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Loss of an adult child

18 Feb 2016 12:41

I lost my beautiful kind and talented daughter to stomach cancer at the age of 26 in October 2014. I see so many posts from people who have lost parents and partners to cancer but nothing from bereaved parents. I am struggling to cope with my grief I have two other daughters who need me to be strong I am divorced and am supporting a male friend who has just had his third liver resection for secondary bowel cancer. I have days like today when I can't eat or get out of bed but I have to work full time as a primary school teacher to support myself. I would love to hear from other bereaved parents who know what I am going through

Re: Loss of an adult child

18 Feb 2016 13:40 in response to Wendys1

Hi there, I'm really sorry to see that you lost your daughter to this dreaded disease. I've always thought that losing a child would be the worst of worse. I never deal with any premature death easy, it's easier to deal with when they are older and die more naturally rather than taken from us. What happened to growing old and passing in your sleep, this is how it's supposed to be in my eyes. My niece was stillborn in September and it was heart wrenching, you imagine who that baby was going to become without even starting their life. Then my Dad was taken in October age, 64, again far too early in my eyes. My friend passed at 16 from leukaemia, why does it happen? Why is life so cruel? 

Not so long back there was a lady on here who had lost her son. I hope she comes forward and sees your post. Have you tried any counselling to help ease some pain, or try and make sense of things?  I find this forum quite therapeutic, you realise you're not alone, there are those better off and those worse off. It helps put things in perspective and knowing you're not actually alone in what you're going through. Take care and I hope things improve for you.

Re: Loss of an adult child

18 Feb 2016 14:58 in response to Michelle1978

Thank you for your kind words Michelle I am very sorry for your losses and agree that any premature death is devastating whatever the circumstances I have had so much loss in my life the death of my beloved daughter followed my lovely fathers death six years ago I take a little comfort from the thought that he is looking after her they were very close and she asked for her ashes to be scattered in a place where he used to take her for walks as a child. It helps just to write down some of my thoughts here as I find it impossible to talk to family or friends I think they think it gets easier with time but it hasn't so far I will keep coming back to this forum thank you again for your kindness take care 

Re: Loss of an adult child

23 Feb 2016 09:00 in response to Wendys1

Hi Wendy

Sorry to hear about the lost of your daughter.  I lost my son on the 2nd January after he had been ill with Chronic Pancreatis for 20 months then three days before he died they said he had cancer of his pancrease, liver and bones.  They said they had not seen such a aggressive form of cancer.

I am devasted as he was 39 and left behind two children.  I cant get my head round it as I cant understand that after all the scans he had over the past 20 months they never picked it up.

I am investigating it as his doctor never picked up on it either.  I burst into tears at the the slightest thing. 

His expartner is not talking to me either and I miss my grand kids so much.

 

I would love to keep in touch with you as nobody seems to realy understand my grief.

Sally xxxx

Re: Loss of an adult child

23 Feb 2016 19:53 in response to Wendys1

Hi Wendy and Sally. Like you, I too am a mother who has lost an adult child to death. Even though the death of my son was different than the loss of your children, that loss and the trauma of losing a child to death is unimaginable and impossible to describe unless you've experienced it yourself. My son died by suicide at age 36 yrs. There was no indication whatsoever that he was suicidal and he hadn't threatened it to my knowledge. He was married with two children and living in another Province at the time of his death. I found out afterwards that their marriage was falling apart, but I wasn't aware ot it prior to his death. His wife prevented me from having contact with their two children, 10 and 13 yrs. of age at the time. The 13 year old would e-mail me from school to tell me how they were. Eventually, the two children were aprehended by Children's Services and placed in my custody. There's a long story about that, but I won't go into it on here. Their mother hasn't spoken to me since my son died almost 13 years ago.

I always encouraged the children to stay in touch with their mother and I never spoke badly about her. They were old enough to know what was going on and why they were aprehended. They're both grown now, 25 and 22 years old and my granddaughter has a baby daughter, my great- granddaughter. They remain very close to me and are very much a part of my life.

My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you both as I know the pain of losing your children to death. It is not something that you ever "get over" or "recover from" like some people think. Granted, life does go on and somehow life takes on a "new normal" without our children in our lives. It is loss like no other and only a parent who has lost a child to death can really relate.

Sally, I hope the day will come when your two grandchildren will reconnect with you. They are a part of your son and should remain a part of your life. Only you can answer their questions about their father and what he was like as a child. You can fill in the blanks of his life that no one else can. Certainly it would be better if the children's mother would get past her anger, (or whatever is going on for her) and reconnect with you too, but if not, you still need to maintain some kind of connection with the children, not only for your benefit, but for theirs too. My heart goes out to you.

Wendy, I'm so sorry for your loss of your young daughter and the illness of your friend who is fighting cancer. You have a lot on your plate and I'm sure it must be so hard to drag one foot behind the other day after day while carrying such heavy burdens. We, as mothers, seem to find the strength somewhere to keep on trucking and when life gets tough, we just get a little tougher. You will get through this, not saying it will be easy, but you will do it, for your other daughters, if not for yourself right now. One day, life will take on a new normal for you, without your daughter in it, but your life has now changed forever, just as mine has and all parents who bury our children prematuraly.

Take care all of you and sending hugs your way.

