Hi CAE,

What a nice way to start off your thread. I joined this site in May last year and have made contact with some wonderful people during the last few months. I have heard some very sad stories and some tremendously inspirational ones as well. I am glad that reading some of them has prompted you to join.

Anyway welcome to this great forum and thank you for telling us about your mother and her cancer and how you are struggling to cope. One thing I have learned since joining is that cancers sticky spiders web soon envelops the whole of the family and close friends as well. One thing stands out in your post and that is the love you have for your mother.  Another thing is that it I often feel it is harder for the family of the patient as we are trying to appear strong and supportive while inside we are falling apart. As you say feeling every different emotion that's possible. What you say about your daughter never getting to know your mother hits home with me. for when my mother was in hospital slowly slipping away about seven years ago with breast cancer which had spread to her brain, she never got to hold my youngest grandson as he was born with problems and was in and out of hospital himself. I told her about him but I know she would have loved to hold him, even if only for a few moments.

I am so pleased you have family to support you  but I would just say, if you can, tell them how you feel and shere your feelings with them. So many famalies dont do this as they feel by telling others how they feel, it only increases thier own worries but I think that if you can do this they in turn will open up to you. They do say a problem shared is a problem halved and I think applies so much to the situation you are in.

But if you cant do this, please came back here as many times as you want.That's why this site is so good for people on here know what a painful time you are going through and we will do all we can to help. Please keep in contact, Best wishes to you and your family, Brian

Hello Brian,

Thank you so much for your reply, and your kind words.  I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother, and wanted to say thank you for sharing some of your experience and grief in helping others (I saw you have written messages of support to many on here)

Your words about the impact on family, and how they have to juggle emotions with staying strong, really sum up how I feel at present - then there is the whole thing of feeling guilty that I am even thinking about how I feel or the impact on me, when this is about Mum.  But when you love someone so much, it's like you feel their pain and at the moment a lot of my anguish is because I would do anything to mean Mum does not have to go through this.

I have made a pledge today that I have to focus on the positives - I really do not know what the outcome will be, I have so many questions and have to work out the appropriate way of asking them without causing extra worry or pain for my parents.  I know pancreatic cancer is notoriously difficult to treat, let alone cure, but maybe Mum will be the exception -  someone has to be in that small percentage of survivors after all so why not her???!!!

But there are other positive things to do - I am currently planning how regularly I can get up to see my Mum (she lives over 3 hours away from us) and am thinking of things we can do, whilst all the time knowing that this has to fit in with her treatment and how she is feeling.  I just want to make sure I get the balance right between spending time with her, but respecting her feelings and wishes, and of course her need to spend time with others, or even alone.  I am sure this won't be easy, but want to focus on this right now.

I say again that I am lucky that I have a very close family (we are quite a small family, but those of us that there are have always been close) and they are all being brilliant in letting me talk - my brother is dealing with it in a  different way, but he lets me talk as much and as often as I need to.  And as for my husband, well I could go on and on about him, but suffice to say I am not sure where I would be without him.  But to know there is this forum, and to see how open, honest and supportive people will be here is a real blessing as well, and I will definitely be staying on touch over the next weeks and months.

Many thanks again, and all the very best to you as you continue to cope with your loss.

Hi CAE

Have read your post about your mums diagnosis and wish you and the family all the best and lots of strength to cope  with her cancer journey. It sounds as though a treatment plan is already in place with the chemo so the best suggestion I can give is for you to take it one day at a time so you dont get too bogged down with what ifs and worry unnecessarily (easier to say than to put in practice I know).  My hubby was diagnosed with an incurable cancer last February and if I was honest I did not believe he would be here now but he is and following his chemo to help control the growth, he is now putting a bit of weight back on and coping on pain relief which I find amazing.  This is why I say concentrate on the now and as you have a lovely close family you will travel the road together.  This forum as you have read and  as Brian has also mentioned, is a great way to air your feelings and views with people who understand. Its also worth writing  down any questions you may have and then at the right moment you can ask for answers.  Wishing you all a good outcome to the chemo and do remember as well as your Mum all the family need to look after themselves.Continue to drop into the site whenever you feel like it' there is always someone out there happy to chat.  Dont forget too that you can tell your daughter all about the fantastic Mum you have, she may not fully understand now but it will help you to talk to her and gives you something to focus on. My grandson is 4 and has kept us all amused during the past year.

Take care Jules54

Ho CAE,

Thank you for your lovely reply. Your pledge to focus on the positives remind me of a lovely lady on here who write under the name of Angelinthemaking. If I remember right, she keeps a gratitude diary, where she writes down positive things that happen to her each day. Sometime we focus too much on what went wrong so I loved her idea.

I am glad Jules has also made contact with you as she is a lovely person and always manages to write so well. I like your positive attitude and I am sure this will be a great help to you over the next few months. Take care, Best wishes Brian.

Hello Jules,

Thank you for your lovely reply, it really does help to hear other's stories and know that we are not alone in coping with these ordeals.

I am sorry to hear about your husband's cancer, and the fact that it has been diagnosed as incurable - but to hear that and know he is not only still here, but also getting stronger is fantastic news, and a massive boost - I am sure you feel the same, and long may that good news continue.  You are absolutely right to say to focus on the here and now, as at the beginning you never expect there to be any good news, but your husband's case proves that to be wrong, and somehow puts the idea of good news in a diferent perspective which is also something you cannot imagine when faced with something like this.  I hope that all makes sense!

Thank you for your words about my daughter - along with my fear for what my mum will endure in the coming weeks/months, that really has been the hardest thing to cope with - of all the painful thoughts, it really is the one that gets me most.  I am naturally someone who cries as a coping mechanism, but the thought that my daughter might not grow up knowing my mum is unthinkable - but you are absolutely right that should the worst happen (and I know it may not!) then I will be able to help her know my mum in other ways.

My family will all draw strength from each other in this, and for that I know I am lucky.  And we will all look after each other - my Dad is struggling to shake off a chest infection which developed from a series of colds over the Christmas period, and he has not been sleeping well since my Mum's diagnosis.  So we are all now rallying round to ease some of the current pressure on him so he can concentrate on getting better.  It just goes to show how important it is that we all look after ourselves, as what good are we if we get poorly too?!

I will be dropping into the site, and thank you again for taking the time to write.

Wishing you all the very best and keeping everything crossed that your husband's current progression continues.

Catherine x

I thought I would just post an update.

After a couple of horrible days of pledging to be positive, but pretty much failing miserably, I took a spur of the moment trip up to Mum and Dad's.  Work were brilliant and just told me to do what I needed to do!

It was wonderful - a chance to talk things through properly, and (quite selfishly) a chance to have them all to myself for just one day.  My mum amazed me, apart from the fact that she looks and feels absolutely no different (how can this be if she has something that is apparently so nasty?), she was so together.  She is realistic about what might happen, but so controlled with her emotions and outlook.  I just couldn't fall apart any more knowing she is being like that, and she has given me emotional strength.  I just hope I did the same for her.

My Dad was perhaps more of a worry - he is not well himself, so we are packing him off back to the GP, as until he feels better, I think he is going to struggle to come to terms with things. I'm currently looking into sources of emotional support for him (outside of family and close friends)

My Mum had her first course of chemo today - I will be ringing shortly to see how it went and am keeping everything crossed.

Thinking of everyone else who is supporting loved ones through this horrible disease, and hoping you manage to find opportunities to have those wonderful, impromptu times like I had yesterday.

Catherine xx

Hi Catherine

Sounds like you had a really good day and it has helped immensely. Sometimes it is better to take that trip and see for yourself how things are and not at all selfish. Never easy to judge how people are coping when you talk on the phone. As times goes on I find that I draw strength to cope, sometimes without even realise I am coping until I am through a particular blip (strangely whilst coping with the cancer journey of my husband I seem less able to cope with some every day problems which once upon a time I would sale through). Suppose you can only take on so much stress and you have to pidgeonhole parts of your life to cope with others. Hope this ramble makes sense. Do hope you can find the support locally for your Dad and also that Mum does okay on the chemo.  Wishing you all the best of luck. Jules

Hello Catherine,

Glad you spent a lovely day with your Mum and Dad yesterday.  I can really relate to what you say about having 'wonderful, impromptu' times with your Mum.  For me (I lost my Dad to Oesophageal Cancer last June) it was these times that really helped me to stay strong for my Dad - and he for me (and all of us).  I hope everything went ok for your Mum with her chemo today.  Katielouie x 

Hi Jules and Katielouie,

Thanks both for your replies.

Katielouie. we haven't been in touch before, but thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me and so many other people on here, and still share your experience to help others.  I am so sorry for your loss, but think it is a fantastic thing to do to use this site to give support to others going through the same thing.

Mum's first lot of chemo went well, as well as something like that can.  She was comfortable during the treatment, and felt at ease with everything they did and told her, and so far, the side effects have been minimal, but we know it is only very early.

I guess with cancer that you hold onto every positive, but they have now told her that although surgery was ruled out at the begining, there is a possibility that if the chemo works well, that it might become an option.  I am trying to keep this bit of news in perspective, but it has given me a much needed boost.

Jules - something you said to me in your first message was about how I could help my daughter get to know my mum now, so I have been making sure I either show her a photograph or just tell her something about my mum every day.  Thank you for the advice, as this is helping ease some of the sadness I felt about this particular part of the situation.

Thank you again and all the best to you both,

Catherine x

Hi

Great to read that your Mum coped well with the chemo. Fear of the unknown before that first treatment leaves you wondering what the hell is going to happen.  I went with my husband the first time so that I knew what happened and though it was a long day sitting around (his took 6hrs infusion on the day ward). I felt so much better knowing what was happening to him.  For subsequent treatments he went by himself as I was working and he said he could sleep if I was not there. He drove himself and was fine during the procedures and that put our minds at rest.  It was good news for  you/her too that surgery may become an option at a later date if all goes well.  All those little positive lifts help you cope. Thank you for commenting about my suggestions re your daughter and your Mum. Children seem to adapt so much better than adults and adjust much quicker to changing surroundings. Our grandson visited today and we watched him build a snowman in our back garden with his Dad and with such cold temperatures think he may hang around for a while. We also had a fox visit at 11 a.m. and he was rolling around in the snow - lovely.  Do hope your Mum continues to cope well. Take care Jules