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Lost without my mum

13 Sep 2018 06:27

Hi everyone, I've posted on here a few times since my wonderful mum passed in July of breast cancer, she was 80,a good age I know and she had put up a good fight against this disease for nearly 42 years but it won in the end, I've managed to cope pretty well but it's my birthday on Saturday and it's hit me like a ton of bricks that she won't be here to celebrate it with me, its also her birthday the following week, I miss her so much, her advice and just talking to her and seeing her everyday, this week all I think about is her, I go to bed with her on my mind and wake up with her on mind, all I see in my head is the frail, thin, confused, version of mum, a shadow of the person she used to be, we were very close as I'm the baby of the family and the last to leave home, as my father died when I was 15,over 30 years ago, so it was just me and my mum together, we did so much together, sometimes I feel like I just want to join her, so many things were left unsaid as in the end she was very confused and delirious and had terminal agitation, just looking at her picture sends me into floods of tears, how do you get through these special days like birthdays, Christmas without your mum with you. Thanks x

Re: Lost without my mum

13 Sep 2018 16:56 in response to Dickydido

Hi. I'm so sorry that your birthday is so close to having lost your mum. Two months isn't very long at all, and I can imagine how sad and missing her you must feel. I lost my mum in May and just celebrated my birthday on Monday, so I can relate. My mum was 79. We were close, we didn't talk every day, but I visited her weekly and we got along really well. Although I've had two more months than you to grieve, it certainly did not make my birthday easy. I knew that I couldn't go out and celebrate with friends like I normally would. Most people expect you to just carry on in life, just get on with things. And while life does continue on - we can't stop that - a part of us dies with our mum. It's more a matter of carrying on in a new life where we are now different people than we were before. 

Having said that, our birthdays are a very special time. Our mothers gave birth to us, and so our day is actually special for them and us. My mother loved telling me about my day of birth, every year - what time I was born at, what she'd been doing that day! 

My mum loved me to be happy, and loved hearing about my good experiences in life. So I decided to make my birthday a very special birthday where I spoiled myself!!! It was ALL ABOUT ME this year. I even baked myself a birthay cake - one that she would have loved!!! My boyfriend and I spent a night in a chalet in the woods with a hot tub, went out for a nice meal, went on hikes and even went swimming in a lake! My mum was in my mind almost the whole time, but I just kept trying to have a nice time because that is what she would have wanted. 

When I got home I wrote her a long letter telling her how nice my weekend was. It gave me the small feeling that we were still talking to each other and it lifted a bit of the weight that was on me. 

So just try and make your birthday special, as hard as it will be, because your mum would want to be there celebrating with you.

All the best

Re: Lost without my mum

13 Sep 2018 16:57 in response to Dickydido

Hiya, 

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum, getting through special occasions without people close to us is one of the hardest things to go through, I havent lost my mum but I was very close to my grandma who we lost to cancer, she fought it too like your mum but also like your mum it won. These occasions are difficult to get through, its so easy to focus on the fact that they arent there and thats what I did the first birthday and christmas without them, I got through it because my family were there for support, we supported each other. I mean I did have a few cries alone for them but I think that is a good thing, bottling feelings up is never good. I think keeping your family close will play a big part in helping you through these days, reminiscing and enjoying your day because I am sure thats what she would want for you. I don't know if you are spritiual at all but I do believe that they are always with us and that brings me comfort. I used to think of my family that have gone the way they were when they died but as time goes on I have started to remember them as they were, when they were healthy and happy and I sincerely hope the same happens to you. I'm sorry that you sometimes feel you want to join her and in all honesty I felt the same with my family but I hope this feeling disperses for you in time... it sounds like you had so many lovely times together and thats beautiful, I still look at my families pictures and cry, I want you to know you are not alone, we are always here for you. If you ever need to talk were here. 

I wish you all the best, I hope you find a way to enjoy your birthday, 

Bex x 

Re: Lost without my mum

14 Sep 2018 06:05 in response to Serapine8

Hi, Thank you for your reply,it's a lovely idea to write a letter to your mum and I think it is something that I may also do when my birthday is over, my sisters birthday is the day after mine, so we've decided to spend both days together to get through it and to celebrate our mum, she always said the one thing that came out of her being ill was it brought my sister and myself closer, so by being together on those days is our gift to her. Thank you so much. 

Re: Lost without my mum

14 Sep 2018 06:16 in response to Bexi

Thank you bexi for your reply and kind words,, yes I do believe they are with us, it may sound odd to some but a few weird things have happened lately that I'm sure is my father just giving me a sign and letting me know my mum is with him and ok. I'm sure in time the images of her death will past, her death was anything but peaceful and its something I never wish to witness again,my sister and myself did manage to have a giggle yesterday about a few of the funny things my mum used to do. Thank you again x

Re: Lost without my mum

14 Sep 2018 09:18 in response to Dickydido

That's lovely, I think it brings real comfort and I hope it did for you too. We have had a few times like that, it was my grandads anniversary last sunday, we could feel him around and things moved in my room. That's really great, laughter and happiness is poweful and can make a huge difference Happy I really do hope you and your sister are able to have a lovely birthday, I do believe your mum will be there with you as she is always if not physically but always in your heart x 

Re: Lost without my mum

14 Sep 2018 15:17 in response to Dickydido

I'm happy that you and your sister are going to celebrate together. I hope that you both manage to have a special day and create some new special memories that your mum would enjoy hearing about.

Happy Birthday!