Lorraine  

Re: Loss of an adult child

23 Feb 2016 21:39 in response to SallyC

Hi Sally I am so sorry to hear of your loss like your son my daughter had been going back and forth to the doctor who didn't take her seriously just put her symptoms down to stress until she went to a and e where they gave her an MRI scan and found a tumour they said it was unheard of in someone so  young I was and still am so angry that they took so long to diagnose her but don't feel that I can do anything about it I hope you manage to get some sense out of your doctor. I also find myself in tears at the slightest thing even 16 months down the line I spent 2 days in bed last week feeling so low and missing my daughter so much that it was hard to see a way forward. I haven't been able to listen to music since we lost her as it brings back so many memories I have to try and stay strong for my other two daughters but it is so hard some days I feel so sad all the time and really struggle to enjoy anything I must be horrible to be around I heard last week that my daughters husband has started seeing someone and although I knew it would happen it really got to me that he was able to carry on with his life even though I knew that she would have wanted him to I hope that you are able to rebuild your relationship with your sons expartner and are able to see your grandchildren they need you and you need them in your life to give you a reason to carry on take every day one at a time take any offers of help and look after yourself please keep in touch take care Wendy xxx 

Re: Loss of an adult child

23 Feb 2016 21:49 in response to LorraineD

Hi Lorraine than you so much for your post you sound like an amazing lady who has been through so much and is still as you said 'trucking on' your kind words really help I am trying to think of positive things to look forward to my eldest daughter got engaged to a wonderful man on New Year's Eve so we have a wedding to plan for in 2017 it won't be the same without my lovely daughter but we are planning on ways to include her in the day my new normal is not a nice way of living at the moment but I know my other daughters need their mum so I keep on going hoping that I don't go under thanks again for replying I am so sorry that you lost your son I'm sure he would have been really proud of what his mum had done for his family since his death take care Wendy x 

Re: Loss of an adult child

24 Feb 2016 13:18 in response to Wendys1

6 years ago I lost my youngest daughter to lymphoma.I have 2,other daughters and they miss her also.the sadness never goes away. we talk about her all the time and remember the laughs we had she was the type of person who could make you laugh just by her being there.The grief never goes away but you do learn to live with it I hope you will also.

 

Re: Loss of an adult child

24 Feb 2016 21:55 in response to Jeannie P

Hi Jeannie I am sorry for your loss you must know exactly how I am feeling I really appreciate your reply we as a family also speak about my daughter daily and do everything we can to keep her memory alive and will keep on doing so I lost a cousin when she and I were both 7 she was never spoken of after her death it was if she had never existed I understand it was my aunts way of coping but like you I want to remember Aimee for the wonderful person she was I will grieve for her for as long as I live but as you say you have to carry on thank you again for your kind words take care x

Re: Loss of an adult child

27 Feb 2016 23:45 in response to Wendys1

Hi Wendy,

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, I cannot imagine what you have been going through.

My dad has been diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer, which is different to what you have been going through, but obviously still a very difficult time. I saw your post and wanted to say that however much you need/want to stay strong for your daughters it is also really important to let them know how you are feeling.  I am in my early 20s and I would hate for my mum to be upset and not tell me, and I'm sure your daughters would feel the same. I think in times like these everyone needs to be there for each other.

Take care x

Re: Loss of an adult child

28 Feb 2016 22:25 in response to stardust14

Hi Stardust thank you for your reply I am so sorry to hear about your dad and hope that he is not in any pain I will speak to my family about how I am feeling but it is really difficult because my eldest is waiting for a heart valve replacement and my youngest daughters boyfriends mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer with liver and lung secondaries just before Christmas so they both have lots on their plate sending you and your family my best wishes Wendy x

Re: Loss of an adult child

28 Feb 2016 23:23 in response to Wendys1

Hi Wendy,

Thanks for your message, your circumstances sound awful and extremely difficult, I completely understand why it's hard to talk to your family.  Just be there for each other I think that's all anyone can do.  Thank you for your kind words, I am thinking of you and your family x

Re: Loss of an adult child

12 May 2017 16:28 in response to SallyC

Hello to everyone and do very sad for all the pain I read about. I can personally respond to Sally as my daughter's ex has brainwashed her children first of all to advise me, my husband and my other daughter that we were not wanted at the scattering of Tracy's Ashes, even though we had nursed her for the last 5 weeks of her life and was with her when she passed away. When we objected he threatened to burn my other daughter's house down and it is now over two years and we have not heard from them

Re: Loss of an adult child

10 Dec 2017 18:47 in response to Wendys1

I lost my daughter 3 weeks ago.She was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia. She went for a routine blood test due to joint pain.We live away from the UK mainland and by the next night she was in hospital away from home.3 weeks of chemo and tests followed andcshecwas so brave.She was told she could soon go home for a few days before more treatment.She suddenly contracted an infection and within 2cdays was in critical care on a ventilator.She died on November 26th 2017 leaving a 13 year old boy,She was divorced and had brought him up alone .I can't accept she is gone,I feel so much guilt that I couldn't protect her and that I could have given her the infection.i was a huge part of their life.My grandson is now with his father who treated my daughter very badly,I'm so frightened I will not be able to see him when I want to,his heart is broken and I'm not there.i don't think I will ever smile or laugh again.im struggling to keep going,her funeral is 2 days away .I feel my life is over

 

Re: Loss of an adult child

10 Dec 2017 19:10 in response to Finleynan

So much sorrow.  It is heartbreaking to read these stores of child loss.   Finleynan, don't beat yourself up about whether you gave your daughter the infection.   Your daughter's doctors considered she was okay to have a break at home and there is no reason to think that you caused the infection.  I can understand that you go over and over the events but it is unlikely that you played a part.  Have you been having contact with your son-in-law and grandson since the death?  This is not a time to replay old arguments and I am sure that you want to do the best for your grandson. That seems to be the important thing now.  You might like to talk to the Cruse bereavement service; their Freefone number is 0808 808 1677 and they are well-established in this field.  Sorry if I am sticking my nose in but I so wanted to reply to your post.