Hi greeneyes

I am sorry to read about your boyfriend.I throught that i would say hello because i can totally understand why he feels the way he does.Cancer sucks ,it makes you sad ,it makes the people around you sad and you dont want that ,so the simplist solulition is to put distance between you and the ones that you care about but it is not a good solution.

It is not surprising that he is depressed and stessed-frankly i think that it would be more worrying if he wasnt as it is very hard to go back into treatment-it can feel like by a miracle the noose broke the first time but they are going to have another go.

It has taken me a long time to  come close to accepting  that while it is up to me how i deal with my cancer it is up to those i care about to deal with it as they see fit not just how i think is best for them.I am sure that he thinks that he is protecting you  and perhaps that he does not want to you see  the grimest  physical aspects of the path he is on. There is the other aspect that if you are in your own little bubble of independence you do not have to look in other peoples eyes- it makes it more real and of course no one wants to be pityed but if you cut yourself off it is lonely.

You are not doing anything wrong and are clearly doing all that you can for him.I cannot tell you what the right thing to do is but perhaps you need to tell him what you want.If you want to be with him even with all life has thrown at you then it is about you as well.The rules for a normal relationship are different  and it becomes hugely important to communiate with each other as good intentions are not always enough.

If you are going to stay perhaps you could  tell him what you need eg to hear what is going on and ask him to tell you what help he would be prepared to accept and then perhaps concentate on good things you can do because there will be good things even if it is  just going for coffee or a juice or a walk to the end of the street.

I have always through that the carers role is harder than that of the person who is sick.They have to accept that they cannot always fix things  and when they are trying  to help  it will   not  be made any easyer if  the sick person refuses to accept what they seem to so clearly need  eg food in the house,laundrey ect but  usually these things are not the end of the world if they get screwed up and it matters a lot if you do them when you are sick as you want to maintain your independence as long as you can.For what it is worth( even if it dosent make much sense) i find it easyer to  try something and fail and then accept help that i could have taken earlyer.I think that for me, it is because part of the challenge of ill health is that you are not living the life that you throught you would have.

I will stop rambling on

Best of luck to you both

Hi

Am so sorry you find yourself in the supporting role. I am in the same position though married. Believe me he must know you are there for him but is probably finding it hard to deal with (aren't we all). There are not rules of right or wrong where cancer is concerned and my hubby refuses to talk about it with me as he loses control emotionally and I get really frustrated as I would like to pass on the advice I have received on here. A friend of mine has been fighting cancer for 17 years (I dont know where she finds the strength) but she said she pushed her partner away because it made it easier for her to cope. Hoping you find some help by being able to express yourself through the forum and hope that in time your bf 'lets you back in'.  Regards Jules

Hi greeneyes

I just read your post and I wanted to say hello and give you some support.  Everyone's reaction to diagnosis the first time is different, let alone diagnosis when remission ends and the whole scary journey starts again.  Men, on the whole, are so stoic and silent that it can make our role as female carer/supporter very hard.  I am lucky that my husband has pulled away from me only a few times.  I do know that when he goes sullen and silent I need to bide my time (but that's because we've been married 35 1/2 years so we know each other through and through).   The boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is so very, very different - as you know only so well.

On the "helping out" front, the only thing I can suggest is you maybe cook a meal or two, even dish them up on plates and cover them with clingwrap and just put them in his fridge and mention briefly you've popped a couple of meals in the fridge in case he doesn't feel like cooking.  I know Ian and I are really uncomfortable with asking for help (being two very independent people who have been givers rather than takers all our lives).  I am sick to death of people saying "If there's anything you need, just ask."  Just once a friend said "I'm bringing round a meal for you both" and did so.  Then she spoilt it by saying when we wanted another we must ask.  Silly of us, I know, but we couldn't ask - the spontaneous gift of a meal was lovely.

That's the only thing I can think of Greeneyes.  My days of being a girlfriend are so far behind me I can't remember  

All the very best for the very difficult journey you are both on....

Lorraine

Thank you so much for your replies. It made me cry to find people who understand. I can't talk to my friends about the situation since they have started to look at me like I have grown three heads and gone insane. To be honest, most of them told me that they would have taken up his offer to walk away guilt free. I never even considered doing that and now, I find that I have very little respect for my friends. It makes me feel lonely on top of the panic and confusion I feel when I try to get my head around the situation. I feel like I have no support at all from my own so-called 'support network'. It's actually what put me in a panic about my bf. I don't want him to take my 'giving him space' as my withdrawing from him and not giving him support. I read a few stories how people feel so alone and not supported by family and friends. I don't want my sweetheart to feel that I'm doing that to him. It's just so hard...everything is hard and my emotions are up and down and I know that his must be even more crazy! And when I do see him, I can see how tired he is and how sore he is. But commenting on it gets me a glare.

Thank you for helping me try to understand and see what is going on with my bf. He is very strong-willed and I know that he does want to protect me from the realities of what he is going through. He's told me that every time we touch on the 'big c' in conversation (which is almost never). It's just very hard to sit back and watch from the sidelines (after being right next to him before) while he goes through this. He has no family here so I know that he will be doing most things by himself...alone. That worries me. Everything worries me. He sees me worried and then he gets upset which is the last thing I want which just gets me more stressed. He told me it's harder for him to see the people he cares about upset than it is to go through the treatment!! He certainly doesn't want me to cry. He keeps telling me that I am his girlfriend and not his nurse and that hospice will give him a nurse. Which just scares me because I don't know if he's telling me that's how bad the diagnosis is or if he is being fatalistic.

I thank you for the suggestion of cooking a meal since I have wanted to do it a thousand times or more...EACH DAY! But it would be inappropriate at this stage of his treatment. His esophagus is blistered so he isn't eating solids any more. I stopped cooking when he told me that he couldn't manage to eat solids any more. I did make smoothies etc. but I'd be throwing them out when I replaced them with new ones. I feel so useless and helpless.

I will try very hard to keep doing what I'm doing. I will try to talk to him when he is in a better mood as much as I don't want to ruin his mood.

Thank you so much for the kind words. I think that I've reread them all at least 10 times already and I'll be reading them again after I post this. Your kindness and advice is appreciated from the bottom of my heart.

Hi Greeneyes,

This is a very miserable period for you and I feel for you. Come, dry those eyes, take a deep breath (swear if it helps) and then replay the good things in your life in your head and smile at the memories.The man you love is still inside the hurting body and he has to come to terms with things just as you do.Men and women nearly always deal with things differently. My hubby says god gave us two ears and only 1 mouth so I should listen more and talk less!!! All those that chat on here understand both sides of this story and havevarious ways of dealing with the hatred of the cancer and the way it makes you feel, the frustration is the worst. I often feel helpless and then selfish because I can enjoy food and my hubby cant. He envies me when I play with our grandson but how can I stop doing this - a four year old does not understand. Your bf is probably very aware of your feelings and possibly does not even understand his own feelings at the moment. Learn what you can through this site, store it up and when he allows you to talk freely feed the information/support little by little.  By the way your friends will no doubt eventually be there for you too - they just learning how to deal with what you are going through. It is very important that you have some ME TIME and for him to have some space  so please look after yourself as well. Regards Jules

As someone newly facing this same situation, I'm curious how your situation turned out. Would you mind sharing?