Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!
Dispatch The police dispatch picks up the phone and writes down the call for help: "Please send someone urgent, a cat has broken in!" The police dispatcher responded, "Sir, I don't think I heard you correctly? A cat at your home?" "A cat! He has invaded my house and is walking towards me! Again the police dispatch tried to correct him "But how so? You mean a thief?" "NO! I'm talking about a freaking cat, the one that does 'meow, meow', and it's coming my way!.... You have to come now!" "So what about this cat coming toward you?" the officer replies trying to grasp the situation "He's going to kill me, now he's going mental! And you will be the reason I die" "Who is talking?" the officer asks The parrot, you jac**ss!
Hi Woodworm, hope you are having a good day. I really enjoy your posts and you are so kind to do them. So, lovely Mr Woodworm, just for fun, I have a challenge for you (and everyone on here); it is this: NHS toast clearly has medicinal if not magical powers- but simply can't put my finger on it! So we need input from the team on here as regards their feelings towards and experience of, the said mythical toast. Yes? Much love to all. V Plum
Thank VPlum and Gemini
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It’s okay Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"
Magic Show Joke
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, “Wow, how did you do that.” I would tell you”, answered the magician predictably, “but then I’d have to kill you.” After a moments pause, the same voice screamed out “In that case, can you tell my mother in law?”