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Lost my hubby recently after a long battle with cancer

4 Feb 2018 22:04

Am feeling really lost since I lost my hubby a month back. He battled with cancer and bonemarrow transplant for almost a decade. After all the fight he has put up, it was really shocking to see him go. I guess we both did not see it coming as he was doing well after the transplant.

He was very courageous and accepted what came his way. I have spent almost all my time with him in last few years, walking by his side. Was with him till the end. We provided each other strength and comfort. He was my entire world as we have no kids.

Now I feel I have no purpose in life. Everything I cherished or ever want is taken away from me. I just can not imagine living life without him just on my own.

With my family's support I am trying to remain strong and take baby steps everyday to get on with my life. Honestly, I don't want to do any of it. I just feel so empty. I believe after all the struggle he has been through, it was probably best for him to go. I have been always indepedent woman however the thought on living without him scares me and keeps me awake. I am constantly on emotional roller-coaster, talking about him makes me feel good and sad at the same time.

I feel cheated by life!!

Re: Lost my hubby recently after a long battle with cancer

4 Feb 2018 23:43 in response to 5Jan

Hello there,

Loving some  one by my mean " Living under a buble which is built by love and mutual respect "when one died under  that buble, that buble will  burst meaning the one which survive that will fil neked and vulnerable. I'm in the stage when i try to rebuild that buble  out of her memories and love. I know that new buble never be strong as it was before but i count on my grand sons and friends love. I visit her grave everyday i loving her more evryday and missing her more evry day I hope my buble building adventurer will help me to survive. You should do the same  as I do

 

Here my  list of to doo

A  Build the new coffee table top, (almost done)

B Change the outside lamps  on our house which can be lit with two colors   (red and white.  Red was her favored colour) Fictures has been ordered 

C  Make a plan for converting my former office (in our home)  to her library (oak planks has been milled (long ago) for building more bookshelves. Pot ligths has been bought.

D Visit friends more often Walk our dog longer (Weather don't bother me I love cold fresh air)

Re: Lost my hubby recently after a long battle with cancer

5 Feb 2018 08:35 in response to 51yearsoflove

To 51yearsoflove

What you said is so true. We lived in our bubble built with love, trust and respect for last 2 decades. Now that it is burst I do feel vulernable. We took all the challenges head on as we were both together in it. After experiencing such a beautiful friendship & partnership, life is not going to be same without him and the security he provided. 

Re: Lost my hubby recently after a long battle with cancer

6 Feb 2018 00:51 in response to 5Jan

Don't stop keep going  I must go a head with her memory  in my mind You must do the same. I will start bake my own bread like she das it for years. Tomorrow will meet my fellow grieves. Boy it hard without her She died exactly 2 month ago The coffy table is 99 % done I left a written message for her on the bottom of table top. It was cold to day (beautiful Canadian winter day) but me and our dog have long walk in the park and then we visited her grave the wind was blowing snow a cross the road it was a nice day. Mind you some times she was calling me as her hobby.

Re: Lost my hubby recently after a long battle with cancer

8 Feb 2018 06:24 in response to 5Jan

I lost my husband nearly 7 months ago, we were exactly the same as you and  your husband - we were a team and our lives revolved very much around each other (maybe too much so) I have children, a boy of 24 who is abroad and didn't get to see his Dad before the end, and a daughter who is now 18 and lives at home, so I at least have someone here with me. 

I completely understand how you are feeling, as it has felt like the only thing keeping me going is my daughter.  So it must be so much harder for you.  I can't say things get better so much as you get used to the change - life is different now to how it was. 

Trying to keep busy and occupied can help to a certain degree as it gives respite from the constant deep empty feelings that you have all the time.  Memories will push into your head and give you sudden intense grief even months later, and night time is the worst.  Others have said councelling helps - I haven't done this as it would have meant going through GP whom i have issues with over my husbands misdiagnosis. I have now changed GP and am finally seeking help to enable me to sleep through the night. 

If you haven't already done so i would try councelling and any other support you may be able to get via GP as struggling on your own is really hard, and although family are great i don't think they feel the magnitude of this the same as you do - Your husband was your soul mate, confidante, you helped each other through the good times and bad, and that has all gone leaving you devastated. Sending you big hugs.