Hi Shirley,

First and foremost, I see that this is your first post to the forum, so a very warm welcome to Cancer Chat.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis. It is impossible for any of us to say exactly how long she  has left, as we haven't met her, or seen any of her medical records. It is not an easy diagnosis to come to terms with. Perhaps if you had a talk with her consultant he might be able to tell you more?

Instead of trying to deal with the bigger picture, wich is almost impossible to do, why not try to take things day by day, or even hour by hour if need be? This is when we really realize how precious time is. Instead of worrying about what lies ahead, try to make memories with your mum. Show her how much you love her, take care of her needs and ensure that she is as comfortable as possible, ensure that her medication is managing her pain well enough, etc.

Are there any things that she would like to do, or people who she might like to see? If so, perhaps you could arrange this? .How does she pass her time? Does she like reading or music? Again, books can become too heavy to hold and eyesight can be a problem, as can tiredness and concentration, but perhaps you could read to her for short spells? If music is her love , perhaps you could download some of her favourite music? If there is anything that has been left unsaid in her lifetime, now is the time to set things to rights.

My own mum had breast cancer, which she had for 12 years. She was told that she had metastases in her final year. At this stage it had spread to her brain, bones, liver and lungs and it was heart-breaking to see her decline so quickly in her final year.That was 20 years ago, and I still miss her every day.

Treat each day as a special day, as if it were her last. That way you'll have no regrets about what you didn't do. As she gets nearer the end, she may not be able to do much and neither will you, but you are doing all you can, by just being there for her.

I am glad to hear that you have the McMillan nurse coming to the house. They are really excellent. She might be able to give you an idea of how long your mum has left too. Don't hesitate to ask her any questions you need an answer to. Quite often, doctors won't tell you the prognosis in detail, unless you ask them for it and seem able to take the answers. This is because people react differently to the question 'how llong?' -  some people want to know everything and others just don't want to know.

Don't for one minute believe that you or your mum are frauds for walking into the hospice. Many people drive themselves back and forth for as long as they are able.The important thing is, how did your mum find her visit?

I hope that you manage to get some indication of the time frame, but do try and put a more positive slant on things and you will find it easier to accept. Do you have any family or friends who can help you to get through this?

Please stay in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you, whenever you want to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

I am thinking of and praying for you both.

Thank you so much for your lovely comments my mum is so positive in everything and that's what makes it harder for me to accept.  today  I took her back where she grew up for her to see her friend, and next weekend we are doing something else.  From tomorrow I wont be working because the time with mum is precious.   It's just coming to terms with it that I'm finding difficult.  Thank you. 

Hi Shirley,

These are exactly the sort of things that you should be doing while you can. Some cancers are so aggressive that we don't get time to come to terms with things before our loved ones pass. This sounds awful, but I'm sure that you will understand where I am coming from when I say that,  you will gradually see your mum deteriorate to a stage where you feel that she might be better off in the next world. Between now and then, you will also gradually come to accept her diagnosis.

Your mum must be a very strong lady when she can stay so positive in the midst of all this. I am glad to hear that you won't be working from tomorrow. This will give you all the time you can possibly have to be together, so make the most of it. This is a harrowing time and, it is you who have to be the stronger person for your mum. That strength will materialise from somewhere - it always does.

I am thinking of you both and praying that this extra strength and acceptance come soon.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi 

I am so sorry to hear about your dad, my thoughts are with you.  I do understand and I am trying to spend as much time with my mum as possible and try and giver everything she wants.  Thank you so much. 

Shirley x 

Thank you so much for your kind words x 

Welcome to the forum Milasha although I'm sorry to read that your husband has been diagnosed with lung cancer.

The forum is a place where members offer each other emotional support. They are not medically trained so will be unable to answer your question but the medical team that are looking after your husband will be able to tell you what treatment is suitable for him so do make sure you have a chat with them to find out what options are available if you haven't done so already.

Best wishes to you both, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator