to walk.
We all felt hopeful. Or maybe we were all living in denial because it was too painful to accept. I cried for a month when she got the terminal diagnosis. But after that, I stopped thinking about it because she seemed to be doing so well! We'd have good conversations at the hospital. Normal visits. We never, not even once, talked about her illness. Or about the future. Or about what her wishes were. It was all too morbid and it seemed more important to just enjoy each others company. And she never complained about any pain.
I honestly thought we'd get a couple more years together. But three weeks ago she took a sudden bad turn and ended up in the ICU on a respirator. I thought she was going to die. The doctors implied that they would be removing the ventilator in 24 hours and she would die. It was horrific. It was also weird, because the first couple of days when she was on the ventillator she was still alert and trying to talk to us. But it was hard to understand her with the mask. But after 4 or 5 days she seemed to get a lot weaker and mostly had her eyes shut. When she spoke I couldn't understand what she was saying at all. She even became completely non responsive and unable to eat or drink. I thought she was dying. Yet, the doctors and nurses said that her vital signs were good and that they were weaning her off the bipap machine. It was the worst roller coaster ride of my life.
She spent ler last week of life in the palliative care section in the same hospital. The doctors made it clear to her that she was dying. It was awful, because my mom could fight through anything. If there was a chance that she could be treated and go home, she'd still be alive and fighting! But they gave her nothing to hope for. So she gave up. We had one great day on Mother's Day where she seemed almost back to normal again and we thought she'd continue to improve. Once again, I felt like we'd have more time together. I was now just hoping for weeks, rather than months or years. But I'd take what I could get. I never dreamed that I'd lose her just four days later!!!
We have a tiny family. She raised my sister and I on her own. She had no siblings. All her family is dead. Some distant relatives live abroad. I'm left with my sister and her 3 children as the remaining family I have in this world.
The only thing keeping me from losing it completely is knowing that she is now free. No more problems. No more breathing difficulties. No worries at all, ever again. The last time we spoke she told me that she was worried about leaving me. She knew that I'd be pretty much alone without her. But I told her that I'd be ok. That I just wanted what was best for her. I didn't want her suffering any more, especially not just for my sake.
