My husband died on March 1st and I'm still strugglng.

My husband was 78 in January and we'd been together for thirty years. We did everything together. He'd lost weight over the past year and the GP finally sent him for a gastroscopy and CT scan. They found oesophagitis and a shadow on his lung that they said was adencarcinoma but as it had been discovered early would be no problem to surgically remove. Despite having COPD and three previous heart attacks, and being underweight, they decided he was strong enough so he had a partial lobectomy on 29th November last year. It was successful and he was recovering when they sent him home with 2 portable drains (as the lung collapsed). Then he had a heart attack at home and went back to hospital in an ambulance for an emergency angioplasty to unblock a stent. Whilst he was recovering from this, he had a cardiac arrest on Xmas morning. They gave him CPR and he came home on 2nd January. He had a constant cough and very poor appetite so was also very weak and couldn't do much for himself so I cared for him. By the time he had to go to his outpatient's appointment for the lung surgery, he couldn't even stand and had stoped eating altogether so they kept him in hospital and I was told he had Aspergilloma, a fungus ball inside the cavity. He received treatment but died in the early hours of March 1st. On his death certificate they put Aspergilloma and Carsinosarcoma (resected Nov 2017), Ischaemic heart diseas and COPD. Carsinosarcoma had never been mentioned before and I am waiting to discuss this with someone. Really, it came as a shock because I thought he was getting better. They were feeding him through a tube, so he should have been getting nourishment, but he ended up dying because he couldn't breathe. I was with him an hour or so before he died and he told me to go home, that he wanted to sleep. He managed to tell me he loved me. I went home because it was after midnight and very bad weather conditions, and I wanted to sleep before I came back to hospital the following day. Had I known he was going to die, I'd never have left him. I am so puzzled. Where did the Carsinosarcoma come from? Where did the Apsergilloma come from? Why didn't I realise how near the end he was? I keep wanting to do things over again differently but I know I can never do that. I do have family close enough to support me but I prefer my own company. We didn't socialise very much, preferring to do things together, just the two of us. I miss him so much.

  • Hi Silva... I'm so sorry, and my heart goes out to you ... it's never easy loosing someone we love, no matter what their age ...

    But what I would say is he must have been so tired ... of treatment, of pain, and when he just wanted to sleep... it sounds to me, like he was ready .... there's times we have to let go ... he will be there waiting for you when it's your time ... and seeing those we love in pain over and over is overwhelming. . Hopefully, knowing he's out of pain now may ease things a tad ...

    I'm so glad you've got family ... try to let them in and they will help you through this raw time ... esp grandchildren ... l so wish we had a way round those first raw months ... but it's the price we pay for loving someone special in our lives ... but know all the feelings you will go through is a normal part of grieving ...  l still look up at night, and talk to my loved ones up there ...  

    So all l can do is send you a big vertual hug ... there are others on here who have lost loved one recently. . I'm sure it would bring you comfort to chat to them ... Chrissie

  • Dear silva

    So sorry for your loss , my husband has a few weeks to live and we also did eberything together, 29 years we have been together , he is my rock, life and soul and no matter how many people you have around you , its only the partner who is left who can deal with it, i am already feeling this, god help me for what i  about to go through, i hope i can come out the other end, god bless you , stay strong.

  • I am so sorry for what you must be going though. I did not realsie how close to the end my husband was until too late. I hope the weeks left to you both will allow you to say all those things to each other that I now wish I'd though to say. It is getting easier. I can talk about him now without breaking down and I am remembering all the good times. Stay strong yourself and you will get there. Lots of love to you.

  • Thank you. Your words are very comforting and have helped. I think you are right, he was tired of it all and so ready to go.