I'm not really sure why I've decided to post on here ... I guess i'm feeling a little lost and I thought writing about my experience would help I guess. My Grandma was one of my soulmates I spoke to her everyday and seen her just about every other day. She was always on the phone and we had a great relationship. She started to turn yellow in April the doctors sent her for scans and tests and she was rushed into hospital the same day. We found out a week and a half later a cancer had spread starting from her bile duct into her stomach liver and their were various tumours. I still remember the look on her face when I seen her after the bad news. It was obvious they couldnt do anything and the surgeon said it was impossible to operate, there was no hope she had weeks to live. My mother and me moved her immediately into my mothers home and we took care of her together. I was there every day without fail and the 5 nights a week I wasnt at work. My husband completely took over with my children in the house so I could be there. I told her every single day she wasnt alone. Everything happened so quickly she had been living alone before this but within 2 weeks she couldnt walk things progressed no food after two weeks she couldnt eat and went 3 weeks before she died without drinking. I'm aware people are normally put on the pathway 3 days before they die my grandma was put on this 2 weeks before she died, it was a horrific slow process because she was at home they had to be very careful adjusting doses and she suffered with terminal agitation due to her anxiety issues she has lived with for years. Because the actual dying process was so slow it felt like we could see her body slowly shutting down and giving up day by day. There were 3 seperate accasions in those two weeks when a consultant came out and upped doses of medication at the finish they gave her a huge amount of something called Levo and informed us she would never wake up from this. Her face immediatly changed within hours she died 24 hours later she fought dying with every fibre of her being she was an absolute warrior to the end she lasted 6 weeks from diagnosis. There was an issue even after she died it took 2 doctors to go and see her to do the relevant paperwork in the funeral home. By the time i got to view her body (i assumed seeing her peaceful it would give me closure) She had been dead 5 days. I wont describe the way she was on here but it has literally scarred me from the way she looked. I go to work at night look after my family but the times when I am alone I'm starting to feel completely isolated I cannot accept the death she had the suffering she endured and the thoughts of how absolutally terrifed she was when one of the nurses explained she wouldnt survive long. I think its strange that the world carries on when these awful experiences are happening to people....I try to see the best in every day but I have to be honest that nightmare of a disease has given me an awful fear of ever seeing that happen to anyone again or even myself. It was greedy nasty poison that destroyed her from the inside out her beautiful brown eyes went nearly all white and her hair fell out and she wasnt recieving anything but pain relief. I do apologise If my post has upset anyone but i'm hoping there are people out there struggling with these memorys like this too and they can give me some hope that this will become a bad memory that will be replaced with the better ones of my Grandma.
