Hi there ...

Oh my, that's really sad ... your an adult, but they still see you as a child .. I'd been married 7 years at your age ... with a 5 year old ... yes I was a tad young .... but you sound really mature and caring ... if I were you, I'd get your nan on her own, and sit her down, and that no her for trying to protect you .. but not knowing all the info, is making it harder for you... tell her you are o.k, and would like everyone to support each other, but you can't do that left out the loop ... 

There's a few end of life signs ... though everything is different for everyone ... but when he stops eating and sleeping a lot of the time , maybe a clue ... though some go on much longer ... and some quicker .. it may be he has a fast growing cancer, or a slower one ... and how much he wants to hold on, or ready to let go ...  I'm sure having you there holding his hand, will mean so much to him ...

And just know, so many will hold back info, thinking they are being kind ... unfortunately there's no hand book .. to help us through this time ...  sending you a vertual hug.... chrissie x

Hi Chrissie,

Thankyou so much for replying, and please let me start off by saying a sincere apology for how long I’ve took to reply. If I’m honest I had forgotten I’d posted on here. However, your reply and advice means so much and I’m really thankful someone took the time to read my post. 

In regards to your reply -

My Nan is a very proud woman but also very old fashioned, when my mom died it was she gone, we will remember her and that is it. She didn’t even want her ashes due to her saying “it’s just ashes, it’s not ______”. She’s hard to talk to when it comes to very serious matters I have to be honest. She was very hard faced when my mother died, ofc she cried and showed emotion but doesn’t like talking about the way she died specifically or seems to get uncomfortable if we talk about anything other than a passing comment of how my sister looks like my mom ect. She’s a lovely lady, please do not think otherwise, but I do think talking to her would be some what impossible. If anyone she would talk to regarding this matter would either be my aunt or herself. She’s very private. However, I Thankyou for your thoughtful advice. 

My grandad as of now isn’t doing too good. I rang my Nan (as its her birthday today) and asked how my grandad was doing. She was surprisingly honest. He’s had a bad night, he’s appetite has decreased drastically (my grandad is a large fellow and loves his food so I’m taking this as a bad sign) and has slept most of the day. I believe they have now took him off steroids but I feel he’s got worse after they have been stopped. I don’t want to believe it right now that he’s even poorlier than when I first mentioned the post. I don’t want to even ask the question, but should I be prepared for the worst now? Should I make every moment count because it doesn’t sound the best? Could he just be possibly having a bad day?

I hate to ask so many questions but this is the first time I have dealt with cancer in my family, be it my life to think about it. I just don’t know what to expect for the future. I know the cancer will eventually take over my grandad but I there ever any knowing? 

Thanks again chrissie, I look forward to your reply. 

Xxxx

Hi ya ..

And yes I quite understand your nan ... she's from the old school ... by that I mean, when I was 7 my grandad had a heart attack and died suddenly at 60 .. every adult told me something different .. only for my little friend to say "your granddads dead" l still live with that even now, and felt more hurt then I can say ...

So I've always been gently honest with my boys .. when my mum died .. I sat my 7 year old on my lap, and told him nanny had gone to heaven, and wouldn't need her walking sticks or pills... she was happy now there .. and we shared tears together ...

Along the way, we've had things happen and I've helped by talking to the children .. they are amazing .. they can cry and then go out and play .. I even told my 5 year old granddaughter when I had my grade 3 masectomy .. the Drs were going to TRY to make nanny better... and when she asked me if I was going to die, I told her if I did , I'd be the little star next to the brightest one (as we'd always said that was my mum's star) so I could look down every night .. and she could look up and see my star ...

I'm sorry, I'm off the subject ... but that's why l think honesty and sharing feelings is the way forward .. and I'm sure she's a lovely nan ... and cares very much for you, in her own way ...

I can't really add much to my first answer ... as from what l learned on here over the last two years is everyone is different ... one old chap was in hospital, and they called the family in to say good bye .. they left in the early hours .. by the next day he was sitting up in bed right as rain ... he went home a few days later ... yet some look o.k and they can go quickly ... 

All I can say .. is take a day at a time .. hold his hand when you can ... and even when he can't speak, he can still hear you .. you know the first time you loose someone is really hard ... feelings are all over the place .. but the one thing we will all do at some point is die ... I believe they watch over us ... and as long as we keep them in our hearts and mind, they are still around ... it's only when we don't mention them, its like they were not here ... when I was young it was said not to talk about people who died ... forget and move on .. but thankfully things are changing .. 

My son's still put photos of my mum, their nanny on their face book even now 30 years later .. and we tell the little ones about her .. and my dad ... they feel like they know them ...

So don't feel too sad about your grandad ... just smile because you had him in your life ...and you know he'll be up there with your mum, his daughter ... think of them together .. he will tell her all the things that's happened in his life .. and how you kids turned out ... and you can tell your kids all you remember of them both ... that way you take them both with you on your journey through life ...

Sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx

Hi chrissie,

first off, Thankyou so much for your reply again. It means a lot. 

You hit the nail on the head with your “old school”. She is indeed. Your story is lovely and I appreciate you sharing such intimate details of you life with me. You sound like such a kind and understanding human being, you are such a beautiful soul. 

An update on my grandad - I visited my grandad yesterday after I was told he was now on more oxygen and very sleepy and had gotten very poorly. It was very emotional and I was in tears at the sight of him. He smiled when he see me, a smile I will always see and hold dear to me in my memories. It broke my heart that I just couldn’t do anything for him. He’s breathing is laboured but he was still awake just sleepy. However, I had a call today, he’s gotten even worse. He hasn’t eaten and has slept most of the day. He’s very delirious, even believing he has gone to the races today (he loved watching his horse racing). I think in some way it’s nice to hear that cause instead of being in a room hooked up to oxygen he’s enjoying himself at the races. Saying that, we can’t take this as a good sign. My cousin who saw him yesterday did not cry due to her seeing him like this, but today I’ve been told she went to see him and has been in tears. Another sign that he has got progressively worse over night. I hate to think it, and even say it but I do think the end is near. Possibly weeks if that? What is your opinion? 

I asked my grandad if he was in pain and he said no, but I couldn’t help but think he looked like he would be with his breathing. I just feel so heartbroken right now and completley emotionally exhausted. I’ve never dealt with cancer in the family before and I have to say I never want to again, although statistics say I will have to in my life. I lost my mom as you know, but I feel my emotions are so heightened, I don’t know if It’s because I was young or actually because I’ve lost someone before but I’m scared that when the times comes I won’t know how to handle it. 

Sorry im rambling, I feel more comfortable talking to someone I don’t personally know about how my grandad is and how I feel without judgement. My grandad has gone down hill so incredibly quickly and I can’t imagine that if he keeps on going he won’t make the end of the month. 

Thankyou chrissie x

xx

Hi ...

Bless ya ... 

I cryed more at my distant uncle's funeral then my mum's.. yet me and mum were best buddies too ..  I realised I was crying for my mum at his funeral ... sometimes we hold feelings in, when they are too painfull to deal with ... like on auto pilot ... like wer in a dream, or watching those things on t.v and although we know wer there .. our brain blocks some overwhelming feelings ...

I think your still dealing with loosing your mum ... l think those well kept feelings are popping in your head ... and you know the day my mum died , i felt a scream deep in my stomach... but I was at the hospital and knew I had to hold it in ... years later (10) something happened and that scream came out ..  and this time l let it go ... as I was on my own ... boy did I feel better ... 

So I know you love that grandad... and part of your thoughts is not him too ... but that smile he gave you .. hold on to it ... keep it in your memory... and when ever you think of him ... picture that smile ... l dont know how much longer he can hold on .. but he must just want it all to stop now ... and be free from cancer and pain .. though I'd think or hope that's under control ...

In a way it will be kinder for him to let go .. l know your mum will be waiting for him ... and I'm sure she'll be happy to have him back ... I've lost lots of family over the years .. and I picture them all up there having a right old party .. every time one of us goes ... it helps knowing someone's waiting ... and a part of me, can't wait to give my mum a huge cuddle ... and ask my dad to tell me his made up stories he told me as a child ... 

So yes miss him .. but picture your mum meeting him again .. and he'll tell her what an amazing daughter / granddaughter you turned into .. and I'm always here .. if I miss you , just write a thread for chrissie... I'll be here as long as you need ... hang on ... sending you one of my granddaughters hugs .. I save for her .. they are spiecial and they will help you through ... I'm right there vertually beside you ...

Chrissie

Hi chrissie, 

sorry for the slow reply again, my grandad took a turn for the worst over the last few days.

He passed peacefully yesterday with all his family by his side. 

I want to take this moment to say a heartfelt Thankyou from the bottom of my heart. Your support, advice and company has been so lovely during this difficult time, I’m enternally grateful. I wish you all the best. I’m astounded someone who I’ve never met has been so kind, you truly are a beautiful soul. Your family are so lucky to have someone like you in their lives. Thankyou for making someone who felt alone, not so alone anymore. 

All my love, Lauren xxx

Hi lauren ...

So so sorry your grandad lost his journey with cancer ... but feel better knowing that crule cancer can hurt him , no more ... I'm sure he's really proud of you, as am I... yes we could pass on the street and not know ... but just knowing people care can mean a lot ... and your so welcome ...

I feel honered to have held your hand .. and just know he's not gone ... he lives in your heart forever now .. take him with you ...  and every time you say his name or think of him .. he'll be smiling ...

Bless ya .. and sending one of my spiecial hugs that l save for Emily... my granddaughter... sure she'd love you having one ...  Chrissie x

Always here if you ever need a chat ...x