Hi there...

So sorry your young friend was lost due to this unforgiving crule cancer ...

When my brother in law, had the same wasting cancer, we watched as he went from the toughest, healthiest member of our family, become skeletal ... and it was the crulest of memories to be left with ..

But since having cancer myself, realise that cancer not only takes loved ones away from us... it wants to take the good happy memories and replace them with the cancer ones .. that way, we are all victims of this cancer ... so slowly, every time l remembered him near the end .. I would close my eyes and recall the best , funniest moments he gave us ... every look, every word, and recall that memory very slowly, over and over till it pushed the painfull memory to the back of my mind ...

We live a life time filled with pre cancer times .. cancer takes a small and horrible last ones ... l know I want to be remembered for my life, pre cancer .. while acknowledging the journey I've been on too .. so please know, your just grieving for your friend right now .. and there's no way round that grief... but oh so slowly, fill that void, with the things she achieved in her life ... while telling yourself right now, it's o.k to cry ... feel angry .. or even smile at a funny memory ... that way, you will never loose her, you will all take her with you on your paths through life .. she'll be tucked up safely in your hearts .. 

Sending you all a big vertual hug ... Chrissie

Hi Chrissie

Thank you for your message and your words are good advice. I shall do that when the hideous memories pop up. 

Im sorry to hear about your battle with cancer but you sound like a very brave woman. 

Many thanks

Lou

Hi,

I really feel for you and know exactly where you are coming from with this traumatic memory.

My wife passed away at the end of November after a two and a half year battle against breast cancer which had spread onto her lungs, she was 46. She also had Dermatomyositis which was a huge contributing factor in her passing, plus I think the chemo had a lot to answer for too, it's nasty stuff and in some cases causes just as much damage if not more than the cancer!!!  She had 18 chemo treatments, 8 blood transfusions and a whole assortment of pills and injections on a daily basis.  Her passing was very traumatic and in truth bordering quite horrific!

The whole combination of everything she went through and the way in which she passed away torments and tortures me on a daily basis, I get angry, frustrated, feel helpless and end up crying to the point of exhaustion.  I just can't make any sense of it because there are so many wrongs about what happened to my wife, I hate it all.  

I am seeing a counsellor now, but progress with them is slow because I've dug my heels in and I can't see a future for me without my wife. We were supposed to grow old together!!!

I can't really offer any advice as to how you get through this, as I still haven't figured that out for myself yet!  But, you're not alone in feeling how you do, I guess it's all part of the grief process, but I'm certain it'll never go away and I don't think it'll ever get easier.  I guess as we go forward it won't be so painful, but somehow in our lives we just adapt to accommodate those memories and live with them.  Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could wind back the clock!

James x

Hi there thats how it seems to work first shock and numbness then reality kicks in so dont worry it was worse for me after a month or two it realy hit because you were a friend dosnt mean you cant get bereavment counciling as just about every emotion hits you at once and we go a bit crazy but onece your emotional strengh comes back  logical side of our brains start to take away the pain the guilt and everything eles and it gets eisier sound like your friend was lucky to have you as a friend and ime sure you feel the same but hold onto the thought that the pain does dwind but the love and effection dosnt .best wishs .paul

Hi ,old friend died this week haven't seen him in years wernt particularly close ,but he was a good man and I feel awful this has happened to him and his family my mum died really young with cancer..is it just me (probably) or is anyone else heart scarred of getting it .thats not meant to be a stupid question it's just I think I worry about getting it more than other people.