I lost my mum in just before Xmas 2017 after a short illness.  I shed many tears when she was ill as she was so unhappy and suffering and she wanted to die - she said she didn't fear death, just apprehensive about the dying process. She was very brave.  We spent some lovely times together in her last 2 months and I have the comfort knowing that I did everything I could for her - bathing her, cooking, caring, talking with her.  When she died I felt inital sense of relief that she wasn't suffering.  I cried immediately after but have been pretty much numb ever since. Didn't cry at funeral (much to my surprise). I don't have any siblings and my parents were acrimoniously divorced.  I had to wait 3 weeks for the funeral and I know my mum would have loved the service I made for her.  Immediately after the service and wake I pretty much collapsed and had temperature of 103 and spent the next 10 days in bed with flu.  I was exhausted and i had no choice but stay in bed, rest and recover. 

2 weeks after flu,  had to take my dad to hospital - it looked like he had had a stroke - but much to our shock he had an inoperable and untreatable brain tumour and given 3 months to live.  That was 10 weeks ago.  He is now bedbound and fairly immobile - can move right arm and leg but has no strength.  It is awful for him and so awful to watch. I know this is terrible thing to say but I hope he dies soon so he is no longer suffering and we don't have to witness the suffering.

I have been working and that keeps me sane (well sort of).  Parents are the people you can brag about your children to and they share your excitement, joy and pride. I miss not having someone to share and talk to.  I have this overwhelming sense of impending gloom and your own mortality comes to the fore. 

Reading other people's post on this forum is very moving.  What I know is that Mum would want me to find a way to get through this all - yes, it is right to grieve and morn and feel sad but life is short and we have to carry on and find joy where we can. Celebrate their life and cherish their memory.